Thursday, 06/03/04 - 11:00 pm.
- Joseph: your friend.
- Me: yes?
- Joseph: your friend, who was murdered...
- Me: what about him?
- Joseph: he isn't the only one.
Every night there's been a murder, following the same pattern as Ern's murder: a university student, shot at a bus stop in the evening (and four, counting Ern, are from my university). The one killed two nights ago was shot at the bus stop where Joseph takes the bus everyday. But that night, exactly that night, Joseph wasn't there, because his friend Fer gave him a ride.
- Joseph: although I got home at 3 in the morning, completely NOT sober.
- Me: at least you got home.
Now that I'm slowly finishing midterms (I have one tomorrow), I am reminded again that I have Joseph. I'm feeling a little less stressed, and quite happier, because of him. This past week has been rough, academically and psychologically, but it's slowly ending, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunel, as grown-ups say.
I've felt stupid, useless and on the verge of depression. I almost cut myself last night (because of the horrible midterm, I was feeling extra stupid), but I thought of him, how I'd hate to make him feel bad in any way. So I only remembered the joke: hey, have you seen that movie, "the day after the midterm"? and tried to...hold on, or whatever.
I realized today that he's the one. As in "Jesus, Christ, Lord, I want to spend my whole life with him". Sometimes, when he's going to begin a phrase, he goes: my girl, my love, my heart, my life, my muse, my future wife... and tells me whatever he's going to tell me. I don't have that eloquence, so I only kiss him. But I love him so, so much. This afternoon, for the first time in my life, I said "I love you" spontaneously (to him, duh). It was heartfelt. All the previous I love you's, all of them, were thought of before I pronounced them. But this one just came out.
- Joseph: you are very scared to lose me, aren't you?
- Me: I am.
- Joseph: I read in a book that the thing you love the most is the thing you're deprived the most from...BUT...I read in another book that when you love something with all your strenght, the whole universe plots in behalf of you. You'll always have me.
He walked me at night, after class, to a coffeehouse where my dad was giving a speech about his book, a block away from the university. I almost got run over by a car (hi, I'm dumb), and the girl driving insulted me. Joseph yelled back "I LOVE YOU!". It's a part of his philosophy, his infinite street knowdledge, never take anything personal.
I was kind of hoping my mom would see us, that she'd be waiting for me outside the coffeehouse, so I could introduce Joseph to her. We went to our coffeehouse at 5:30, and he spent the whole hour talking about how he'd meet my parents. He didn't stop joking for the whole hour, so I realized -and he admitted- he was scared to death to meet my parents. He made up the funniest situations, and I don't think I've ever laughed so hard and for so long with him.
The meet-the-parents situations involved him wearing wigs, refering to my parents as "mom" and "dad", having his pet crow eat my parrot, or saying that mother nature was rad because it gave us marijuana. And we're in the middle of the conversation, your dad is freaking out, asking you where the hell did you find such delinquent, and right then two cops knock on your door..."sweetheart, if they ask, I've been with you since 4 o'clock".
Or say we schedule the meeting for tuesday, and you get a call from me: "hi, love, I'm in jail. Hopefully I'll be out on thursday, see you then, maybe".
But my mom wasn't outside. I asked him if he'd like to meet them and he said we should wait, the time would come. Then he said I was the best thing that has ever happened to him.
- Joseph: will you remember me for the rest of your life?
- Me: I hope I won't have to remember you (meaning I am hoping to be with him my whole life, duh).
I told him to take care of himself, and he said he always does. We kissed goodbye. I turned around before I walked in the coffeehouse, and he was looking up the sky, on the edge of the sidewalk. It seemed to me he was...thinking. Deeply.
I sat at the table with my mom, and right then I almost began to cry. Why that question, "will you remember me for the rest of your life?"?. I heard a police car (he jumps every time he hears one) and later on a siren. I thought about the story he told me after we crossed the street (when I almost got run over, I'm so dumb), about a guy who knew the moment of his death was approaching. And then I thought of the murders of the students at bus stops, and then I came back to his phrases, "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" and "will you remember me for the rest of your life?".
I'm really worried about him. But I try to think of all the phrases he's told me, that he takes care of himself more than I can imagine and such. He'd better, the motherfucker.
*sigh* I have a midterm tomorrow, I have to go study. Bye.
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