Thankyouverymuch.

Someone inside my head asked me how the fuck can I be in love with someone whom I don't know. I don't know.

Today, I talked to The Guy, we almost shook hands and we kissed. Nothing beyond social manners, surrounded by other people.

I called him a few minutes ago, with the excuse that I may not be able to call him tomorrow to wish him luck (his retire thing is on thursday and friday). Of course I will, but I wanted to talk to him. We talked stuff, nothing sexual. Because I called. When I call, we just talk about other things.

The prom shirts are on their way already. Someone had the kind and clever idea of making a few more...for Claudia (Norm's girlfriend) and The Guy, who are both repeating Junior and therefore won't graduate with us, and another one for Head. They live in the collective heart of the class of 2002 *tear in left eye*. They (and many others) should've been with us. The Guy in particular, lives in my individual heart.

I wish Nayda was in Senior high. She and a boy named Sermeno (whose real name I don't know), who's in 8th grade. The three of us hang out together a lot. We were together in the afternoon, I'd see them here and there, stay with them, then lose them, then run into them again. Sermeno kicks ass, he's one funny motherfucker, and very smart, I didn't even believe he was in 8th grade. I see him with Nayda a lot. They're not a couple, just friends. I think they play chess together (Nayda is national champion). Anyway, today the three of us and Fidel sat outside the library, in the hall, at 4:30. You get to do that kind of stuff with Fidel. (Quoting Cel: If someone tells you that he/she got soaking wet during a storm in the middle of the soccer field, in the afternoon, that someone was definitely with Fidel).

Phil stood me up today. We had to work on some signs and he left. Just like that, he didn't even tell me. I heard it from somebody else. So from 3:00 to 5:00 I did nothing around school, all alone. Well, I'd run into X person and such, but not much going on. I did run into Fidel, Serme�o and Nayda at about 4:30, and that's when we sat outside the library.

Before that, I was in the chemistry lab, learning how to do aspirine, with Norm, Rod and Mars. The experiment was a success. We also did something called...I don't know, but it was that Vick thing for achy muscles. It rocked. I was scared of touching everything though. You never know what may explode.

I really have the need of belonging to a group. But on the other hand, sometimes I think I'm better off all by myself. I suppose Fidel would say I need to find the perfect point...something like my individuality as a member of a collectivity. I'm unique.

Just like everybody else.

The truth is I'm feeling not-part of Senior high. I mean, if it wasn't for Fidel and Nayda I'd spend recesses all by myself. Which is really not as pathetic as it sounds. I feel I just don't fit in with my prom-mates.

And Carmen...forget about her, I lost her. Which is kind of cool, at least she's happy with her new-found group. Veronica...she pretends she loves me but that's what she says to everybody. Plus, she also has her group of friends, despite she goes telling me that she's oh-so-alone.

I was starting to feel depressive and I was going to play Misery (by Pink, featuring my dear Steven Tyler), but fuck you, I don't feel like victimizing myself. I fact, I have this little feeling....how is that thing you feel inside that lets you know you're going to laugh called? Anyway, that's it.

You ain't no typical sweet 16.

I love this song (shame the line above doesn't apply to me anymore though). It's kind of catchy. It reminds me of The Guy...that one and Love me like a birddog. They have a happy sound, they always put a smile on my face. Nothing like struggling with yourself over how will you feel, either sad or happy. I'll go for happy tonight.

Tomorrow we'll go to the UCA theater to see a play. I've heard it's pretty cool. But...fuck, fuck, fuck, we'll be back on time for the last period, which in my case is...guess what? math. I'm cursed, I'm fucking cursed.

I really don't want april to arrive. Because then it's senior high's turn to go the Loyola Center (or something like that) for two days, that spiritual thing that The Guy has on thursday and friday. I don't want to go. I told Fidel I'll be alone (Carmen and Veronica off with someone else). Fidel said everyone would cry. I hate that, everyone does it. Carmen and Veronica always cry and victimize themselves for nothing. People die thousands of deaths there, then back to school, they don't even remember they're alive. I already decided I'll choose Angelica to be my roommate. She was last year. Only this time, I can assure her there'll be no Guy bothering her, asking her where I am. I am afraid of loneliness up there (the Loyola place is up in the hills). Plus, I know I'll miss him, who cares if he doesn't miss me.

Hell, no, despite this all sounds kind of sad, I have a smile in my face. I'm listening to Little Grass Shack:

It's not the island's fair that it's calling to me
Nor the ivory sand or the tropical sea
But it's the little brown girl in the little grass skirt
In the little grass shack in Hawaii
I know that I'll be there, 1-2-3 yo
Without my rocking chair
with my best friend Joe
But it's the little brown girl
In the little grass skirt
In the little grass shack in Hawaii...

Well, it's kind of cold tonight...I am freezing. It's too windy, who can tell this is a tropical country? We're going to hell.

I've been feeling quite miserable at school lately. I'm alone. I don't fit in. I don't belong to a group, I don't have friends to hang out with ("friends" I do have, it's the "unconditional friend" that I'm missing)...y'know what? I really don't feel like breaking down, I'll just have a laugh out of my happinness. Yeah, God FedEx'd me some, isn't he great?

Go see the play, avoid my friends, look for Nayda and Fidel, stay at school until 5:30, call The Guy. I'm sure there'll be something else to do, but those are the things for tomorrow that I'm giving for granted. I'll work the rest out during motion, I'll get the rest out of Carpe Diem.

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