A second chance.
Monday, 04/04/05 - 11:40 pm.

Allow me to begin saying that I'm learning to play Wilbury Twist on guitar. It's a damn good tune, I tell you.

For the first time in my life, I went to the university library to actually get a book. It was a quick procedure, but I am so lame that I was very nervous and afraid of making a mistake at check-out.

But being there was part of my plan, the plan I'd made to avoid thinking of Joseph. My day had been planned carefully: be at the campus, get the book, read it, buy a cold capuccino and sit on my spot, go to class and stay there.

I wasn't counting on running into Joseph in the middle of the hallway. I was minding my own bussiness when he came around the corner with his former coworker (he quit his job, again). We kissed on the cheek and he said I'll be with you right away. From previous experiences, I gathered that that could very well not happen. So I went out of the campus, to the coffeehouse, to buy me a cold capuccino.

I came back into the campus, sat on a bench -while the sunlight moved from my spot-, and started to read the book (six walks in the fictional woods, if you must know). Carmen showed up, and we talked for a while. It's kind of neat to share a class with her, you know? Suddenly Joseph showed up, and she kindly said goodbye and left us.

These past weeks it's been me complaining, talking about how hurt I am and how unfair Joseph's been to me. But as soon as he sat next to me, and looked at me...I could only feel the urge to put my arms around him. You look beautiful today, he said. And the way he was looking at me didn't seem to mean that he was going to break up. Or say anything, for that matter.

- Joseph: do you love me?
- Me: yes...[after hesitating]...do you love me?
- Joseph: yes.

I couldn't help staring at him the whole time. He kept asking "what", and saying he didn't know what I meant with that look and tha scared him. I kept replying "nothing", and all I could do was hold him and rest my head on his back. Then we kissed, several times. Or we tried to, because he kept tilting our heads to avoid our lips meeting. It must've looked disgustingly romantic, but to me nothing existed except him.

I'll give you a tip with me, he said. Be more impulsive. Don't call and be all soft, like 'hi, are you busy? ok, I will call you tomorrow', no. It has to be 'hey, let's go some place, right now', and you'll have me there. It always upsets me at first, "you're trying to change me, you want me to be something I can't be". Can't I be, really? That works for him, it's what turns him on, if you will. And it's something I could benefit from, too, right? I mean, being impulsive sometimes. If you're impulsive, you dare to do stuff in the spur of the moment, before it's too late.

In retrospective, all these months, he hasn't been as mean as I considered he was. Sure, he was a jerk sometimes, and I still have one or two things to complain about. Like I always said, he's got all the right to demand a few things from me, as his girlfriend, just like it happens the other way around. I just didn't like some of his ways of demanding....considering we're quite different on many levels, even opposite.

I told him I was afraid he'd come to break up with me. When I was walking into the campus, I realized I was wearing the shirt I wore when we became a couple, on a monday. For some reason, I thought things would come full circle, and he'd break up with me, wearing that shirt, today, on a monday. But it seems this all had the opposite effect. I was going to break up with you, several times...but there was always something coming up. Even my mother stood up for you.

We stayed on the bench for a long time, talking here and there. We started to wrestle and he broke my ring-bracelet (the ring is attached to the bracelet through a chain that goes down the back of the hand...yeah, I get a lot of compliments on that accesory). I inmediately said "I'll get another one", but he took out his knife and meticulously started to fix link by link, with a determination I never thought him capable of. It took him a lot of time to fix it, but he never gave up. I could only stare, with one leg on his knee. He truly amazed me. He made a lot of mistakes, but did not stop until he left it the way it was.

We went to the cafeteria, and he held my hand on our way there. You're happy, aren't you?, he asked. I was, I was happy to hold his hand again. We found three of his friends in the cafeteria, and he entertained them for a while. Because you know, he's such a great entertainer. Talking about the good old times when he'd beat the crap out of a certain guy, and such.

Fer showed up and invited us all to go down the parking lot and see his car. Joseph made fun of Fer, on the car and other subjects (he does it all the time, and Fer doesn't seem to mind), but we ended up going to check it out. I laughed, because it's a Volkwagen without a roof. I found it funny, and while the rest of people checking it out were asking Fer questions about it ("what about when it rains?"), I was covering my mouth with my hand, trying not to laugh out loud. Joseph put his arm around my waist and said, yeah, that's why I love you.

Then he walked me to the classroom (it was time for my class), we kissed goodbye three times and he left. Jesus, I was so happy. I didn't care for giving up the comfortable routine I had in mind, which was sitting on my chosen spot and having a capuccino at 4:30. No, this is so much better. He's so much better than that.

I'm thinking of going to the mall with him tomorrow morning. I HAVE to do this, I have to be brave. I don't have to think, I just have to do. Get the keys, take the car...I don't get as scared at driving as I used to, but I still get a little nervous. But he hinted that, if we're going out, I have to pick him up, which makes sense to me. I really want to go out with him, I want to have a damn normal relationship.

I have a very annoying lab tomorrow night, in Industrial Psychology, but I have to nurse my relationship, now that it seems to have a second chance. It's really hard to change parts of your personality, but I'll try not to blow it this time.

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