Monday, 09/27/04 - 10:11 pm.
I got bad news tonight, from my lovely psychometrics instructor: you got 8 [out of 10] in your midterm.
Ok, 8 isn't THAT bad, but I feel like a mediocre. It might sound pathological, "OHMYGOD, 8, I WILL KILL MYSELF!". But my standards are very high, and I promised myself my general average wouldn't drop...which will happen, if I continue to get these grades.
I've always strived for being one of the top of the class, because I don't have many talents and I'd like to be outstanding. It shouldn't be too much to ask, since I have no other activities that interfere in my academical life. And yet I get an 8. A stupid 8. Some will get a better grade, and I'll hate that. Not out of jealousy or anything. Just for me. I could've done better than that.
I have another midterm tomorrow. I'm dreading it, it's a lot of material. Gender violence, gender myths, development of the young adult, PMS, sexual diseases, cognitive growth, phases of development according to different authors, physical growth, emotional intelligence, marriage, divorce...I think I'm going to fail, I'm going to get less than 8. I'm not giving up, but I can't help feeling stupid and retarded.
I am stupid AND retarded. I don't even have a job that sucks up my time. WrongGuy does and yet he's the teacher's pet because he talks all the time and knows everything and gets the best grades. I hate to think I was one of the top students, and now I'm going down, along with the average. I got the results from the aptitude tests we've taken...I have no aptitudes whatsoever. I'm below percentile 75, except for the verbal aptitude, in which I ended up in percentile 99...but that's not a merit, sucking at grammar and punctuation and writing is part of this culture. Of course I should have at least that aptitude.
Let's put aside the fact that I'm an average retarded, yes?
The Book Fair at my university started today, and I went crazy. I bought The Godfather and Little Women. They had a big Beatles dictionary, and a Beatles journal, but I considered them too expensive. On the other hand, I will buy Michael Moore's stupid white men, for my dad's birthday.
I will also buy a copy of one of my dad's books, to give it to Joseph. It broke my heart. My dad's books are being sold in the stand of a small store that sells second-hand books. I saw the future of my books, there (I'm publishing a book, hopefully by next month). Books that nobody will buy, except for your friends...HA! not even them, because your friends don't read and never have money and will want you to give them a free copy because they have no clue how much of an effort (money, time) it takes to publish a book.
Strangely, though, that doesn't quite discourage me.
An 8 in psychometrics...THAT discourages me endlessly. I'd like to curl up and go back to my mom's uterus, and stay there for the rest of my life (regression, Freud calls it...because your psyche is trying to protect itself...bless my Ego).
Joseph told me stories about UFOs, he saw the most outrageous videos on TV last night, and I was in awe at what he was telling me. I'm so sorry I missed that TV show. I heart UFOs, hardcore.
He also said something that upset me, about the jesuits murder in 1989, but my mind wasn't fast enough to formulate a good reply. If you're going to debate with him, yu have to be prepared with your best line of reasoning. I wasn't expecting such comment, so he caught me off-guard, and I decided to just keep quiet.
Ok, the stupid is signing off. Maybe, hopefully, if she's lucky, tomorrow she will make up for her failure, in her psychology of development midterm.
And if she does, yay for her, because then she'll stop talking in third person. She's talking in third person right now because she wants to stay away from her retarded self.
Or perhaps she's just pissy because her breakfast this morning contained ants, alive and dead alike.
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