Friday, 02/01/02 - 10:15 pm.
Today we had our first meeting as a prom. Not everybody was there but I'd say there was 90% of us. Veronica wasn't there. Beats me why, I really had no contact with her today.
Ok, the day started out pretty standard: me, all alone, greeting people, people greeting me. We were having a quick test about this book, Popol Vuh, which was kind of...well, THE Bible to the indians who were here before spanish people fucked them up. Anyway, it was so fucking easy. It took us all no more than 15 minutes. Then we took the rest of the period off. Some of us discussed some things to do on march 19th, when we get to do a celebration for school, we throw a huge party.
Throughout the day, nothing big happened. I spent the reccesses all by myself mostly. Veronica went I don't know where and Carmen is busy with the Central Commission, the group that's managing the whole prom thing. I saw The Guy a few times, also. I guess he did see me, too.
So like I said, today it was scheduled our frist prom meeting and many people stayed after classes for it. The meeting was to begin at 2 o'clock. I had to pick up Javier when we were dismissed (he started going to my school today...pre-school...awwwww) so while I picked him up, walked through all the mass of students and found my dad (he was taking him to day care after school)
Everybody I know left school. You'll see, usually people go to have lunch to the nearby mall. I can't, because parental units...oh, God forbid. I don't, because I'm too lazy. So there was just The Magic Corner and Norman. I had lunch with them. They started playing volleyball and I left....at about 1:15 pm. And I swear the rest of the time I walked around school, with my backpack on. Fidel was out to lunch with Hector so I couldn't go to anyone's office. Julio was in his though...I just don't go to that one. So it was me and just me, walking alone, throughout the halls. I suppose everybody would find weird that I was walking in circles...well, not in circles, because I'd take one hall, then the next one...but every four minutes I'd get to the same place. The halls were completely empty, I felt like a ghost.
Hell, you know what? I was coming out of one of the halls and who do I see getting in school, coming from the mall? yes, The Guy (and a friend, but who cares about him). Why, oh-why, God? The motherfucker stayed, too!!!! For the rest of my ghost-like walking time, I kept seeing him. And I guess he also saw me a few times.
There was one moment when I was coming down the main hall and he was coming out of the senior high hall....we would have run into each other with no soul around us to see anything...but I decided to turn right in the other hall, the one that's in front of the senior hall. Either way, it'd have looked suspectious. I wasn't sure I wanted to run into him, because...I did want to run into him, so badly, and that just can't be. I can't count him on in my life, no. So I took the other way *sigh*. Maybe he thought I took that one because I wanted to avoid him. On the other hand, if I'd walked straight and run into him, he'd have thought that I kept walking just to run into him.
Eventually we did run into each other. He just waved and he said to me: hi, chief. Aw. He did not ignore me. But then again, there was no one 75 feet around us. I said hi back and that was it. Because by that time, 2:57 pm, people were already started to get together. And thinking with the head and not with the heart....what could have we done, anyway? I really didn't want to run into him to make out (I wasn't into it for getting laid, just so you know), and I don't think he really wants me, not as much as he says. I'm just the only one he's got to do it with (not that I do it, though). It's not that he's dying for me, it's not that he wanted to kiss me, it's not that he wants to be with me, it's not that he loves me. Ouch, shit.
The meeting? People suck. Norman, Carmen, Rodolfo, Phillip and a few others had created The Central Commission, so to speak. They took upon themselves the responsability to manage all of the prom stuff. Well, everybody just bitched and moan that they (the four of them) didn't ask anybody else, that they shut themselves just to create their little "group of leaders"....I mean, everybody was being an asshole, they couldn't see those four lads were doing it out of the goodness of their golden hearts. Eventually, they calmed down. Carmen even went listen, it seems that you just want us to say this, so I'll say it...WE'RE SORRY, OK?. And everybody went: aawww, no, don't say that, you're doing a great job. Duh!!! assholes. Who gets you, bunch of idiots?. At least we all got a bit organized in the end. I joined the Graphic Design commission, Carmen and Phillip are in it. We're to design the prom logo for all our events, the shirts and stuff. Although they both already have a raw logo and I must confess I felt a bit left-out...but I'm not in conditions of asking anything. They were the ones who did everything without being asked to. The Commission had their very own self-initiative, something that nobody else had. Now, they're just trying to get everybody to collaborate. I'm glad I'm going to be one of them, I'll do my fuckin' best. I'm currently working on a design for the back of our t-shirts.
I'm sad about The Guy...he couldn't make it with us. I turned around and saw faces, the same faces that I saw last year....except his. It's even worse when I see one of his friends. I was so used to seeing him next to this or that boy...and the I see this or that boy but The Guy's nowhere to be seen. Not among us, the class of 2002. Hopeless is such a strong word with such a tough translation into reality. Would it be cool if I still had hope, faith in him graduating with us this year? It's not cool. It sucks. It shows that sometimes miracles do not happen, and that destiny does exist, at least a short-term one. Him not graduating with us is his destiny. I'm hopeless. I've given up, for the both of us.
Cel called me. I think it's the first time I've ever talked to her on the phone. I'm really happy with the friendship I'm building with her and Art, her boyfriend. They're both so beautiful, and also make a great couple *tear in left eye*
I started to wonder this morning....who the hell found out that you get milk out of the cows' udders? I imagined it must have been some perv trying to get pleasure from a cow, who's got more than a couple of breasts. He wanted pleasure, he got milk. But who knows. History forgets those little details of the everyday life. Speaking of cows, I gave Melvin the little cow I bought for him in Houston. He was really happy with it. But then I saw a girl carrying it, and then another one, and so on. I hate it when he's surrounded by girls like those. It's not jealousy, really. It's more something against the girls.
Again, I'm happy and I'm sad. I'm sad for Veronica, she's....I don't know. I don't know her anymore. She does not know me either. And The Guy....this morning I felt I was so over him already, I felt free. But I see him and everything goes down the toilet. It's not that I'll kill myself if he doesn't love me, I'm not that desperate. I know he won't, anyway. Even though I feel so hurt, I just let it flow, what else can I do?
What else is to say?...well, hi, my ribs hurt. Cel, Mars and Adriana are coming over tomorrow to study math with me. And I'd better go to work on my assignments.
[Above all, you could say I'm one happy collective individual.......and yeeeeeees, I love him. I hate to admit it. I still do. Dammit.]
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