Friday, 12/03/04 - 10:03 pm.
Well, I lost a long, long entry, that explained why I've been crying all day. This one probably won't turn out like the other was, but I'll give it a shot (after almost crying). I need to get this off my chest.
Basically, after an awkward phone call in the morning, I realized I'm the worst girlfriend ever, and I also wished Joseph had gotten married with that girlfriend he loved so much, because she was "his partner" and she "understood him" so much. He wasn't comparing her to me or anything, we were talking about something else, but it still hurt.
He made me feel like an idiot, even though I know that wasn't really his intention. Or maybe it was, I don't care. I replied to a comment he made, you're still smarter than Fer, and that's enough. That's still a very low parameter, I replied. I knew you'd say that. So, you probably also knew I'd feel stupid.
I cried silently so many times, it was such an awkward conversation. After hesitating for so long, I dared to ask him if he was mad at me. No...when I get mad, I disappear. That didn't relieve me. It scared me. You have no concept as to how much that'd have destroyed me. But on the other hand, that's what I want to do myself. Disappear.
- Me: hey, I'll call you on sunday, because I won't be able to call you tomorrow (I always call him on saturday) to fuck you up.
- Him: ok, those words weight like a brick.
- Me: I know. I've been carrying a few myself lately.
I asked him if he wanted me to call him on sunday. What, do I get to make all the decisions now?. I knew he'd ask that. I'm not giving everything on a silver plate. No. I just don't want to ruin your day. He said I don't. I don't believe him. I've sure ruin my days, and certainly fucked up the whole relationship.
Have I made you cry these days?, he asked. I looked at the still fresh red line on my wrist, and held the knot in my throat. "Yes. But it was a necesity", I said, not because I believed it, but because I wasn't going to make him feel guilty (he hates to make me cry) and, consequently, make me feel even more guilty than I already do. Call me if you have the courage. Yeah, well, you don't have to rub it in my face all the time.
He noticed his words (what he said two days ago) really had an impact on me, because when he asked what are we gonna do, then?, I repeated -cleverly, may I add- that he had nothing to do, he'd done everything for six months. My words are carved on you, he said. Well, duh, what the fuck did you expect? I think he's grown to consider me dumb and slow.
I'll call you when I have good news. The good news would be that I could go to Cel's house (it'd be handy if I could CONTACT her, therefore, if all her phones numbers WORKED), because they're neighbors.
He said ok. Silence. I was trying to say goodbye, but I was afraid of my voice breaking. Finally, he said bye, and when I replied, a deep sob escaped my mouth.
Then I sat on my bed with my head between my hands, and I cried desperately for a long time, feeling like the most horrible person in the world, and the worst girlfriend ever.
Not much changed as the day has gone by. I want to disappear. I even want him to break up with me. I don't think I could repair this. I don't have time, I'm leaving in two weeks. And then I'll come back at the end of january. It's going to be too late. For some strange reason, and even though I love him, I don't want to see him anymore.
This morning I'd decided I wasn't going to be alienating my body with cuts anymore. Cutting myself like I did yesterday is not the same as when I was 17. I feel like cutting again now, not because I'm mad at Joseph. But I won't. I don't have to. It's not a need. It's something I can control.
I discovered my cutting wasn't about Joseph. It's me. I've failed.
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