Wednesday, 12/08/04 - 9:05 pm.
I guess I should begin by remembering John Lennon. Tomorrow I present my book, and it's because of in his own write and a spaniard in the works that I dared to publish. Thank you, John.
Joseph called me last night, which I never thought he'd do. I'd sent him a text message: "when I said you looked fat, I meant I miss you. Girls are funny that way". The call was long, and not pretty. I didn't cry because I didn't allow myself to.
- Me: then why don't you just break up with me?
- Joseph: because I believe you are the greatest woman that I will ever have in my life.
That made me hopeful, and almost made me cry. But then he said that all his past girlfriends had one thing I did not have: freedom. The freedom to go out and such. And so many things I don't even remember, but they hit me so hard. I said I knew I'd screw everything up, that at first I wasn't aware of what was happening, that I knew I was a failure, that I wanted to start doing things differently as soon as I came back from Houston.
Is there a church nearby?, he asked. "Yes", I replied. Then PRAY for things to be remotely like they're right now. I can't emphasize enough the word "pray", but I believe he's just waiting for me to come back and break up with me.
I said I'm sorry for failing you. And he went on about how I should never say that, because it's the most hurtful thing to say, that it hurts yourself...well, duh!.
I cried until I fell asleep (yeah, that thing of not allowing myself to didn't quite last), and after hours of thinking, I came up with a plan. It's a plan that's evolved all through the day, and I hope I can accomplish it on friday. I need Cel's help, who's nowhere to be found. And Art has offered to help me, too. But I'm so scared.
I feel like the ugliest person in the world. I'm such a failure. There are so many things I'd like to say to Joseph, and above all I just wish he did what he has to do, which is break up with me. By not doing so, it seems like he still has faith...but at the same time, I think he's quite skeptical. He shouldn't believe in me anymore, and I guess he doesn't. So why not just break the fuck up with me already?
I cried about it in the morning as well, and the fact that my dad treated my mom like crap today just made me cry harder. I don't remember feeling this miserable in a long time. I've had a 24/7 heartache for weeks now, and I'm almost getting used to it.
In other news, yesterday a psychology professor died. I only talked to him a few times, he'd walk by my brother's office and ask us both: just what are you up to?. He was friends with my parents in the 1960s, too. He was going to be my professor last year.
I had an extra Psychology of Development II class today, because the professor didn't finish her material. We were going to study death and mourning, how to deal with it ourselves and how to treat the ones who are going through that. It was a heavy topic, and now this good old man dies. He was a psychology pioneer in the country, and my PoD professor couldn't bring herself to be in class, so it was cancelled. It reminded of the death of Ern over six months ago. Cancelling class over someone who passed away.
Well, aside from all that, my book was featured on a small newspaper today. Not even featured, what the fuck. But someone introduced it, and said his 8-year-old stated: I liked it. Then the man said I'd be a good writer for children. Man, what the fuck? I talk about stabbing people with bad grammar, and being considered a communist, and lynching lustful workmen. Thanks, anyway.
Today I walked into the classroom (when I still didn't know the class had been cancelled) and William said: hey, I'll buy your book but you'll have to sign it for me. All heads turned to me, and a girl asked what book. And that's how a few people learned I had a book. And that's how I learned how other few people already knew I had a book. It was nice and embarrasing, but it's ok. If my book is to get famous, I want it to be by word of mouth. Did you know that's how Aerosmith got big? Well, now you do. Also, three girls that are in charge of the psychology billboard asked me to write something for it. Oh, yay.
Today I talked to Joe. Twice. He's a funny guy, I enjoy our conversations. It's mostly about music, but it never gets dull.
In conclusion, I'm certain I want to keep Joseph. And hey, ho, that's not possible anymore. However, I tend to think he's being too harsh on me, because after all, he only told me once what was wrong (granted, I should've known) and inmediately gave me this kind of ultimatum, that I should be the one to go look for him. I wish it'd been gradually. I guess being like that, all tyrannical as he said, was the only way to make me snap. That's sad...because that means being tyrannical is the only way to get to you. Well, fuck you. Fuck you for wanting to fuck me. Seriously.
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