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Tuesday, 01/08/02 - 1:51 p.m..

Friendship is giving everything and not expecting anything in return.

Beats me. I think you're wrong. Maybe not wrong, you just aren't right.

Friends don't do that to friends. Friends don't fuckin' do that to their friends.

Friends don't put aside their friends because they found "the love of their lives".

Friends don't have friends just because their set of genitals matches with their own.

Friends make mistakes and hurt their friends. But friends learn from their mistakes and care about not making them again.

Friends don't make their friends "temporal promises" just to make them smile for a while.

Friends don't put aside their friends when they're suffering just because: "I don't want you to suffer with me".

Friends don't trade friends for an army of admirers.

Friends do owe something back to friends.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I wasn't born to be a friend, neither to handle friendship. At least, not yours. How can you say that? HOW CAN YOU FUCKIN' SAY THAT? How can you ask me to tell you all of my secrets, as if it was my duty? What makes you think that I feel like telling them to someone like you?

I'll tell you what...friends do owe something to their friends and don't fuckin' tell me that you don't expect to get anything back from friendship, because you do, and you fuckin' know it.

I'll tell you what I expect. I expect to receive what I give. I expect that, if I love you, you love me back. I would expect that, if I listened to you, you would listen to me. I'd expect that, if I cried, you'd cry with me. I expect that, if you cried, you'd let me cry with you. I'd expect that you'd come to me when you're happy, because I'd really love to be to you when I'm happy, too.

But to you, goddamn you, friendship is "being there" when your friend is shedding tears. To you, friends don't need you when they're happy.

I'll tell you what. I really don't. I don't need you when I'm happy, and eventually I won't need you when I'm sad. I don't need anyone like you, who writes the book about how friendship should be but doesn't even know how to pretend to be one.

I don't need to listen how your is life coming along. But as a matter of fact, I do. And I need you to listen how mine is coming along, too. You hear, but you don't listen. You're waiting for me to shut up so you can start to talk.

Stop measuring friendship. Take it or leave, don't leave it hanging up. Don't leave me hanging up. You're going to strangle me. Stop building a friendship standards around us, stop tying us with knots.

Maybe I measure friendship, too. Maybe I ask for too much. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to be there for me, no matter what mood I'm in. I did that for you, you just didn't notice. I just wanted you to understand that there are things that I keep to myself, like you keep things to yourself. although you say you tell me everything and that there are no secrets between friends. You can't measure friendship based on how many secrets you tell your friend.

I don't know when I became invisible for you. I don't know what drew you to me, in the first place. I don't know when you got the wrong idea that I was just a cute, heartless teddy bear to have fun with. I don't know how could you have left me in that corner, getting dusty.

I can't believe you got back. I can't believe all of a sudden you remembered that I existed. I can't believe you came running to me. I can't believe you did hear me crying. I can't believe you finally hugged me again. I can't believe you asked me why I was crying. I can't believe you couldn't realize that I was crying for you.

I can't fucking believe you thought that picking me off the ground and drying off my tears was enough for me. I didn't want to get back to that lonely corner. But I'm so sorry, I had forgotten you had better toys to play with.

I don't know anything about friendship. Maybe I should listen carefully to the friendship standards. "Friendship is giving everything and not expecting anything in return". Nice. But you do, don't you? I do, too. That's why I'm hurt. Friendship is like a favor. Despite the real idea of "favor", when you do a favor, you expect that this someone will return it to you someday, somehow. And the other way around. Not money, not a reward, not even a praise for what you did, just the same thing back at you.

Just....don't mind me, ok? Go ahead, do what you always do, ignore me. I'm sorry I drew you attention when I was crying, I'll try to hide it better next time (because there'll be definitely a next time. You...it's always about you....and me).

Excuse my lame friendship standards, but I always thought friendship was about something good.....and mutual. But then again, it must be me. I must be wrong. But you're not right, either.

I'm sorry I met you. I don't regret it, I'm just sorry.

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