Wednesday. 03/06/02 - 7:41 pm.
I broke my own record. 8 hours of lack of social interaction.
Tell you what, today has been my most miserable day of Senior high, at least so far.
I was totally group-less. We went to the UCA theater and I sat alone in the school bus. We lined up to get in the theater, and I was alone. We took our seats...well, I sat next to Betty. We didn't talk, but at least she was someone nice and lovely to be next to. We rode back to school, and I was alone. We arrived to school and I was alone. I walked all around school for half-hour (before classes started again), all alone.
Veronica did call me twice to join her group but I said no. I'm really unconfortable with her. Carmen...well, I believe...I don't know. She saw me, but didn't say anything. Later on, she ignored me. Cheers to her, though. She's really happy with everybody at Julio's office.
Only Nayda came up to me and talked with me for a while. I'm going to miss her these two days. I'll also miss Fidel, he's going with Junior high. I told him that I'm unusually afraid of loneliness, something that I'd never felt before. This thing of everybody having a group and I...yeah, I know. I could join Carmen or Veronica but I really don't feel comfortable in their groups, I eventually drop out.
I sat alone during lunch and I heard the Pastoral group playing Uno. The Guy was there, but not even him made me stand up and socialize. Because...I know, we don't belong to the same..."enviroment", so to speak. Anyway, I was about to cry, now that I was alone...fortunately, Hector arrived and opened his office. That distracted me for a while (not much, since his office is next to Julio's). I got in and asked him for a piece of blue chalk. Just because. He went to brush his teeth and I stayed in the office.
A boy named Ern walked in the office, probably thinking that Hector was in. I just sort of smiled, because we've never met (plus, I wasn't feeling like smiling). He approached and said: hey, your rings are cool...you're the one who wears one in each finger, aren't you?. I showed him my fingers, covered in blue dust (because of the chalk). I'm only missing this one, and I shook my left pinky. I'll get you one, he said. He probably won't, but that was very kind.
Veronica called me up, asking me if something was wrong with me. Nah, I'm good, I said. As I hung up, I said to myself: If you only knew. I don't know...am I jealous of my friends because they belong to something and I don't? No. I just wish I could find a group of my own, one in which I'd feel comfortable, one to hang out with, an unconditional group. Not even a group, a Simeon would be ok. I wish Simeon existed. I miss you, Simeon.
The conclusion for today: I don't fit in any group of Senior high (let alone from any other level). Big surprise. I've always known that, it's just that I never thought it'd be that bad. I'm terribly hopeless.
Well, at about 5:00 o'clock, I went to look for Fidel, to say good-bye to him once again (we'd talked before and I told him about my unusual fear of loneliness). It felt peaceful. Suddenly, everything that went on during the day, for one second, dissapeared, and it was only me and the "panoramic" walkway. I saw that Fidel wasn't in his office so I turned around and got back, still thinking about today. Unusual lack of interaction, even for me. I saw The Guy coming down, I turned my head to another direction. I'll see him until monday.
Well, I have to go study stuff about Excel, take a bath, and call The Guy. Strangely, I don't feel "in love" with him when I call him. So it must be some dysfunctional part in my head.
I'm really not curious of what's for tomorrow. I know what, people all around me. Just around and nowhere else.
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