Yes, I've realized that for quite some time now.
Thursday, 06/20/02 - 11:30 pm.

So....no, it wasn't that bad.

I had a crappy day though. Rose's son was sick so she came home late. My 6-year-old nephew was home the whole day and yes, I was the babysitter. There's some water crisis so I had to fill every damn bowl in the house, because we won't have that service tomorrow (3rd world country issues, eh?)...meanwhile, I had to put up with my nephiew, Wires, the damn family parrot, the phone, housework and a guy who was at the door to be paid some bills. It was 9:00 a.m. and I already had a fuckin' headache and I regreted getting out of bed.

Wires is the pidgeon, in case you're wondering. I really don't feel like explaining why I named him that way. But hey, with a dog named Frog, a parrot named Hannibal and a cactus named Spiderman, that was bound to happen.

Anyway...Carmen arrived when I was finishing my neat nap. It was such a lovely wheather to go to sleep. She arrived, we talked shit...nothing interesting. She told me about her adventures with her gang (Fo, Norman, Phil....)...yeah, I just listened. I don't like trying to have conversations with her, it's useless.

We ended up making drawings of some of our classmates. We're the cartoonists of the yearbook. Which for me is kind of sad, since I can't draw. But I swallow the embarrasment, whatever. Carmen says I have "something". Unfortunately, is not "all". At least I made her laugh. She said I'm wicked and cruel but she loved my ideas. Hey, in a cartoon based on a person, you're supposed to make their personal features pop up and hit you in the face. That's all I did. It's just sad what the people's features are. No, wait, it's not sad...it's hilarious.

The only thing that pissed me off is that she kept saying that she was oh, so antisocial, unknown to people, blah, blah, blah....when just a few hours ago she'd been telling me her adventures with her gang, her friends. Yeah, ok...I know she's not very well known (as in "popular"), but she does have a couple of friends, at least she has a gang to hang out with. I was going to tell her that, and another few things, but I chose to keep quiet. She's just so blind and deaf. She can't see beyond herself. No offense, sometimes she's just like Veronica. *sigh* all in all...it all went ok.

Speaking of classmates...I get to draw the guy for the yearbook. Yes, he's a junior but he's still part of us. I still wonder if I should call him, just to check on him. I remembered him today and I kind of...felt like I was going backwards on my "get over and move on" therapy. But no...it's just that I need someone to cling to, it doesn't mean I still love him. I do need someone but I doubt that person exists. I believe I just hung on to this relationship because sometimes he made me feel wanted and loved. Yeah, ok, I won't go deeper.

I really don't want to go back to school. I really don't. I have no purposes. I have no goals. Nothing. NO-THING, you hear? It's a terrible feeling that blows off your will to live. I wrote to God, asking him to give me a meaning...but it seems he's not very e-mail friendly and he hates attachments. Every catholic says that in the end you notice He did have everything calculated, and it's amazing the way everything works out. Yes, hope and faith. But fuck, I wish He'd let me...I don't know, if He just gave me a small clue. Oh, don't fuckin' tell me I must've been shown one already or I'm gonna be really pissed off about missing it. Honestly...I don't see why I should carry on. I'm getting tired of going nowhere. Dead serious. And the future doesn't look bright. Some people want to kill themselves because of the past, because of all those terrible things that happened to them, and because of all the horrible people they crossed paths with. I guess there are other shallow reasons to commit suicide.

....I'll go to bed. Reading on the bulletin boards about the new Aerosmith tour dates and the happy people who already got their tickets just makes me feel worse. I really don't know where they're playing though, I don't check out the dates, don't know, don't care about finding out...for me that's pointless, you realize.

Say good-night to Simeon, Frog, Wires and Spiderman. Fuck, with names like those, I should start thinking about my own name. They're my sweet, little, dysfunctional family.

I was a young man whose intentions were good
Kept my hands in my pockets the way that I should
I soon found out they got a mind of their own
Begginin' to think I had a heart made of stone
(....)
I try to remember, I try to forget
I'll keep my promise, is that what I said?
I had your number but I didn't call
I've got no excuse, I've got my back to the walls...
.

I keep falling off.

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