Rockin' pneumonia and a motherfuckin' flu.
Wednesday, 09/26/01 - 6:46 p.m..

Gosh, what a depressive day!!!

I hate it when we have mass. We had today. I get so fuckin' emotional. Well, to make it worse, like I said before, the guy plays the guitar and sings in the choir. And since I happened to find out that I still love him, it's no good at all. Anyway, I spent the whole day with the Blair Witch hood over my head. I think I had never looked that depressed this year, which really made Carmen worry. Oh, man I was so depressed.

I'll explain it, since it's my journal and I don't want to go to study math (althought I know I must). There's this song they sing in the mass. It reminds me of the time when I made out with the guy and it will always remind me 1st year of high school. Forever. Well, ok, I hate to admit it. I still love him. I love the way he sings. The way he is. I can't believe he's half the reason why I'm depressed. Believe it or not, it's the first time I've experienced this pathetic feeling.

Ok, aside from that, I feel so away from society. Yeah, I know, it's more or less my fault. I know I say I love being alone. But that's just because of the people I deal with. Anyway, sometimes I happen to feel like having some relationship with people. But when I try to make it up to fit in...I'm completely ignored by them. So, I HAD to choose to be alone, 'cause that was the only choice.

The weirdest thing of today...Veronica came up to me. She took me for a walk. I didn't say a word and the black hood remained covering my head. Someone told me I looked like Death itself.

I ran into the guy a lot. I'm sure he saw me. At least, I hope he did. I hope he noticed I was down.

Ok, so I was walking with her, Veronica. But she had to talk with a teacher. Carmen was coming out of a meeting. Veronica forced me to promise her that I wouldn't be alone the rest of the recess (I look at the clock and fuck, there were 20 minutes left to get back to classes). She went to the library and I went to the hall, and just sat on the floor, next to my classroom's door. My head was still covered wit the hood so I could only see feet.

I had never noticed the guy's shoes before. At first I thought it wasn't him. Whatever, he passed me by. And then Carmen sat next to me. I didn't react. I stayed frozen.

A few minutes later, something incredible happens: Veronica comes and sits too. I mean, it was incredible 'cause she and Carmen don't talk anymore. They're divorced, in case I haven't mentioned it before. And I'm the child in the middle. Well, but I hadn't have them both close to me at the same time since...last year, I guess. They actually talked a few words, about a guy. Then Veronica left. Weird. But I wasn't quite impressed. I was jaded the whole day.

I felt jealous though. because the guy is very girl-friendly, so he hangs out and flirts with girls a lot. I saw him going downstairs with a girl, and I thought it was the girl he loves...Oh, Jesus, God, no...what if she...what if she gives him a chance...? But then I saw HER coming upstairs and I felt...kinda relieved. It was another girl who was going with him. Anyway, I had a flash in my head: I'll feel even more miserable when he's got a girlfriend. Yay me.

Two things that reminded me why I hate being with both Carmen and Veronica, whether it's one at a time or at the same time:
a)Carmen's obssessive thought: Everytime I'm sick, it's because of her. Because she's always sick...shyeah, right. Carmen had been sick a few days ago, she saw me sad and I'm sure at first she thought I was like that 'cause I was sick, so she says: "it's my cold, isn't it?"...hell, who told you I'm sick because of you? It's just...she's a bit stupid when it comes to that. Everytime she's sick, she has to remind it to me by telling me that I'll get her cold. "Don't drink from the straw, you'll catch my cold"...I know you have a cold, does it look like I give a fuck? I don't fuckin' care, but...*sigh*, whatever. I don't know if my point is clear. Who cares, anyway.
b)Veronica's obssessive thought: she's always asking me if she's crazy. If I say no, she says: "not even a little bit?"...damn, it's so annoying. No, you're not crazy, honey. You're a bit idiot, that's it. It's like...she feels really special when someone tells her she's crazy. That's her happiness in this world.

Ok, I really needed this. To express myself. I was so quiet today. I had two or ten laughs though. But there's no one I can tell all this. And like the psychologist said today, "all those problems you have make a thick cloud in your head and don't let you see thru, clearly. It's good for you to have them written down". Yay me.

Well, tomorrow's there's YET another math exam. I have to say some crap about Independence day. I have no clue what to say. I'll see what I come up with when I'm in the podium. God, please, help me to help me.

Everything I see is a blur. I'm talking about me. I have to take care of me because no one else will.

prev / next