Monday, 08/02/04 - 9:47 pm.
Last night I had a hard time falling asleep. I was mad at my nephew Javier and niece Rebeca, for leaving my other nephew, Renan (Rebeca's brother), out of their games. That's sadly usual, but what really got to me this time was that he was crying....right in the same room where the other two were playing (I could describe a similar scene that happened to me in 8th grade, with me cryin' while having Carmen and Veronica in front of me, but I don't feel like it, thanks, bye).
I told them a few things, I can't even remember what. Something like you know why it upsets me? Because I had two friends who did the same to me. I know how he feels, and YOU have become those friends of mine. They went to another room and locked themselves up. I wasn't sorry at all, and I wished I'd told them a whole lot more. I remained with Renan, keeping him company until he fell asleep.
I was too soft for an 8 and a 10 year old. I should've told them "hell, shit, fuck, cunt" and the like, so they'd know I was really upset (but then I'd have to face the consequences). I couldn't sleep, because I was remembering Renan's tearful face, his sad eyes, "they rejected me", and my own feelings, remains of 8th grade and another nasty "I was rejected by my best friends" experience I had in my neighborhood, a long time ago (the girl still lives next door, and I'd like to stab her). I wanted to cry, but I wasn't going to allow myself to do it.
In the morning Rebeca said good morning to me very politely, and I always have this policy, that if the kids let it go, then I let it go, so I didn't bring the subject up, I just said good morning and smiled back at her. She later gave Renan a thin apologize, and since he's very nice and humble, he said it didn't matter. Javier came over later, and he didn't say anything, so I just tried to keep the three of them as much glued as possible.
The afternoon was nice, but I am absolutely certain the world didn't need a Garfield movie. My brother Carlos took the kids and me to see it, and then we had dinner. Garfield was cute, somewhat funny and it made me get all tearful (animal lover, hi) at times. Frog is such an Odie...the shape, the look in her eyes, the breathtaking cuteness...only she doesn't dance. But all in all, I just don't agree with the whole "Garfield, the movie" concept.
Javier will be coming over tomorrow, I have to babysit him. Maybe I'll try to have a word or two with him alone about this. It's just not fair, to be pushed aside and then ignored by the people you want to be with. He says it might too not be fair for the two kids to be forced to play with the other one, if they don't want to. I know that, I've thought about it, and I kind of agree. But it's not fair to be left out, either, and if you think about it well, playing is less unpleasant than being left out. There's something called "taking turns", too.
It kind of happened again tonight, because Javier and Rebeca play Super Nintendo, and the one time they gave Renan to play, he couldn't make it...they were playing Mario 3, and Mario was hit by a turtle shell. BIG FUCKIN' DEAL. They were starting to give him a hard time; I was on the phone with Joseph, so I just told them to turn off the TV and go pack their bags (Renan and Rebeca are going out of town with their grandmother tomorrow).
Last night, when I couldn't sleep, I was thinking if I was just taking out all my 8th grade anger on the two kids. That maybe I just wanted to tell them they were a piece of shit, because they were absolutely emulating my friends' behavior. And I said to myself: "no". I wasn't doing this for me. I didn't want to tell them "you are crap" just because I couldn't tell Carmen and Veronica "you are crap". I wanted to because they were being jerks to him, simple as that.
I will be stopping here. My dad just called me and asked me "what's this on the floor?".
It's Freud, my beta fish. He jumped out of the tank, apparently, hours and hours ago. He's dry, toasted. He's dead. Rest in peace, Freud.
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