Wednesday, 06/16/04 - 11:16 pm.
- Joseph: I want to ask you something.
- Me: what is it?
- Joseph:......what would you do if I left the country?
What I'd do doesn't matter, it's not the point. What made him ask me that was something that happened in the morning, some kind of conflict he had with his mom. It made him get all existentialist and thoughtful about the course of his life. Perhaps it's too long to talk about it here, let's just say he was having conflicts that involved a career, a job, interacting with his parents and mine liking him.
We had a conversation about all that, and well...I told him I was going to help him as much as I could, but the solution was in his hands; and whatever he chose, I'd support him a 100%, even if it was leaving the country (here people tend to think that you're useless if you don't have a degree, and he hates that...and I am aware he can do without formal education): I'd wish you the best of luck. And I'd hope for our paths to cross again some time. To tell the truth, since he asked me the question, I had this horrible feeling on the left side of my chest, like a hand tearing up my heart (the flesh) in two.
I left him pondering, because I had to go to guitar lessons. Then I couldn't see him because I had BBB class. Afterwards I saw him, and he told me: I'm stupid. I completely forgot you had class after guitar [lessons], so I walked around the campus looking for you. I was asphyxiating because I couldn't find you.... You know, for a criminal-looking guy who carries knives, he's pretty mellow.
I was relieved to see he'd solved his conflict already. He's got this habit of always having a quote for every moment and for every problem. One that he always tells me is if you've got a problem and there's a solution, then don't bother worrying. If you've got a problem and there isn't a solution, then don't bother worrying. But he couldn't apply those lines on himself, as he pointed out later. But anyway, he decided his mom's opinion didn't matter, that his dad's opinion was good enough (his dad is very proud of him), and that eventually his conflict will be solved, because he's starting a career next year. It's just a matter of time.
I met one of his ex-girlfriends, too. The one he broke up with because she went to Rome. It was VERY awkward for me, but they seemed to be in good terms. They are. She's a nice girl, really. She's a little scary, I mean her looks, but she was really nice to me. Yes, she's a great person...AND she's my ex-girlfriend....AND I love you so much and you make me very, very happy. He's always made me feel like I am the best girl he's ever had. He's always telling me "you're the best thing that has ever happened to me".
I bought a bracelet today, at the mini-fair in the campus. It's black, with spikes on it and it sort of matches the choker Joseph got me yesterday. I was at Hot Topic's website (sometimes when I'm bored I just go there and check out the stuff...not the clothes, just the accesories: bracelets and necklaces) and I saw that same choker. He bought it at the mini-fair for six dollars less. I love the mini-fairs in the campus. There's nothing like being cheap and rural.
Here's a thought: I feel like making out with him right now, more than usual. It must be the rain tonight. The scent of rain, cigarrete smoke and strawberry-menthol candies make me crave him like mad, because I associate those scents to him. We kissed for the first time (a month ago tomorrow) when it was raining, he smokes sometimes (usually not when he's with me, though) and he buys strawberry-menthol candies everyday. There's a psychological term for that, as a matter of fact, that relates to the behaviorism movement, but I'm not about to degrade myself to...ok, it's called conditioning, Pavlov came up with the concept.
This semester is almost over, and next semester begins at the end of august. There are only about two weeks left, plus two weeks of finals. I dread vacations, they'll be so long without Joseph, as well as improductive for the most part (unless I get very, very creative...which is highly unlikely).
Aside from Joseph, though, I will really miss my friends: Angie, Victor, Irene and Victoria. I don't interact with them as much as I used to last year, because of the schedule and because I'm with Joseph (it's not a complaint), but I can always count on them. I was worried about them, they had two, three, four conflicts at the same time (during those two weeks from hell, not too long ago...when we were in midterms and Ern was killed). Victor in particular seemed very ovewhelmed and sad, but today he looked a lot happier, I think he's recovering. He'll perform with his band tomorrow, by the way (I'll be attending, duh). I guess that helps to make him feel better.
I'm planning on telling my parents about Joseph anytime soon (that'd lessen the impact of the vacation period, because he could come over). I've been encouraged by several people (you know who you are) to do so, and yes, it's the best. I hate to think that part of what Joseph was feeling today was my fault. He's already nervous about meeting my parents, and I keep telling him I'm worried about their reaction at the fact that I date a guy who doesn't have a career. But who cares, who the fuck cares? I love him, end of story. My parents will have to get over it.
I can't find a clever line to close the entry, sorry.
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