The closing ceremony of three long, dsitressing, rewarding, days.
Wednesday, 12/01/04 - 10:20 pm.

I had a hard time waking up at 6 this morning, and on the way to the university at 7:20 I was reminded today's december the first. The boulevard seems like a lame copy of Houston's highways, and I couldn't wait to be in Houston, just to leave behind this stress.

I had nothing to do in the campus until 10 am, so I studied for the last time (I didn't know that at the time) for the psychodinamics final. And I wished I'd brought my black hood, because the cold weather is coming back.

Today was the final conference, and as usual, a few classmates and I were in charge of checking assistance, giving out material and preparing to give out the snacks at noon.

The psychodinamics professor is such a great guy, and he's one of the best I've ever had. He knows we've been working hard since monday, some even had to go to the supermarket for last minute things. So he treated us to lunch. I was a little embarrased, we all were, but he insisted, and it'd have been just so unpolite to say no.

So DrunkGuy (we don't call him like that, anymore), M, L, E, W and I (I, me, duh) walked with the professor to the pizza place at 1:45 pm, after carrying back all the huge tables and chairs we'd borrowed from the psychology lab in the morning. We insisted he had to come with us. He's the one who pull the whole event through, and he too needed a break.

We arrived there, we ordered, we talked about psychology and re-starting the psychology billboard again...a few things, but never -of course- bringing up the final we were about to take, in an hour or so. There was still this professor-students atmosphere, but it was very laid back, very relaxing. It was just for entertaining purposes. This is to show you our gratitude, for helping us pulling this through, the professor said, in his nice, funny mexican accent. He's great. He really didn't have to do this for us.

I had to meet up with a school teacher/friend at 2, and I called him apoligizing, saying I'd be there at 2:30 (we were still eating at that time, I discovered horrified). Well, I ended up running into the coffee house at 3:15, after walking for 20 minutes (from the pizaa place to the university, all the way through the campus, to get out of it by the entrance on the opposite side, to the coffee house), with the pizza still in my throat, Joseph in my thoughts, and a slight fear of the final that was approaching. I was so embarrased, I HATE being late, and he's always on time. The teacher/friend understood, though, he's ok. We caught up a little, he bought a copy of my book and at 3:45 I went off to look for Joseph, before my final at 4.

I found him, and I put the world in the palm of his hand (I had a small world, I think I got it from a pencil sharpener), gave him a christmas card with a lollipop attached, and, I stole a can of Pepsi for you...I know you're all for 7-UP, but Pepsi was all I had. He said I didn't get you anything for christmas. I said he was my christmas present. I knew it's too early for giving christimas presents, but I was thinking I may not see him again...and that's part of the problem ahead.

We talked and I hugged him. He still seemed distant, and somewhat sad. Maybe even mad at me. I wanted to ask him, to tell him something, but words escaped from me. The professor showed up with the exams, so he left.

And I took the goddamn final. It wasn't so hard, and I'm glad I'm through with that. It lasted two hours, from 4 to 6. I was exhausted, with a headache.

After the exam, I had to go to the auditorioum to help out with the closing ceremony of the conferences that've been going on for the last three days. I was in charge of the coffee and the cookies. We all (the ones the professor treated to lunch) were. I'd show up here and there, I wasn't there all the time. really. I was too tired, too sad.

Because before the ceremony began, before the coffee stand was set up, Joseph showed up. He told me he'd been having a rough week, he'd lost a lot of money (including his university payment) and...he was sad, upset. Then he said he had to leave, and I said I'd walk him to the cafeteria, where he had his stuff.

And he spilled it out. You know what was upsetting him? these six months, I've been the one to come to you, always. You haven't demonstrated me, you haven't done your half...I always look for you, you never look for me. And...this is the last time you'll see me coming to you. If you want to see me, then come look for me. Have a nice trip. Goodbye.

I know he's right. He said he doesn't want just some sort of university romance, he said he wants a serious relationship, something beyond the campus, something normal, that involved going out once in a while. And I didn't say a thing, because he's right, and I was afraid of making promises, "I'll go see you on sunday", because I could break them at the last minute. I already have before.

I'm thinking how to see him before I leave. I'd have to go to his house, and that scares me a little. And even if I wasn't scares, my parents would never let me, you know they're so fucking conservative and insecure, and I'm still so dependent on them, and he hates that. I can't help feeling a little misunderstood by him, though, my parents are nothing like his, and he insists I should already be able to stand up and go out when I want to.

I had to go into the auditorium, and when I walked out again, I saw Joseph leaving. He saw me, but pretended not to, and walked away with his friend. And right there, he touched the most sensitive of my fibers...it hurts so much me to be ignored.

I was tired, I had a headache, and I had the pressure of keeping the relationship alive. I'm not the girl who likes to blame herself for everything that's wrong in the relationship, but I know this time it's my fault...or at least my upbringing's fault.

At the end of the ceremony, my psychodinamics professor mentioned our names, thanking us for helping with the event. And people clapped, and it was nice. It was rewarding. See, he'd already bought us bags of chips, and had taken us out for lunch. We had one of those "aaaww, shucks" reaction, in which you put your hands on your back, look at the floor and kick the air.

There was a musical number at the end, and the professor was part of it, because he rocks with the harmonica. I stood on the doorway, listening and trying to figure out what to do about Joseph, and suddenly, Joe was next to me.

I knew he had a final today, but I didn't know at what time. It was great seeing him. I sat next to him, and we talked a little, we mostly just listened to the music. He cheered me up (even though he doesn't know), and my heart was racing when we were sitting next to each other. I don't know...it felt so right.

Anyway, the ceremony finished, and that meant these last three days that became so distressing for me just because I was holding a stapler were done. But I've taken so much: I created a stronger bond with the classmates, as well with my professor, and I found out I was able to help out with last minute logistics. We hoped to get social service hours for that, but we won't. In any case, it was a wonderful experience, however exhausting.

We all took a picture with our professor, and I took home a huge daisy from the stage. The professor said it was ok. Oh, he has a daughter, and her and his wife were with him almost the whole event. His wife helped, too, she's nice.

Oh, oh. I got a diploma, too. And I only attended two conferences.

I said goodbye to Joe. I said goodbye to everybody, and left the university with my brother (he works there, remember?). We stopped by his ex-girlfriend's house, to pick up a pizza. It was kind of hard, at least for me. They lived together in that house, and now she lives alone (with a dog). She was having dinner by herself.

And I'm finally home, falling asleep, with a headache, knowing I still have three finals, relieved by the fact that the psychodinamics one is over, seeing the suitcases we'll take for our trip in two weeks, happy to see Joe (wanting to see him again), hoping the classmates and I can pull something nice in the future (a billboard magazine or something), and having loads and loads of good memories from these past three days, even though I'd never been so tired, I'd never had so little sleep in a long, long time.

But most of all, I'm worried. I'm trying to come up with a plan to see Joseph once again (go to his house, meet some place), to show him I care. I put on his shoes, and I'd too be upset if he never seemed to make any effort, and I had always to be the one in motion, trying to keep the relationship glued. I've been wanting to cry the whole night (except when I was next to Joe).

I'm sure I'll read this entry in a few months, and I'll hate myself for not depicting the events in a more emotive way, as I'm feeling right now. But I'm so tired I might pass out right now. Falling into a coma wouldn't be so bad.

prev / next