Monday, 06/17/02 - 4:47 pm.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't want to sit here and type. Not right now. I want something to happen. But I know nothing will. And it seems I'm not able to make something interesting happen.
I'm bored now. I need something. I want to do something. In the morning I put on Aerosmith's Draw The Line and drew the album cover for Vic. He's not a big fan of Aerosmith's, but he asked me to. I'm his personal cartoonist, he says.
I hate pop-up ads. I hate pop-up ads. I hate pop-up ads. I hate pop-up ads.
I was so bored I fucked up the computer. I erased something and now the folders are messed up. The cookies are fuckin' messed up. I'll get used to see them that way.
I hate everything. I'm annoyed, I'm bored, I'm pissed off. Nothing moves me, no one moves me. I want to yell at someone, I want to break something. I want to get out, I want to hurt myself.
I hate it when Frog starts barking, screaming, all of a sudden. She just did and I yelled at her so loud she shut up and looked at me scared. I wished I'd have hurt my throat some more. But yeah, I let her out. That's what she wanted.
I hate online tests. I hate it when my Favorites are not sorted the way I left them. I hate it when my computer is slowing down. I hate it when I see on Rock On TV that a show featuring Aerosmith will air and I don't have that damn channel.
I hate it when there's no way to take the anger out. I hate it when I have reasons to cry and I don't. I hate it when I'm forced to remember things that have deformed my heart. I hate it when I can't think of anything worth to do while I'm on vacation. I hate going to school and having no time off. I hate wasting my time off wondering what to do.
I hate having this stupid thought of having to call the guy because the poor dude must've thought I don't want to talk to him anymore. I love knowing that I don't care about that.
I hate going to parties. I hate being surrounded by people. I hate not having a friend. I hate the fact that Simeon wasn't born. I hate it when the phone rings. I hate it when the phone rings AND someone is at the door.
I hate having something I want denied. I hate being influenced by people. I hate being ignored, although by now I should be used to it. I hate it when everyone seems to shut their ears when I open my heart.
I hate dumb people. I hate abusers. I hate torturers. I hate attempts of human. I hate selfish people. I hate Veronica, and I pity her. I hate it when good people suffer, I don't fuckin' care if that means they'll be in Heaven when they die. I hate it when I lose a diaryland entry.
I hate everything. I sort of hate my life. It's too square. I hate the fact that I don't know how to change that.
I hate feeling alone. I hate being alone when there's people around. I hate my classmates. I hate the whole school. I hate every student in evey school. I hate being pushed aside. I hate people who don't listen.
I hate the idea of having to get back to my bedroom and lock myself up because that's the only thing I can do here. I hate losing time online. I hate losing time in front of the TV.
I hate it when someone scares me. I hate it when my mom asks me what I'm writing. I hate not being able to change absolutely anything that happened in the past, simply because I can't. I hate not finding a way out, like Truman Burbank did.
I hate it when the harm is done and justice is useless. I hate knowing everything is fake. I hate knowing that this hate will pretty much wear off and I'll be a happy person, hiding anger and living in denial in public.
I hate crying just for myself. I hate being hurt and not saying anything. I hate hitting myself when I'm already angry.
I hate having so many things to hate and not being able to do something about them. I hate having fucked up something, knowing that no matter how sorry or forgiven I am, I can't fix it nor get back in time and prevent it.
I hate hating. I feel impotent.