Thursday, 05/09/02 - 8:35 pm.
I got a call from The Guy a few minutes ago. Now, it's really not a big surprise, only I realized something (as you might have realized, I'm always realizing shit).
Of course, the usual warm-up talk, about sex. But then the conversation took a different direction. He'd been talking to Art this afternoon. As I've mentioned, some guys at school present some gay behavior quite often. In my classroom, there's Vic, another Victor, Ricardo, Chris and Art, who practically are the ones who load the enviroment with homosexual pheromones.
Shit, man, if you were with us...we'd make history: we'd be the most outrageous gang (speaking of the whole classroom, the 27 people) with the wildest, most out of control behavior, Art told him. I wish we were 28 people. I wish he was with us.
So the conversation went on. About Ricky's love letters to Norman and Rod (the last one I saw, was the drawing of two girls, and a message below: Rod and I), about the boys (the ones above mentioned) throwing kisses and imaginary arrows -like Cupid, with dreamy, girly eyes- to each other. Yeah....I do wish we were 28 people, and I wish he was the 28th. Well, actually, he'd the first one, because his last name starts with A, and we're listed in alphabetical order.
I got chills at a certain point, when he quoted Art: if you were with us...he said it very casually, like any part of the conversation. Of course, I'm assuming he's already used to the idea he's still a junior. But I don't like to talk about it, and never bring it up to the conversation when I'm telling him something about the crowd. I hate to think that, deep inside, he's suffering because he's missing one year of his life, or maybe I should say he's repeating it, and he's missing the great time with his crowd.
And here's what I realized: I always went to the extreme on this relationship. It was either to be close to him or to get away and forget about him, but never a decent distance, never a normal friendship, only kind of overloaded with sexual innuendo. And I think that's been my big mistake: always going for all or nothing with him, without stopping and noticing that this wasn't the way our relationship had to be (despite the way it started). It wasn't all or nothing...it was just friendship. It wasn't supposed to be a gamble, it wasn't a game, let alone a love game.
Today's conversation was just so...natural. Between friends. Not the closest friends, but friends. I don't know if I still love him...I still love watching him, I still get jealous when I see him with some girl, I still feel funny when he's close...but that's not the point. The point is I wish he was with us. Because he should. And sometimes I wished I'd have pushed myself harder to make him listen to me and let me help him. Maybe that way things could have worked out and things would be in they proper place.
I hate regret. I hate all those things that bring regret.
********************************
- Me: so tell me...if you were in my conditions: would you go?
- Fidel: Hahahaha......no. I'm gonna be honest: I get bored on those trips, ok?. Maybe you come from a different background and if you want to go, just go. Maybe I'm just antisocial, but I wouldn't go. I'm not made for that....big trips with masses of people, going to some place to do nothing and walk up a mountain...Let people tell you how great those moments were, now that they're just looking back at them rather than living them. Ask them to show you their photographs.
That's Fidel's advice and a bit of his personal experience. No, I don't come from a different background, and even if he hadn't told me that, I'm sure if someone would have asked me the same question in 20 years from now, I'd have replied the same thing.
I'm not going. People beg me to go. But being there, it's all about your little group. I know I'd be alone or be stuck with people I'm not comfortable with, just because aw, don't be alone, come with us. I try to imagine every phase of the trip, based on my experience...it's exciting at first, riding on the bus, putting my hedphones on, but then....My last trip, to the theater, was pretty dull. That was the day I kept quiet for almost 8 hours, because I didn't have anyone to talk to. And I'm really not thrilled about the whole thing. I love the crowd, the crowd loves me, but we just don't fit.
No, sorry, crowd. I'm not going.
I told Vic and he only said I'm going to miss you, Tyler.
********************************
- Fidel: hasn't it happened to you? you have a great, close relationship with someone, but at a certain point...you realize one day you'll have to let that person go, so you start getting away from that person, thinking that if you begin working on that in the present, when you say good-bye to her it'll hurt less. You try to break the bond.
-Me: yeah, that happens to me and the crowd (the prom). I don't know if I should enjoy the moment with them or start getting the idea that I'll stop seeing them and start to get away from them and maybe get less hurt when the time comes....why? Is it Nayda?
- Fidel: yes. I know I'll see her next year. But then we won't see each other. We're very close and we're together most of the time. I'm thinking maybe I should start to break the bond. There's something weird about our friendship, I can't quite put my finger on it...
- Me: is it....too perfect?
- Fidel: .....Exactly!!! That's it. Too perfect.
Don't break the bond, Fidel. Just make it less thight.
********************************
That's so typical of you...everybody worried, with the english books in their hands, studying, and you doing any other thing.
Yeah. Cel hit the nail. I don't worry about english. On the other hand, I failed the computer science exam. Terrible. Nothing worked on my computer.
********************************
If it wasn't for my Obese Girl, I would've walked all the way to the bookstore just to find out the science books were not being sold there. Instead, since I asked her to keep me company, she mentioned that the books were not being sold at the school bookstore anymore, but at the administration office. I don't know what I'd do without you, Obese.
She also tried to convince me to go to the trip, I'll be with you. I don't doubt it, girl. But I know she's got her gang, and I can't keep her away from them, neither can I be with them. Anyway, she's coming over on tuesday. I'll get to spend a lot of time with her. She listens to me.
- Me: Obese, you make me feel appreciated
- Obese Girl (*grinning*) awww, you're so cute.
********************************
Speaking of friendships, Veronica was crying today. She does it every day, and I notice everyday. I notice she's always talking to someone, she's always heard. She's surrounded by people. And it's like she wants me to be part of that. This morning, she stood next to me, holding my arm. I felt (I didn't even turn my head) she was crying, or about to. At some moment, I said I'd be right back. But I wasn't. I don't understand. And honestly, I don't feel like listening to Icanexplains.
********************************