March. Finally I got my old layout back. Something good among this crappiness.

I got my report card today. Well, it's not a card, it's a piece of paper with my grades printed on it. 7 and up, because the math grade wasn't included. They repeated the exam, did I say that? yes, I did. It was today. I fucked up, as usual, but I have faith I'll pass it. Good Lord, I hate math.

Tomorrow is Julio's birthday. Former students visited him. And talk about the students...they (among others, Ricardo and the guy) harrassed him and the poor man had to lock himself up in his office. On the long reccess, he was literally taken in a rush to Carla's office and they held a little party...him, a few former students and Carla. And five of us: Norman, Rodolfo, Denver, Phil and yours truly. The rest weren't let in. It'd have been practically a threat to him, since them wanted to make him....uh, nevermind. That's kind of painful to even mention it. Anyway, we had a great time, we ate cake, we chatted...Carla's office is quite little so it was a nice atmosphere. *sigh* It's sad though.

This is the last year Julio will be in the country. He's being sent to some foreign country next year. What a fuckin' shame. We're all very fond of him.

Other than that, I think there was nothing spectacular with my morning. I was tired out though, this week has been a constant...shit, I'm just tired out, and awfully stressed.

I stayed in the afternoon, because Rod, Norman, Mars and I had to work on some social studies shit. We worked our ass off, and I can't tell how bored, annoyed I was. Plus, Carmen would come to my house after that, to study math because there's a test next friday. I really wasn't in the mood to study math after I'd been doing so throughout the whole week.

Man, do I feel like crap (physically and emotionally).

Veronica had stayed too, so she took the time to tell me what's wrong with her. She talked for about 5 minutes, a short explanation and then tears started flowing as she said: I feel I don't fit in anywhere, anymore.

Oh, well. I thought your dad wanted to get back to your mom (Veronica doesn't know him face to face) or something like that. You don't "fit in"? Shit, karma does exist. What do you think I felt when in 8th grade you dumped me, you went with Norman, Carmen, Marcelo, your boyfriend M. and your army of admirers and just left me alone? How do you think I felt in 9th grade, when I realized people were all the same, were all like you? How do you think I felt in Junior high, when you'd asked me to join you and your boyfriend Clown, you'd start talking about something I don't understand and shit....I mean, that's just to mention you. Let's talk about the hundred-and-something people that make me feel like an isolation freak.

Girl, that's not not-fitting-in. What you did was a pure screw up. I think that all of the people I put aside last year have changed towards me, she said. Claudia is always shitting on her, her group (Claudia, Norman, Rod) don't even invite her when they go out, her classmates suck....it's a big thing. You're the only one who hasn't changed to me.

Oh, cool. Ironic crap, I should've been the first one to leave her alone, after she fucked me up, because it still hurts. But what can I say...sucks to be me? She doesn't "fit in" anymore, give me a fuckin' break.

Well, we had to split up (she had a meeting and I had to work on the social studies thins) and she said thank you for listening to me. Yeah, yeah. That's the only thing she uses me for, I'm her fuckin' ear, then she goes with somebody else. Throughout the whole conversation...well, monologue, I just kept looking at her, right in the eye, because I like to assure people that I am listening to them. I didn't say anything. I didn't say how I felt. I didn't say how hurt I still am because she made me un-fit, and made me realize that I'm unfittable. I've been there, I'll probably always be there.

On the other hand, Carmen. She came to my house, started talking about depressive crap, but then all I heard from her it's about the pastoral gang. They say this, they say that...I mean, she's found her place. She spends her time in Julio's office, along with other pastoral freaks, like Rodolfo and Ricardo. Then...what? she comes and says that she's the most antisocial being in school. You too give me a fuckin' break, fucker...you're in the "coolest" group of them all. They let you in...you're in. You're one of them. I'm sure you have got more friends to trust than me...wait a second...were you talking to me? Excuse fuckin' moi.

I hate that. I hate it when them both (Veronica and Carmen) talk about shit that I've already been through and they don't even have a clue that I have...and they're oh-so-miserable for what they're going through. Funny thing is that they've been the ones who'd made me go through all that shit...wait, I don't see the fun in that.

I was going to call the guy, to see how everything went with his grades. I did call him, but he wasn't home. Today I wished he was with me, supporting me and helping me to go through this..."emptiness" I feel. Yet probably I wouldn't feel empty if he (or someone, a real someone, for fuck's sake) was here with me. Anyone who cared about me, not only because I listen. I thought that he doesn't really care about me though. I tried to call him because I do care whether he did ok with his grades, specially math and english. Although I wish he cared for me as much as I care about him, that's not why I tried to call. I want him to feel I care about him, because I really do.

I'm so stupid.

Always doing to everybody what I wish they did for me, I never get anything back. I know, I shouldn't do things just because I expect something in return. But...don't fuckin' tell me you don't expect anything when you do something good for someone. I mean...a thank you, or something like that. Something that tells you that you did the right thing. In my case...listen to me, please. Notice me, know that I do feel the need of being taken care of, I do have a lot of things to say. I'm really tired of taking care of myself, and taking care of everybody else. I feel alone, I want someone who I could really count on, like that person could count on me. I'm not sure if I act the right way towards people, everything I get seems to be punishment for some major fuck-up.

I wish too much.

Oh, holy fuckin' hell, the last thing I needed to break down...my brother Carlos is moving out on sunday. My sister and my nephew are moving back into her house (she'd been leaving here since she came back from Mexico in january) tomorrow...we're less people everytime in this house. I'm going to miss him a lot. Since he's the closest to my age (10 years older though) he knows what it's like to be overprotected, he's the one who understands me the most. He's the one who stays up late at night with my dad to watch a movie...I mean....*sigh*...related to this, Alan gave me $15. I don't know why he does that, but it's nice of him. He does it every month. BUT...he's leaving the country for good in january. It'll be only me left.

There's nothing or no one to hold on to, now that the life I've been leading for 17 years is collapsing.

Well, nice way to start a month...I'm a fuckin' ear to them both, and the fact that they are going through the same things they put me through and don't even think about it, they don't even notice I feel awful....it's all shit. Plus, I'm nothing to him (yeah, that shouldn't be a priority on my "why I feel so fucked up" list, I know)....I try to understand why is it that good things I do don't come back to me and what I did to deserve the bad things. Karma has its selectiveness, I guess.

You know what I'd like to do?
*Yours truly raises hand in the middle of the class and asks the teacher: can I commit suicide in front of the class?*

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