Saturday, 05/04/02 - 3:19 pm.
A few days ago, I asked Fidel if I should go to the field trip senior high is going to in a couple of weeks. We're going to a small village and a river. And I don't feel like going.
Me: I don't want to go. But I might regret not going later. People always talk about the trip when they come back, how cool it was, "you missed the fun" and shit...
Fidel: You'll always get that reaction. Everything is good after it has already happened. While you're on the trip, you could think it sucks, but after one or two days have passed and you look back, you think it was a great experience. If you go on that trip, it'll look good to you after it's over.
It's a nice observation. I'd noticed that myself, I'd gotten to that conclusion and that's why I asked him for advice. Unfortunately, since he and I share the same thoughts, I ended up just where I started, with some more confusion.
It's sad, but this morning when I went to school, I felt alone again. I sat on the last desk of the last line, and just drowned in isolation. Yeah, ok, I'm the one to blame for isolating myself but it's because I don't think I have another choice. I could try to join a group and the people in it would talk about things they know and I don't, or simply ignore me...and that's not my fucking fault. You can speak, but you can't make people listen to you. Get the point? I hope so.
I have nothing that connects me to people, at least the ones I know. In Julio's office, the most usual topic is movies. I'm not a movie freak, so I can't voice any opinion. They play Uno. I don't play, I don't know their rules (they have their own) so I just stay out of their little world. I love Aerosmith....they don't (they're indifferent), so they don't care about what I say on the subject.
And little by little, boredom has been taking possession of my whole self. Every two or three entries I change my emotional state. No, I'm not quite happy right now. I'm bored and lethargic. I want to be medicated.
I want a change. But a good change in my life. Sometimes I wish something walked in my life and altered the natural course of my routine. I know, life will change when I get out of school...but that's not the kind of change I mean. Like Fidel said, when I look back at these times, I'll think they were good. Because they are, they really are. Still, I'd be ok with some improvement.
I'm reading Seven little australians. If Simeon existed, we'd be like Pip and Judy. They're brother and sister, both around 14, and they're each other's favorite sibling. Only Judy is the opposite to me. I wouldn't be able to travel back home, walking 77 miles. In the first place, my father would never get me into a boarding school, because I'm practically a statue and I don't go screwing up things and bothering people.
I hope I'll find out I'm schizophrenic in a not so far future.
Look...Aerosmith's plane. They had one that belonged to one US president, and they re-named it Aero Force One. Not that you quite care.
This site has an exaggerated amount of tests. I took so many...and still, I don't think any of those results did, do or will help me on anything. They just gave me a pain in the ass.
Lately, I've been dreaming of different kinds of boys. That's awful. I hear the voices in my head laughing at me.
I really have nothing to do now. Not here, not anywhere. I have....shit, you know it already, you know what's on monday. I don't want to study. Because...I don't want to, isn't that enough of a reason?
I was hoping...the unknown boy I dreamed of talking to last night would come and get me out of...this. I'm sure he'd understand. Simeon does. It's hard to understand. People always need an explanation and this can't really be explained. If they can't get it by themselves, no one else can make them get it.
I think I've turned into E. Poe's raven.
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting on the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming...
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