Of pidgeons and the relativity of one's appreciation of people.
Friday, 06/14/02 - 10:59 am.

Last night, the moon was....beautiful. It wasn't full. 75% of it was in the dark. But below it, there was a bright star. The sky was dark blue, so it was easy to see the full circle, and everything you can see when it's full.

It's like its smiling, my mom said. And I...saw him. It was Simeon. Simeon was smiling down on me. And thanks to the plants stuck to the wall, it seemed as if it he was hiding the rest of his body. And his heart was a star. I had to go to my bedroom and cry, because...it can't be described. I was amazed. Maybe it's just my paranoia, but it was a nice feeling.

But when I was in my room, I don't know why, I started to think of bad stuff. The things I read in the newspapers. How impotent you feel when you're attacked by more than one person (no, I haven't been. But it's terrifying). How I wish I had someone I could call up to share Simeon's smile. How I've always been ignored. I realized being ignored has been a huge part in my life.

Anyway...by this day, I'm already sick of studying everyday. But tomorrow is my last exam. Literature and english were easy. And after tomorrow....we're taking next week off. That's right, one week of no school. Because teachers take some courses to improve their teaching skills...or something like that. We all suppose they just party but I couldn't tell for sure. As long as they leave us alone for one week, with no homework, they can do what they want. Ssssshhhh....did you hear? The voices in my head were clapping.

Remember the bird? He's doing just fine. Last night I went to check on him, and he was trying to get out of the "nest" Rose has made for him (with one of Frog's disposable bowls and some small blankets). He chirps a lot. And he's alive, something that rarely happens. Here it's very common to find baby and/or injuried pidgeons. Unfortunately, it's also very common that they die a couple of days after they've been found. I've only gotten to save one. I remember I released it when it was healed. I held it in my hands, and then I just opened them. It was great to see it fly. I thought it wouldn't be able to do it again. Then I've found many in my life, some dead, some in agony. I've seen birds build nests in our garden, and I've seen how black birds steal the eggs. I've seen some other hatch, and I've noticed that then the birds have disappear. Something (a cat?) eats them at night. You kind of get used to all this. You learn how to feed them, and when to know they've eaten enough, how to keep them warm....it's like those real life vet shows on Animal Planet.

So I saw him struggle. He's been here for maybe five days, and when Rose picked him up, he had no feathers. Now he does. He stretches his wings. Actually, it wasn't Rose who found him. Our neighbors did. But since they saw him in agony, they thought of letting him die. And since they're stupid, they decided they would. The ants will eat him, or he'll die freezing (it wasn't quite a cold day, but for fuck's sake, he didn't have feathers), the dog can eat it, he'll die of pain, whatever. But Rose said she'd keep it. She took him and let the sun rays hit him for a while, and it seemed he came back to life. Then she fed him, gave him water and made the nest. One of his legs is deformed but I believe everything will be ok. We'll release him as soon as he can fly. Most likely, he'll run away when we're not looking. Oh, the miracle of life.

Aaaaawwwwww (*tear in left eye*).

After the exams, I ran to Cel and told her about the moon. Did you see it, too!?! Art and I were staring at it, it was beautiful!!!. See, she always knows what I'm talking now. I told her about Simeon and she reacted just like I expected she'd react. And the she said: You've made me day. I saw you running up to me and you tell me about the moon, that's so sweet. She's very "sweetable", you realize.

I hung out with her and the whole gang while waiting for my dad to pick me up. I told Elsy about the moon, too. While I was with her, her friend Claudia told me her story about my dad's poem. When Elsy came, I gave her a copy of my dad's last book. She likes poetry and he's a poet so hell, why not? She loved it and showed it to her girlfriends ("society girls"). One of them, Claudia, loved one in particular, and dedicated it to her boyfriend. So what she told me today is that one of these days, she was with her boyfriend at school and saw my dad, and told his boy: that's the man who wrote the poem I dedicated to you. It was a nice compliment.

Elsy's friends are very nice. I know, "society girls" and such but...they're not bad. Marcela always, always smiles and waves at me (probably the one who never ignores me when we cross paths). Claudia is a bit shallow, hypocrite and all that, but she's a nice person to me. Elsy...one of the nicest people I know...and so on. We're going out on saturday, right?, Elsy asked before she left. Um...yeah. When I'm legal. She frowned and smiled at the same time. Hey, it'll be soon. She wants me to go out with her and party (not get drunk and all that shit -she doesn't drink "and all that shit"-, just hang out in hip places). But you know...I party my own way.

Cel looked at me impressed, like saying: do you get along with them?. Cel and those girls had some problems and stopped talking to each other (I've heard). Yeah, it's weird, me with the most popular people in school. It's true...I mean, you're friends with everybody, she said. I stayed with the Gang until my dad picked me up. And it's just the greatest feeling when the people you like so much pay attention to what you say, and you can entertain them just by being yourself.

So I came home smiling. As the opposite to Veronica, I am the center of the universe....No, seriously...at least most people like me and think I'm nice (Tranvestite Skeleton does not count). Veronica's gained a lot of enemies because of her screw-others behavior. And despite I'm often feeling terribly alone, I do get along with most people.

The people that make me feel good is the same people that I'd rejected (secretly) in the past, because of previous labels. Veronica is always dissing them. Of course they have their flaws, sometimes they get drunk and shit...I don't agree with some things they do. But they're much more than that. And I'm friends with their "much more than that". They're always willing to help. The Gang...some members invest every vacation on participating in jesuit activities: they go to communities out of the city and help them build houses and such. They say jesuits are gay (half joking, half serious) but they have that "spirit of service" some religious people only preach about.

Also, before I left school...must've been my imagination, but I saw Sophie talking to Veronica. Of course, you could tell from miles away that Veronica was crying. I want to destroy her face with my fists, I said once to Cel. Kind of like "fight club", she answered. She always comes up with the right comment. Um, yeah. Kind of. In fact, losing all hope was freedom pretty much applies now. I've lost hope of straightening things with her. And I feel free, I don't have that urge, I don't feel obligated to come up and tell her "please, give me a chance, let's talk, let's fix our friendship". I don't want to anymore. I don't like her anymore. I don't feel hateful right now, though. And don't even get me started.

Gosh, isn't he beatiful? Hey, he IS. It's classic 70's style.

I saw The Guy. He was worried. I heard him say something about him needing 10 to pass some subject. I'm sorry for you, dude. Sometimes I wish I could come up to him, push him and yell at him: I COULD'VE HELPED YOU, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ME?! I COULD'VE HELPED YOU!!!. But I most likely never will. If he prefered to refuse my help and have me just as a sexual thing to force himself to eyaculate, that's his choice. He could be in senior high right now, like the rest of us. But no...there's something about me that makes him go "no, I don't want your help, thankyouanyway". He hasn't called since that day. Thank you, anyway.

It's time to study for Charlie's exam. Hey, you know...I made a drawing. I was going to call him Mr. Gentleman, but deep down the drawing and I knew he was drawn to be named Fidel. Because the drawing sort of looked like him, so I gave it to him. And my sister gave me a book called my sister wants to be a mermaid. And Simeon says I'd better shut up now and go do something more productive.

prev / next