Saturday, 01/09/04 - 11:11 pm.
Today's John Lennon birthday...AND Sean Lennon's birthday, too. John is 64 years old today, wherever he is. Happy birthday, John and Sean.
I'd received several invitations to join hi5, and I wasn't really into it. I did join when I heard there was a group for the class of 2002 of my school. I joined for the sake of joining, because I actually hate social networks, especially online. I have a pet peeve for bad grammar, and you see mispelling and bad grammar at their worst (or at its best) online. Plus, all those cliche messages: ur my best friends forever!!!1 U crazy girls!!!1, i luv all 1000x. Ur a super friend! and such. Not my type of social networks.
I found many old classmates, though. Including The Guy (then I remembered he'd also sent me an invitation to join, many weeks ago, which I ignored, like I did with the rest). I really don't care for "making friends". In fact, I'm not quite sure why I joined. But since I'm in already, I've been trying to get in touch with a few people I love and haven't heard of in months, like Betty. But it's not big deal, and I feel like a sellout.
God! WhY dO tHEy HaVE tO wRIte LiKe tHis?!?!?!?!
Meanwhile, back to the ranch, my left arm hurts, especially my fingertips, that are swollen and peeling off. Because as I said yesterday, I am redirecting my libido to a substitute. So, today I've played guitar for three hours, fifteen minutes. My arm is in pain, and I'm ashamed.
At times I think of Joseph...and of Joe. I'm not confused. I know I love Joseph, and I know I like Joe (the names are making it look like a case of split personality). I just feel guilty for feeling the latter. Luckily, if I think too much about Joe I realize that Joseph is better for me. Unfortunately, when I think of Joe again, in the Guitar Room, looking at me striking chords, Joseph doesn't even come in the picture.
I feel stupid. Angel says that's normal, to be in love with someone and yet like somebody else, because it's not like you'll dump the one you love for the one you like (because, as the saying goes, then the one you like will dump you for the one he/she loves).
I feel even more stupid playing the guitar, because it isn't even tuned. I can't tune it, and also my guitar is lame, and sounds like a sitar. The strings are breaking and I don't know how to change them. I know the chords, but I can't even play them well. It sounds horrible, and the only thing I've gotten in these three hours of playing, is four blisters and a massive muscle aching. I do admit that it's worked...when I play the guitar (no matter how much I suck) I don't feel anything for Joe...problem is, though, that I don't feel anything for Joseph, either. Just for the guitar. I feel only for my guitar.
Yay for Freud and his libido theory. Now I'm surrounding myself with objects of desire, and my energy is split in multiple halves.