Three happy e-mails and the last, last chance.
Sunday, 12/12/04 - 10:18 pm.

It dawned on me today that I'm leaving on wednesday. I already started packing, but I still feel there's one duty I have yet to fulfill...

Joseph.

I dared to tell my mom that I had to go to his house, to give him a book and say hi to his parents. Do you want to know what she said? She said "ok". And my dad only tagged along. So I guess I'll go tomorrow morning, just to drop off the book and maybe meet his parents. I'm not staying, my parents will be waiting for me in the car. But still...it's the only thing I'm able to give to him under my circumstances.

I cried and cried in the morning, until I checked my e-mail. Christine, Angel's girlfriend, had sent me a Beatles e-card, to cheer me up. It was a cute gesture, and it did cheer me up. I have to thank her again for that pretty detail, so thank you, Christine!!!

I also had two more e-mails. One from a girl named Marcela, who's a classmate. She's now in charge of the psychology billboard in the university. She said I'm a member, too, of that Asociation In Charge of the Psychology Billboard or whatever. I went "what the fuck?", because I never really asked for that. But I guess it's ok. I'll write here and there, and maybe I'll take pictures (IF I get the goddamn digital camera this time around in Houston). But it made me glad, to know I'm being part of something that'll reach out a lot of people.

And the last e-mail came from...Joe. I think he's cute, that he took the time to write me about nothing in particular.

Hi.

Finally, zero midterms. Funny thing is that I keep studying, just out of inertia, but that's a lie.
You leave on the 15th, don't you? How cool, I envy you.
Have you seen the Peugeout commercial, I hope the same happens to you (kidding).
Ok, I have to go because I have to keep studying...

What's the name of your book? I went to the bookstore today but I couldn't find it.
Did you figure out "Real Love"?

Thanks for reading.

He's funny, because he always says things to me and then goes "that's a lie", or "just kidding". Truth is he'd warned me about that in his first e-mail, so it's ok, I guess. I'm a little curious about that Peugeot commercial, but I bet someone gets runs over or something.

So yes, with the perspective of going to Joseph's house tomorrow, in a legal way (no lying to parents, no sneaking out of a friend's house), and those three e-mails, I feel kind of happy right now, and I'm willing to omit the fact that I actually cut myself last night. But that was because I realized that the one thing that's worse than Joseph leaving me is me hurting Joseph.

I wanted to die last night, like I didn't want to since...quite a while. I was howling into my pillow, I was so desperate. I thought I was going to explode of pain, and I cried for hours until I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I began to cry again.

But seriously, I'm fine right now. I went for pizza with my cousins this noon, and yesterday (I forgot to mention) Victor and I took out two guitars from the guitar room and played for a while. He taught me a technique that I still suck at. But it was quite alright.

Tune in tomorrow.

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