Thursday, 04/22/04 - 10:37 pm.
Well, it's my "official" 1000th entry. Congratulations to me. Or not. I don't know if I'm supposed to do something about it. Say, like throw confetti, or reflect on the past 999 entries, or something. I'm not much of a party person, get off of me.
Say, I have good news. Freud, my fish, has completely recovered from his disease (whatever it was). He's his old self again, something I thought was impossible. Just a few days ago he looked like a dead fish, and I was expecting his death at any second. These past days he's quickly recovered his color (black and blue) and swims and swims around. This morning, he jumped out of the water and touched my fingertip (I taught conditioned him...oh, the things you can learn by majoring in psychology), which I thought he'd never do again. He does that when he's hungry, but these past weeks he didn't eat at all. So Freud is back, let's all shake our subconscious with joy.
- Angie: *gasp* sweetheart, you should write a book!!! I know you will, and we'll be the first ones to buy it. *deeper gasp* No, I know what I'll do, honey! I'll put together all the summaries you've lent me since college begun, and I'll publish them.
It was a nice comment (and she speaks nicely, too, with gasps and pet names). It made me feel...something, all over. You know how a couple of days ago I mentioned I was thinking about writing a book. And now someone says I should do it. I'm aware of my lameness, but it's neat to have someone tell you you rock. She's constantly telling me I'm going to Heaven, that silly little girl.
You see, I made a summary for tomorrow's midterm and I lent it to her. I always do that, because she needs help with some subjects. I don't mind, because she's not just an acquaintance, she's my friend. Same with the other three (Victoria, Irene and Victor). She's not just there for me when she needs help, she's one of the few supports I have in this lovely, stupid life in the university. Whatever I can do for her I'll do it.
I bought her a little something in the bookshop today, too. Bookshop supplies rock. That made me remember my times in school. Buying erasers always cheered me up after failing a math exam.
Speaking of school, I spent all afternoon with Victoria studying for tomorrow (in a little forest somewhere in the campus). And when we got tired of it, we started to reminisce about our days in school. You know, we come from the same school, the ESJ. We share the background, although we never really were more than acquaintaces there.
What we talked about is not really important. Some issues she had with "friends". The point is that every time we (me and whoever I am with) start remembering times at school I get nostalgic and regretful. And empty. I was a very empty soul in school, but somehow I miss the wamth of feeling lonely in a crowd, opposed to the coldness of feeling lonely...alone. In a crowd there's a possibility, however small, that someone will notice you feel...not ok. But both situations are equally hurtful and comfortable to me, anyway.
Until I came out of school I realized my generation, my class, was really messed up. And it seems that is becoming a trend in the following generations. But that part of me who likes to play the victim says to me that I'm unbeatable, because nobody else cut themselves at school (besides Vic and Pablo, but we were self-harm colleagues). Some achievement that is.
Oh, man, I hate talking about school, it leaves me...like this, I can't get the subject off my mind. This sick part of me wants to go back to those awful days of sitting alone for half an hour in the hall, looking at my self-inflicted scars. There was something about school that I'm missing in college. I suppose pointing out what it is it's a matter of sitting down one day and going on and on and on about it.
Like I told Victoria, switching from school to college is like going from a small town, population 103, where everybody knows each other to, say, New York city.
When I type my next entry, hear me out, one midterm will be over. I cannot possibly wait. I just want to be over with midterms already, but in words of Calvin, I've almost started. I'm kind of confident about tomorrow's midterm, but then I have three more next week, and those are scaring the hell out of me.
Thousand. What an odd word. Sounds like bragging. Thousand. Thousand. I say "thousand" and I hear laughter. Oh, yeah, it's because of that Lion King scene, remember? One hyena (can't spell her name) says "Mufasa" and the other hyena laughs. No, wait, it shivers....doesn't he?
Alright, the paragraph above is an accurate sample of how pathetic my train of thought becomes the day before a midterm, ladies and gentleman.
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