Tuesday, 10/05/04 - 9:43 pm.
This is my second and last night of being home alone, because my parents are back home tomorrow night. I love them, but it's also such a great feeling, coming home to fix your own dinner and such.
But things aren't well with Joseph. Last night, we talked for about two hours (until past midnight), and I know he cried. We'd remain silent for five minutes, and then he'd break the silence with a whisper. I cried, too, silently. He says making me cry is the one thing he could never forgive himself for, and I don't want him to feel guilty. He doesn't understand I cry because I worry about him.
I still don't quite get what's wrong with him. I know he's upset, very upset at his friend...well, former friend, Fer. He's very hurt by something that's been happening, so he's decided to break off the friendship. But I also believe it's something about me, he's also upset because yesterday he found out I got mad at him last wednesday...I wasn't mad AT him, I was just uncomfortable by a certain action. I asked him if I'd failed him, and he said "no, I couldn't answer you that".
He's acting horribly. Not because he treats me bad or anything...but I'm so desperate by seeing him like that, all depressive, devaluing himself, saying he hasn't been able to change anybody's ways of behavior...he brought that up because he was insisting I should take the car and drive to his house. He was emphasizing on me DARING to take the car. He wanted me to dare, to be brave. And we argued because I never said "yes" or "no" to that. I told him that if he came to my house this morning, I'd drive him back and I'd stay for a while.
I was scared to death I'd done something wrong, that I'd just...broken him with something I did. And my world crumbled when he said he wouldn't go to the university for the rest of the week. Which meant I wouldn't see him. I'd just thought "he doesn't want to see me anymore" when he said: but don't worry, we'll see each other a lot when we're married. And he clarified he just didn't want to see Fer, and some things weren't right...but that he wasn't leaving me.
After an hour and a half of talking, he said he was feeling better, so I should feel better, too. Since for the rest of the week I'll be arriving to the university at around 11 am (guitar lessons tomorrow and on friday, John Lennon tribute on thursday *tear*), we'll have lunch together and then he'll leave.
I called him this morning, saying I couldn't find the car keys. But you can still come over...we'll walk Frog. So an hour later, I was waiting for him on a corner, with Frog, and I saw him approaching. It was funny, because the watchman was following him...I think he saw him dangerous, and wanted to make sure that he was just walking by the block. And I guess he thought Joseph was going to do something to me, because he was coming straight to me. I walked faster until I met him. I kissed him, and right then the watchman changed his course and crossed the street, like trying to make it look as he was casually walking around, as a part of his routine.
We walked Frog, and we talked. He seemed very melancholy. I was going to invite him in, but that'd have looked suspicious (watchmen were watching here and there), like I was going to take advantage of my parents' absence to bring guys into the house. So we stayed on the porch all the time. The three of us, because Frog stayed out, too, ocassionaly running to Joseph so he'd caress her empty head.
Neighbors and watchmen (there are always two standing guard) would walk by every once in a while. All the better. The world should know he's my boyfriend, and also that I didn't bring him into the house.
He left after about an hour. And the day at the university was awfully long and empty for me. I hadn't been so lonely since I met him. I had no purpose, I had no place to go. And things went as he predicted: nobody will ask you for me...your friends will, because they're *used* to see me with you. But nobody will care, they will not notice I'm not there, and nobody will ask. I saw two of his friends, they didn't ask me anything. Victoria and Irene did ask me.
The only nice part of the day (other than seeing Joseph, of course, but that was also kind of painful, because of the state he's in) was that my brother's girlfriend, Maria, gave me a ride to the university this afternoon. She took me to McDonald's first, and I bought a Happy Meal, and I got a My Little Pony doll (I used to watch religiously that cartoon, and I've always loved the toys). She asked me if I'd "met someone" by now, and I told her about Joseph. She was very happy for me, and wants to meet him (she works at the university, too, like my brother, his boyfriend...they're both psychologists with a master degree).
She's so cool...today I got the feeling she was my sister. My sister -the real one- and Maria are alike in their ways of thinking and their open-mindness. You just can tell them everything, and they're very supportive. They encourage me to find my independence.
This afternoon I was reading Jung and missing Joseph, when the ground I was laying on (I was in a little forest in the campus, on the grass) started to move. It was a tremor. I looked at my watch, it was 2:55. I wondered, as she did, if our volcano would join the others that are currently in activity (like the one in Washington). I've always feared that volcano. I live on it.
I need to talk to Joseph. I'm going crazy. I'd take it a little easier if he wasn't all sad...it's his somber mood what's got me desperate, I just want him to get better, I want to be with him and I want him to get better.
Don't worry, I'm not leaving you. I'll never leave you. And think that, when you see me again, you'll smile. So, smile.
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