Unstable stability or stable unstability?
Wednesday, 10/03/01 - 6:07 p.m..

Yes, I feel pathetic.

Tomorrow is my last exam. Well, I have another on friday but it's english...I think I've practiced enough. So, I'm almost free, ready to get the "last sprint". 26 more days of school, and if I don't screw up like last year, I'll have a happy, nice summer, with no summer school.

Well, Fidel took me out in the 3rd period. We drank coffee and talked some about people. Interesting...but nothing I haven't said here. He and I agreed we're both loners. It's better that than having just a group personality. Like the Society, the Almighty Society, where everyone is popular, good-looking, shallow and idiotic....and likes to fuck (well, most of the members). He showed me the exams of the two "leaders"...1 out of 10...way to go, kids. Plus, in each exam, there was a nice piece of paper with "answers"...wrong ones, by the way. They copied the wrong questions. Way to go, kids.

It was a nice conversation with such a nice friend. Now, that is a friend. He listens to me. I listen to him. We share our thoughts. We're friends. We kept talking about this society...most of them are very smart, but they just follow the leaders (the stupid ones)...so, they're very smart and at the same time not smart enough to think by themselves. We got to the conclusion that these guys have a personality as a group but not as individuals. That's lame. So, go us, loners. Althought...yeah, you can always use some good-taste company, if you're lucky enough to find one.

I haven't been with Carmen. Now she's the one that runs away from me. At least now I don't have to move. As for Veronica, she's a hypocrite. Fidel says that as soon as she breaks up with Clown, she'll come cryin' to the ones she (thinks) are waiting for her with arms wide open, to support her...should I do that? Wait for her and be there for her? After she's turned her back on me these past four years, and after we'd been great friends for 6 more years? I guess I should not. That wouldn't be fair. Plus, I don't consider her my friend anymore. I've suffered a lot. And she always does the same. She puts me aside and goes with someone else...she loses that someone and comes back to me, and here I am, trying to be a great friend...then she does it again...It'll fuckin' stop. Do not trust people. Not 100%.

And here's the reason why I'm feeling so pathetic. Yesterday, the guy called. Yeah, he called me. Hotline talking, his hormonal fantasies. He said I make him happy. He said he wanted me. Twice. So, ummm...yay. I thought we were getting closer and I thought that maybe today he'd walk me to the school bus, when school was over.

Pavlov's experiment happened, as usual, at 12:30 and I saw him walking in the hall...the opposite way. Ok, he's staying. I forgot about him and left kind of disappointed (yeah, that's a contradiction...let's say, I tried to forget about him, but left very disappointed...that's what you get for fooling your feelings, making them believe something that you somehow know is not true).

I was hoping we'd talk and maybe he'd try to make a little physical contact before I took my bus. Nope. I arrived home and I was just changing my uniform when he called. Oh, man. Again, his dirty talking. Which I'm starting to be indifferent to. He talks and I'm doing something else, without paying attention. That's not what I want from him...or at least, not all. Well, it was my "turn" to talk. I said some things and it goes like this...

- Him: I don't like that...
- Me:: Don't you? See what happens when I have a lot of academic assignments (The "I can't masturbate today" excuse for today: I have to study and I won't focus on masturbation until I'm done with school shit...yeah, the son of a bitch wants to hear me. I just pretend.)?
- Him: ok, call me when you have something good.
- Me: ok, bye (*jaw drops, faking a calmed voice but feeling her heart breaking into little pieces*)...
- Him: bye *hangs up* Should I call him back?, I asked myself....Shouldn't I?...What does he mean by "that's not good"?...I won't call him back, he can call me whenever he wants...I don't know if you're following me on this, but I got really confused and sad about this episode.

It's pathetic when you try your best and you just don't make it with that person. How do you feel when the one you love tells you "you suck at it"?...specially if that 'it' is the only reason that keeps you and that person together. I wanted to cry after we hang up. I wanted to cry yesterday when we hung up. I cried a little...but I didn't have tears, my eyes just got kind of like...watery. I couldn't cry. I had to study. I can't cry now. I have to study.

The most pathetic part is...I called him back. I made up a fantasy for him, even with a Victoria's Secret mention (I'm so cheap). He seemed to like it. After I finished, I said "ok, get back to study"...I was sort of joking...but we hung up. Then I was like "was it good that I had to crawl and humilliate myself just to make him happy?" I shouldn't have done it, I know. But that's love. I want him to notice me everytime we walk by. I want him to know that I have a brain, too (I do, right?...fuck, here comes low self-esteem...yeah, I fuckin' do!) That's fuckin' love. Everybody wants to feel it, but have not a damn clue what they're getting into.

Ok, it's not one's fault, let's be fair. I didn't choose to love him. Yet I seem to choose not letting him go. Which is making this all even more pathetic, so I'll go to study now.

I have noticed...I'm feeling a lack of the word "fuck" lately. I'm not that happy. I've proved myself that I...I actually dare to sale my soul for a few seconds of happiness and stability, just to get days, weeks, months, even years of regret. I want.....I want to know what I really want and what to do to make it. I do know something that I want...but I know that is not happening.

Tell me what it takes, to let you go
Tell me how's the pain's supposed to go...


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