Thoughts of a collective "unsocial" individual about the individual "social" collectivity..
Sunday, 09/30/01 - 11:29 a.m..

The crisis is over.

God, I can't believe what I wrote yesterday...well, how I wrote yesterday. I was acting like such a...teeny bopper. I feel so untrue to myself and my personalities...except to my-teebopper-self. I'm sorry about it.

Ok, I'm a bit tired of writing about my external life. I mean, it's cool but I need some time for me...and my other me's. So...I'll say something that occurred yesterday night somewhere in my left half brain. We all sat down and started talking to my-inlove- and teeny-bopper-selves. They can't fuckin' screw our happiness by thinking that the guy is going to love me (I mean me, the core of this collective individual). He's just in for the hormones and probably he'll stand me up this thursday. You both cut the crap and get a fuckin' grip!!!!...it was tough, but it's better to prevent. But it's not that bad. I, happening to not be a real teeny-bopper, understand the importance of accepting every side people have. So, I understand, accept and respect that I have a teeny-bopper side, and that if it's used with responsabilty, it won't bring any problems. I guess everybody has its sides.

Like when someone says: "hey, what's up with you, you're acting weird". Everybody has their days and their moods, that bring out different personalities...that's my conclusion after watching people without getting involved with them.

As a matter of fact, we all happen to be a bit schizophrenic...so look for the new six-pack prozac in a supermarket near by you soon.

I was remembering what my friend and language teacher, Fidel, told me once..."you've learned to assume your lonelinness"..for the way he said it, I think that's a good thing. He said: "you're not antisocial but asocial"...I guess he meant...I can't explain what he meant. But I can see the difference between both concepts. I've tried to be "social" withouth falling into their shallowness and stupidity. Hey, I'm sorry, but the people I deal with (most of them) are terribly shallow and stupid, yet they think they're the big shit. Well, me as a "100% social being" is not happening. I know people. I hang out with people. I laugh with people. I have "friends", but no real friends...I mean, someone who totally understands me, who totally supports me, who is always there for me just like I'd be, who I love to hang out with all the time...isn't happening either. One friend would be enough. I see the group of friends at school...they all talk at the same time and no one is really listening. This is what I've seen so far, in the most well-known groups:

a) boys: they're always laughing, insulting each other in a friendly way, making plans to get drunk...they're never alone when they're happy. When they're sad, you'll see one or two of that huge group. They talk a lot about sex and women. I suppose most of them are not virgin anymore. They listen to stupid rock noise (that's not music) in which you only hear people screaming instead of singing. The ones who are single, want a woman really bad. They're tough and are always beating each other up. They don't study and blame teachers and parents for being so hard and such motherfuckers. Very clever.

b) girls: They go to the restroom in group (I'm sorry, but I still don't understand that..I don't need to go with anybody and I'm still one happy gototherestroom'er). They gossip in and outside of it. They scream for every little fuckin' creature. They like every "in" song. They have stupid fights over Brad Pitt and other good-looking impossible-to-reach guys. They talk a lot about boys. They go to parties to meet guys and get boyfriends. They gossip about other schools. They eat you alive if you do something they don't like. They exchange clothes. They don't talk about sex, but I could swear most of them are not virgin. They don't study and blame teachers and parents for being so hard and such motherfuckers. So smart.

And many, many other things. They live off in their own reality...I guess my "own little world" happens to be reality, after all.

Now, not that I'm not really a nerd but I know when to do what. I study enough to get a decent grade...the verb "study" in an affirmative sentence makes me a nerd for everybody else. I know people enough to choose the ones that I know are suitable for me. I guess that's why I hang out alone. Is it that I'm too picky? Am I the problem? Is it that my problem is ME? I don't know, but right now I feel with a lot of self-esteem and I'm not willing to blame myself and spoil it. So I'll stop here to study math. Tomorrow it's my exam. Yeah, I hate math. But it's fun when you understand and work it all out.

Wait....is it too much self-esteem or common sense? If I had a real friend, he or she'd say...I don't know. Simeon says both. You name it.

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