I'm not gonna fade...
Wednesday, 06/05/02 - 6:35 pm.

You know, as I saw june 5th approaching, I thought I'd make one E! true Hollywood story entry about how I met The Guy and the things that happened.

But...since life is kind of unpredictable, this "anniversary" was one of the last things on my mind today.

Yet I guess I could mention that I'll always remember the morning I woke up, after a night of 10 wild minutes of hands all over. I had touched his package (excuse me for saying this kind of things, I'm usually not that way - *cough*never been given the chance*cough*). And I was still in shock in the morning...not disgusted, just in shock. And Holy Shit, what do I see for breakfast...sausages. All over the 6 tables. Long sausages. Needless to say, I didn't eat.

Aaanyway....we'll have to leave those memories for any other day. I saw him a couple of times today but...blah.

I was very depressed this morning. The voices in my head are louder than ever (I can't even study, there's always something going on inside of my head). And they kept telling me that I was a bad, bad person. Sarcasm, yo. Making fun of Queen Veronica and her dramas. But despite it was all against her, I cried. Because that's how I was feeling....because I just know she's thinking that about me, not because I am.

During science class, I laid my head on the desk, and for once this year, I sat properly. Vic noticed, because I usually sit as if the desk was a chair (resting my arm on the desk, as if it was one of the arms of it), so I can talk to him, and I can rest my back on the wall (the line of desks I'm sitting in is next to the wall). Tyler, what's wrong?. He was worried. And I cried harder, because I couldn't tell him. I couldn't because I would've bursted in tears, and I'm embarrased to cry in public. But he was worried, and asked me to tell him. I promised I'd tell him as soon as I calmed down.

After science class, it was the second recess. What I'd been waiting since yesterday: the soccer match. I arrived to the field with the whole Gang and I sat on the benches. They started warming up. THE CROWD AND SOCCER, HUH?!, Pereira yelled at me. A guy nicknamed Little big Badtz arrived later, and glanced at me: the first fan, eh? You are our number one fan. But before you know it, the whole crowd will be here. I hope not. That's my little, warm, secure spot. Watching the Gang play and screw up.

The Guy didn't play this time, but honestly, I didn't care. It was so damn funny. Dany's shoes don't have laces, so they'd fly out from his feet one too many times. One time, one of his shoes landed on QB's head. I loved that match, it cracked me up. The crowd that believes everything they see on the World Cup....I'm going tomorrow again, for sure. That sort of reminds me of the lame Nickelodeon show Renford Renegades (or something like that).

And it cheered me up. I felt so much better. I wasn't the happiest person in the world, but I was kind of happy. I drew Vic. He loved the drawing, and even asked me to do another one. We were on science class again (on wednesday we have two, with the 30 minutes recess in between) and we all asked Charlie to give us the period off. He did, only we didn't have to talk. 45 minutes of silence. But we could still have writen conversations. Anyway...Vic said that he'll buy my comic books. He's a sweetie.

With all that, I was sort of recovered. Like when you are bleeding but you have things that distract you from the pain...err, you get the idea. I had the wound, feeling raw, but I had a band-aid.

My Obese Girl said she was going to the mall during lunch. Now, Mingo (last year science teacher) had told me he'd seen a little Aerosmith book there. I asked Obese Girl if she could do me the huge favor of buying it for me. Betty was going with her, so I gave them the money. Only I really wasn't expecting them to come up to me before the afternoon classes and tell me "we got it!!!". But I thought it'd be worth a shot. THEY FOUND IT!!!!!!! I ran up to Betty, jumped on her, hugged her, said thank you and grabbed the little book. $7, just a small pocket phamplet, with already-seen pics, and things I know by hearth. But, yo....IT'S FUCKIN' AEROSMITH!!!! Vic and Pablo called me and I showed them the book, very excited.

After lunch, it was philosophy class. It's actually pretty interesting, with all those philosophers and their theories about how to be happy and such. I don't know why, but everybody in my classroom seemed happy. Besides, Hector...well, let's just say he gets excited when he's teaching. And we all laugh at him (in a good way, he makes us laugh).

My parental units picked me up, and we went to the mall. Supposedly to get the book (that I already had). I hate the mall, because you see how pathetic the masses are, but they told me to go and have some snack. Guess what I had? APPLE PIE!!! 'cause we love apple pie (it's a quote from Steven Tyler, only it was "The Chilli Peppers", not "Apple pie"...but it sounds good either way). You know what I say about Apple Pie...it's great for my emotional growth. Another thing that made me believe something was taking care of me. It comforted me.

Then dad asked me if I wanted to buy a CD or something. Well...yes. Remember the "CDs-are-a-distraction" incident?. So I finally got to buy one. I was looking for The Strokes, but they didn't have it (what the fuck?). I thought of getting the Gorillaz CD...and I stumbled upon Alanis. Yeah...the CD I wanted to buy. "Supposed former..."? Nah. "Unplugged"? Heck, no....then I found it..."Jagged Little Pill".

After I got it, we went to the bookstore, I felt like buying a book. It's been some time since I've read a book. I looked for The Three Muskeeters (can you fuckin' believe I haven't read it?) but it was nowhere to be found. Oh, well, next time. By the way, I discovered I love bookstores. I should drop by more often.

And that was my day. Everytime I found a reason to smile, I thought that maybe today I wasn't supposed to break down and cry. I'm hurt, because I am fuckin' hurt...but there was always something or someone helping me out...

Only two things are worrying me at the moment...
#1 - I'm hungry...but it's not normal. I've been hungry the whole day, and I've eaten much more than the usual. I have this feeling of being sucked from the inside of my stomach, as if I hadn't eaten in 6 hours. I ate so much apple pie that I thought I'd throw up...but less than two hours later, I feel like I haven't eaten in one entire morning.
#2 - The voices in my head. I can't concentrate on studying. I couldn't study yesterday. I'd hear songs, past conversations, things about Veronica...

All in all...I had a great day. Despite how crappy things are, my day was great. And I have the perspective of a rainy night, reading my new Aerosmith book, listening to Alanis.

I love Aerosmith. Only sometimes you need to talk to someone of your gender....a girl talk. Hearing an angry girl, as pissed off as I am, talking about things I can relate to, about pain, about suffering because of someone else, about being let down by "that" person...she made me feel stronger.

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
.

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