So, how do you call this kind of life?
Thursday, 01/27/05 - 11:39 am.

The most disturbing fight unleashed last night, over my niece's science project. I heard screaming and slamming of doors, and I believe even my sister in law ended up crying. I stayed out of it, in the living room. I just kept strumming the guitar, holding back the tears. I knew I couldn't possibly do any good to the situation, I'd just get sucked in.

It was the second time that day -yesterday- that I'd kept myself from crying. The first one was when I said goodbye to my brother, who left for Mexico (to some sort of congress, he'll be back on sunday, but I'll be gone by then). We both were faking this huge smiles, even when we hugged very tight, and I was energetically waving at him as he drove away. Inside I was breaking, and it's safe to say so he was.

The point is last night was very ugly. And I wanted to leave this house, with the consolation that, back in my bedroom, I could pretend the wars in this family don't exist. The weekday afternoons and nights make me want to leave, because the moods of the kids are sometimes just unbereable. I understand they're tired and have a lot of things to do, but they keep taking it out on each other, and especially on their parents. My niece yells an awful lot when she's mad, and last night she also started to hit the door with something. I thought she was going to break it down.

I didn't feel like getting involved, because for all I know, I'd have started beating the crap out of her to shut her up. She's the one that's always sssshh-ing people and saying "I'm not finished", "let me talk", "don't interrupt me". But as a matter of fact, she deserves the same. She has the dumbest reasons to be annoyed, too, like my nephew listening to music (at a very low volume) or her brother wanting to eat some chocolate ice cream topping (usually that'd be valid, but there were a few circumtances that made it the other way around).

It's pretty much that feeling I got when I watched riding in cars with boys. I kept hearing the screaming and the slamming, and I thought to myself, highly disturbed, that these things happen all the time in this house. God, knock it off, already, shut up, was all I kept saying in my head. What kind of life is that one, why and how are they ever gonna get out of this circle of stress? Surely it'd be grand if the kids grew some more common sense and cut their parents some slack, but I don't really see that happening.

My sister in law is attending college again, which I think it's great. But I'm sorry for her, because now she'll be even more tired. She stayed one hour more at work, for two days, to work on my niece's report. Last night my niece was yelling "YOU RUINED IT", and "YOU HAVEN'T HELPED ME AT ALL!", and saying that it was her project to work on...which she never really did, may I add, unless her parents pushed her (which, may I add, always caused a major breakdown in her...God, will she ever be a little rational?).

Denise, my sister in law endured all that, and luckily my niece's partner and her mother came over to help finish that damn project. They left at 9, and from 9 to 11, Denise worked on her own college assignments (I've found that whose line is it, anyway? is good for keeping the kids still). She'll come at 9:30 tonight, after class. I can handle everything around the house, and I'm so glad to help. It just worries me how they'll manage when I'm not here anymore. It worries me that the kids feel forsaken by their parents, and yet they keep pushing them away and yelling at them whenever they try to help. I'm also afraid that the weight of this stressful lifestyle will affect my brother's marriage (when we came they were separated. By christmas they said they were going back together. But sometimes they still seem mad at each other).

I'm supposed to take my nephew to Randall's for lunch (and to buy a few things for the house), and to go to B&N to make my last purchases. But it's raining. It never fails. I hope it stops, or I'll...go in the rain.

These are overwhelming, sad days. But then again, that's what's customary in this household.

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