Thursday, 10/21/04 - 10:12 pm.
Joseph betrayed me. This is a harsh statement, but I haven't found any other word that suits so well what he did today. I'm hurt, and I know he's sorry. But I don't really feel like forgiving.
We were at the juice parlor, in front of a computer, to surf the net for a while (as you may not recall, Adam, his friend, works there and has a lot of computers for rent...but we don't pay). So we were in that room, Joseph and I, it was dark and there was nobody else. He closed the door.
Of course, I never lose my mind when we're alone (only twice so far), because doing "crazy things" is definitely not my style, especially in relatively public places. Still, I let him unzip my pants and all, but when his fingers started to find their way, I said no.
He begged me a couple of times, and I kept saying no. So he pulled away a little. Say it again, he asked me. "No", I repeated. And he backed off...but as I was tidying myself up, he quickly slid his fingers under my pants, and almost got "there".
And I said, as I sort of fought him "I will never trust you again". Tears started to pile up in my eyes...you see, he didn't harm physically (as a matter of fact, it wasn't so bad). But I was betrayed. I'd said no, and still he did it (almost), after pretending he wouldn't. I pulled away from him, and he noticed I was crying. I bit my lip, because I was about to sob loudly.
I honestly can't remember all the things that went on afterwards, but I remained silent for a while. He was at first upset, but then he understood: he'd promised me he'd never make me cry, and yet he'd done the worst thing he could've ever done. You seem to be one of those guys who believe NO means YES, I said ironically (because he isn't), after the tears had dried. He didn't answer, but I believe he caught the rape reference. I was upset, very upset and hurt.
I'm a jerk, he said. After all, I do not deserve your trust. He was obviously embarrased at what he'd done, even though that didn't make me feel any better. You see, at first it seemed like he was mad at me for not being "in the mood", but it was actually that he was mad at himself for getting so carried away.
We left the juice parlor, and got back to the university. I thought he'd walk me all the way to the classroom, but he stopped suddenly and said sadly I leave you here. He kissed me on the cheek and started to walk away.
I stood in his way. He said he was sorry for hurting me, that he'd promised himself he'd never make me cry. I said a few things, that I wouldn't break up with him for what'd happened, that it was nothing (it WAS something, he said; nothing that can't be fixed, I said, thinking so at the time), that hurting was normal in a relationship and he couldn't possibly expect we'd never get hurt. You know [hurting you] is bound to repeat, he said. "Well, now I know what to expect from you", I finished.
He kissed me again on the cheek. Will you show up tomorrow?, I asked, kissing him on the lips. I don't know...I have a lot to think about. I think he hates himself for what he's done.
When I came home, I cried so hard I was suffocating. I do not remember getting this kind of hurt, ever...it was like with The Guy years ago, only ten times worse. He scared me. Joseph says I scare him, being so fragile and yet so tough, but that's stupid, compared to the harm he could do to me. I even felt like cutting (because I suck at crying), just to spite him, but I'm sure that wouldn't do any good.
Looking back, I think I was too soft on him when we were saying goodbye. I only kissed him because I was scared he'd kill himself if he saw the minimal probability of me breaking up with him because of what'd happened. I know he's sorry, and embarrased, and he knows very well that he's hurt me. He broke something. I had to be the strong one right then, saying everything was going to be ok. I can't conceieve how I managed to look so calm, because right now I'm a bundle of nerves and suffocation. Not because I feel his fingers, but because I feel the betrayal. He lied to me.
I'm sorry to say this, but if he doesn't show up tomorrow, he'll be doing me a favor.
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