Wednesday, 08/ 01/04 - 9:38 pm.
Three years ago, on a saturday night, I wrote my first entry in this diary. On that night, as I started typing, one of my brothers gathered my parents and I to tell us he was moving in with his girlfriend, thus leaving the house...and so there'd only be two out of five children left.
Over all, my life was being what I considered normal: I was in 10th grade, still dragging the hurt from a nasty thing that went on throughout 8th grade and 9th grade, in love with a boy that only thought of me when he had a hard-on, rejecting all kinds of social interaction and being rejected myself, being tortured by math, madly obessessed with Aerosmith, hearing voices in my head, and having only Simeon (and ocassionaly Fidel) to hang on to.
My life has changed drastically within these three years, and I'm glad I've kept a record of it. I even wish I'd done it sooner. I'd kept a journal in 8th grade, when I'd sit in front of the TV every night and nurse my pain in the company of Mtv's daily top ten. But now that I read it, it looks like I didn't want my many years older self to read it and understand it (and I didn't, actually). I was talking in code, with the stupid paranoia that someone would read it. Which made no sense, because it was always locked. And now that code is undecipherable even for me....not so much, though. The bottom line of the daily happenings is there (which is mostly "well, hi. Today they ignored me when I was crying. Again"), and I know "them" is Carmen and Veronica, and ocassionally one of their sidekicks.
So I was saying...my life has changed drastically. I'm the only child in the house now; I'm in second year of university, majoring in psychology, doing great and having zero contact with math. I have a boyfriend and I plan on marrying him one day. I don't reject social interaction anymore, and I'm not much of a reject myself. Simeon is still in my life, but now mostly as some sort of muse that can change of shape at will, not necessarily a cartoon. The voices in my head have become more acid.
In between, I got over the guy with sexual intentions, I met new people and discarded a few and stuck to others, I found The Beatles and I keep them next to Aerosmith (perhaps a little higher), I fell in love with another boy who drove me to self-mutilation and reminded of the 8th grade experiences, I wished to commit suicide (and tried-to-attemp-to), I went to the USA twice, I learned to play guitar, I can drive...it's a long list. It's a...three years long list, duh.
Ok, the above was my attempt to get all thoughtful. Because every year I say "oh, I'll give a speech about what this diary has meant to me over this year", and I never do, because I'm too lazy. I guess I'm doing it now because I've been saving all my old entries and in the process I've read a few and reminisced and laughed and get all nostagic and depressive.
I think my older entries were a bit more entertaining. They're funny and sad at the same time, with Simeon all over the place throwing confetti and me feeling miserable, quoting Aerosmith songs and saying random things (that now I'd refer to as "tangents"). I suppose my life is now a whole lot less emotional and a little more rational, with more opportunities and more expectations than when I was in school.
My life was over. I had nothing ahead but a wall. The ladder had your name, and now my life has changed. I have plans, I'm going to study, I'm going to get a real job...I'd have laughed at anybody who said this could happen. When I was fucked up, I never wanted happiness. I didn't want happiness, I just wanted tranquility. And now I'm almost there.
Sometimes Joseph gets like that. I told him today that I'm very proud of him. He often says he'd promised (himself) that if he ever hooked up with me, he'd straighten his life. So he'll get in the university again. And this week he's starting the paperwork and trying to get money for the application. Money has always been a big obstacle (he would never ask his parents for money), but his friends told him today they'll help him out. Which I consider quite cute.
Not everybody changes like that, almost overnight, for a person. But Joseph has. For me. Even his cigarette and alcohol toleration has lowered (that's funny). And he doesn't have any regrets on his change of lifestyle. Quite the opposite. I admire him so much. But he stills wonders how's possible that I fell in love with him.
- Joseph: I don't understand. My whole life I've had to struggle desperately to get what I wanted...and now it's like all things are being handed to me on a silver plate.
- Me: well, it's because now you have to struggle not to get them but to keep them (I'm not talking about me, obviously, but about his lifestyle in general).
I drove to the mall today, with my mom. It's the first time, you know? I got to park and all (I parked in an empty area, with no cars around...I still need practice). We went to the bank to make a humble deposit in my account, we went to the post office to mail my friend Roberto's birthday card, and then we went for ice cream. On the way back, the engine died three times, and people were honking. Oh, right, your psychotic honking will start the engine of my car, cheers.
I'm making a mix CD. You know how you relate a song to a place in your lifetime? It happens very strongly for me when I hear a song from the 1999-2000 era in particular, which was perhaps the most emotional to me. Those were awful times, but I can't help feeling the need to go back to them sometimes.
Ok, the point is that I thought of rebuilding my past life through music. But then I looked at the charts of those times and I realized how I'm not quite attracted to the song nor the artist, but only to the emotive load it brings. So at least this mix CD won't be for me to sit and reminisce. I'm not sure I'd like to do that, anyway.
And besides that, to finish the 1132th entry of this diary (God!), I will say that I sat on my boyfriend's lap and had a milk shake, and also I bought a pair of prettyful (prettyful!) star-shaped earrings, for one dollar.
I'm in a good mood. I've been like that all day, and I think it's mostly because of the mix CD and the songs I chose...the song I'm listening to right now is making me cry.