Thursday, 02/10/05 - 4:20 pm.
From last night's phone call, I believe it's only a matter of time that Joseph and I break up. The first 30 minutes, out of 50, were pretty ok, but then he got all...annoying, if that's the word.
He seems to believe I'm this intellectual elitist who picks her "friends" based on their grades and on their grammar. That hurt me, seriously. And, this isn't new, he also seems to believe that I consider him SO academically inferior to me.
So he asks me to name people in my class whose average score is around or below 7. I couldn't think of any at the time, though in the morning I remembered 6. I guess that meant to him that I only like to hang out with "nerds", because hey, I'm a nerd, too! So why aren't you closer to other people?, he asks. Because I've never been close to people in general, I reply. Silence. You know that's true, Joseph. Fuck you.
Oh, and guess what else? Nobody likes to get help from a "nerd", like I apparently am! Haha, isn't that funny? All my life people have been telling me that I should try to help fellow students who seem to be in academic difficulties. Well, they don't want my help! Do you, Joseph? Or is it going to make you feel inferior and less intelligent?
I can't fucking win with this guy. I'm the loser who's incapable of doing anything for herself and is mentally 12 years old, but also I'm the elitist quasinazi who picks her friends based on the priviledges she'll get out of their academic performance.
Well, if that's true, then, we still should break up. Piece of crap I turned out to be, huh?
You can't possibly understand how relieved I was when that awesome conversation finished and I hung up.
I came to find Joe online, who was annoying me by saying he knew everything, over and over again. While I remembered I really, really like him, I didn't think things could ever work out, in the [highly] hypothetical situation that he likes me back. I don't really trust him...and it's because I don't know when whatever he says it's true or not. "It's only a joke", in the end, he's joking when he lies to me (like last night, he sent me an MP3 of a singer I loathe and he likes, disguised as a John Lennon track). But one can only stomach a few jokes before building an opinion of the person.
A year and a half may not be such a big difference when it comes to age. But perhaps it's because I'm dating this guy who's five years older than me, because with Joseph I got used to a serious, adult, stable relationship, that I talk to Joe and I think, nah. That should've been when I was 16, 17. Puppy love, a romantic soulmate fantasy of this pretty boy who plays guitar and loves The Beatles.
So, yes, it's gotten to a point in which I think, I don't want to be with Joseph anymore. Not if he sees me like that, not if he feels like that because of me. I don't want to be with anybody, as a matter of fact.
Alright, well, don't get me started (any more). I'll go finish baking a cake.
prev / next