Wednesday, 04/06/05 - 10:43 pm.
I had trouble sleeping last night, thinking of what I was going to do today, which was driving. But if I'd known what'd really happen, I would have seriously not slept at all. But I'll go part by part, yes?
My plan was to drop my dad off at a clinic in the neighborhood, for his appointment with the doctor. Then go pick up Joseph and bring him to the mall with me. Then leave him, go for my dad, and go back home.
Mom asked me if I needed her to come with me. I'll go with Joseph, I said. And she didn't seem to mind. Or rather, she was like "oh, ok". I was really nervous about my whole plan, but once I got on the car and dropped my dad off, and headed over to Joseph's, I started to feel more calm.
I rang the bell, and the housekeeper opened the door, and called Joseph, who was in the kitchen. He led me to his bedroom. And he was a little bitter and rude, saying I was so predictable...I sat on his bed, and he sat on a chair. Long story short, I thought he wasn't going to come with me, and even more so, he was going to break up with me right there.
Why don't you just do it?, I finally asked. Why don't you just break up with me, once and for all, instead of doing all this?. He got very serious, and said, I could never do that. Believe me, I've tried. But I can't. You're the perfect girlfriend. I started to name all the flaws he says I have (and I do have), and he said, even with that. He asked how I felt with all this, this "mess", and he ended up saying welcome to an adult relationship. And we have yet to have a fight.
I kept asking him if he was going to come with me. At the beggining of the conversation he said "I'm considering it", but once we spent some time in bed (clothes on, if you must know), he finally said yes. And I drove to the mall. He gave me a few tips on driving, which is funny, because he can't even drive. But he knows a lot about a lot, and his tips were very reasonable.
At the mall we bought blank CDs and a blank tape for my dad. It didn't take us more than ten minutes. So instead of walking aimlessly there until my dad called, and leaving him there to go pick my dad up (Joseph fears my dad and he isn't psychologically ready to ride in the same car), we decided I'd take him back home.
I sort of parked in front of his house, because he was only to get out and I'd leave. But we started to talk and I said I was going to wait for my dad's call in his garage. In his garage, I said I wanted water (I was thirsty, indeed), so we went to his bedroom, because he had a bottle of water there.
Oh, well. We ended up in bed again. At times he was sort of forcing me, but...I mean, he knew when to stop. It was just playing around. I knew I wasn't going to let him, uh, "in", not this time, but I sort of gave in. I was slowly letting go of my grasp on his arm, although my legs never stopped being tense. It was just his fingers *cough*, I wasn't ready for anything else. I wasn't in the mood, either, I was concerned, waiting for my dad's call. AND, I was scared. Because I've always been scared of "that".
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I didn't really enjoy it. I mean, I enjoyed it because it was Joseph, I love him and all, but the thing per se, it wasn't really pleasant. It hurt a little, it was mostly uncomfortable. But I trusted him, I knew he knew what he was doing. I just kept asking, are you there, yet?. He'd replied, I would if you let me. Because my legs were shut tight, and sometimes I would hold his arm to keep it from moving any further. I don't think he went too deep, though.
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All in all, it was ok. He said he was proud of me, because I've come a long way. What I really, really love, though, is to be in bed with him, with my head resting on his chest. That I didn't want to end. We were just talking, and what stands out is what he said, about how he wanted to make my first time beautiful, and so he'd always try to be as gentle as possible.
I called my dad to ask if I should "leave the mall", and he said my mom was going to pick him up and then they both would go do something. So I was free of that duty, and I got to stay a little longer with Joseph. It was hard to leave. When I gathered the will, he wouldn't let go of me.
His mother. I finally met his mom. She's very short, and prettier than I thought. She has beautiful green eyes, and said she was glad to finally meet me, and that she was trying to find a mouse that had snuck into the kitchen. She's so cute, and, physically, nothing like Joseph. She accepted me right away, it was like she'd known her for a long time.
I came back home, smelling like him. So after lunch, to avoid suspicions, I took a shower and changed clothes. I met with him at the university hours later. He was there to meet up with someone, but we spent some time together (I took this picture in the cafeteria). It's great not just see him there anymore, though. It's refreshing. My mom loved your face, she says you have a pretty face...and that we'll make a beautiful baby.
The other significant part of my day was me running around with Marcela and other collaborators of the Psychology Billboard. We've scheduled to make a change of content this friday, so we're finishing everything up.
Priscilla gave me a card that almost made me cry. She said my birthday is on a date that doesn't allow us to reunite and celebrate, but that even though us kids (her, Irene, Victor and I) don't see each other during vacation, she's glad to be sharing this journey (university) with me. It was so moving. She's hilarious, too.
My brother was giving me a ride tonight. My last class of the day was his, so I just waited outside after it. While waiting near the car, this watchman on a bike started to talk to me. It kind of freaked me out, but I've learned that you must never turn down a conversation with someone. I just hated to find he's been probably watching a few of my steps. However, I tried to convince him that he mustn't die without studying psychology (and I did not care for how he got that old car he drives).
Another importan thing. Really important. I have another project coming up. After class, my brother called Victor and me. I know you had plans for a foreign project last year, and everything fell through. There's another opportunity now, on the topic of child abuse. You'll be some sort of assistants to the investigators, but you'll share the credit at the end. Plus, you get a salary. The [psychology] department wants you guys, even if you're just in your third year. You've been expressly chosen, by name. This wasn't a random selection. Lord. Stay tuned. I hope this works out. Sounds like a big deal.
I feel like such a grown-up today. I'm driving, playing guitar, getting involved in extra-curricular activities at the university, and exploring sexuality with my boyfriend *COUGH*.
Aside from the fact that I feel academically stuck (so many assignments and apparently making no progress), and that I'm awfully tired, everything's great. Yeah, I said GREAT.
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