Sunday, 03/27/05 - 10:15 pm.
I was talking to Joseph on the phone, just now. Suddenly, I started to cry. He'd upset me previously, although in all honesty I don't think it was something to be taken seriously. Anyway, we were having a light conversation when I started to cry. He didn't hear, but I was wiping off my tears.
I thought of telling him, but he'd have asked "why?" and the truth is I don't know. I wanted to ask him if he loved me the same, but I was afraid to. He's right when he says I'm a coward, he's right about everything he says about me. It's just that lately I've been feeling like all he does is rub my flaws in my face. They're true, and they're MANY, so it really hurt. And if I told him this, he'd say tell me all those times I've made you feel bad, and I wouldn't be able to think of a single example. And so I'd also come off like a silly girl who makes up stuff and supposes too much.
After all these months, I'm fear I'm not the one for Joseph. I'm too...low. He's too good for me in many levels.
My brother Alan is leaving for El Paso tomorrow morning. That doesn't make me happy, either. He just gave me $40. He always gives me money, and I'm sort of embarrased to take it. Here, for your savings, he said. "Oh, no, I can't...", I started to say. Alright, don't save it, then. Tangent: we went for lunch today, and a funny clown came to our table and made us laugh really hard. I loved what a witty extrovert he was *sigh*
I really feel like blowing my brains out right now.
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