So basically, this is out of my control.
Saturday, 02/12/05 - 5:04 pm.

After a few moments of hesitating this morning, I got myself into the commitment of having lunch with Joseph on tuesday. My dad'll take me to the mall (he only said all right), and I'll go to the shop Joseph works at.

I called Joseph to tell him that. He didn't sound very happy, but he was having problems at work. I don't think it had anything to do with me (that book, the four agreements has really helped me), and if it did, he'd tell me on tuesday. I'm actually excited to see him, I smiled at the thought of walking into the shop and seeing him. I was thinking this morning that it'd actually be very hard for me to leave him.

When I say this morning I mean 2:00 am. Because that's when I went to bed, BECAUSE I was talking to Joe online. See, that worries me. You don't spend three, four hours a night talking to someone online. I could do that with Angel, but that's very different, as we share a background, to begin with. Joe, he was almost a stranger when we started to have conversations over the internet, when the guitar workshop finished last semester, and you'd think he has better things to do than to talk until 2 am with a former pupil who sucks at playing guitar (Angel does have better things...he went to a party last night, and he said he'd pick me up in 20 minutes to take me, but he never did...mhph, hot latin quasicanadian pimp).

And so, I was at 2 am, awake, not sleepy at all, because I was going around in circles on the subject. I think of them, and basically I have the same feelings for both. If I'm thinking of one of them, I feel the need to think of the other one, and I even asked myself, am I cheating on Joseph by having feelings for someone else? It's my policy not to get involved with more than one person at a time, I'm a faithful being.

But this is disturbing, because this all just seems to be out of my control.

Although some things Joe says make me not lose my hope that he's gay.

Still on serious subjects, I talked to my friend Angie last night, too. She gave me news that nearly bring me to tears: she's moving to the United States in may. I HATE that. I don't want her to leave. I know we've drifted apart this last semester, but she's still someone I really love and like to be with. I don't know what else to say, except that I'll miss her. First Cel, now Angie. It's not like it kills me and my life is over, but...it just sucks, you know.

The only thing that's got me happy today is Grease. I watched it last night with my nephew Javier. I'd seen it before, and he loved it, but I had to explain to him that that's the way musicals are: they begin to sing out of the blue and the music appears on its own. Summer Night gives me the chills, and I want to wears those long dresses, with sneakers.

I wish I could exercise. The pain on my spine is almost entirely gone, but I guess I'll have to wait until next month when I see the doctor. What a drag.

I spend my days taking pictures, cooking, watching Beatles/Aerosmith tapes in my bedroom (until now I wasn't aware of how much footage I have), trying to come up with ideas for the writing contest (for the record, this is not about the money), practicing guitar, and, above all, as pathetic as it sounds, waiting impatiently for 10 pm, which is usually the time Joe comes online.

Sure, yeah, bye.

prev / next