Saturday, 04/09/05 - 10:56 pm.
So, I, um, I woke up this morning. I looked around, and it was only after well five minutes that I remembered that Joseph had broken up with me the day before. And I felt broken. Helpless. Almost catatonic. Until a statement popped in my head, you'll have to tell your mom (no way, not yet).
I'd gone to bed crying hysterically. I suppose I finally "realized" what had really happened and what that meant. I accepted everything, but that's when I started to say no. "No, no, Joseph, please, don't leave me, I am in love with you, please, please". I was sobbing, I was shaking. I can't believe I lost him, I can't believe I lost him. That's what I suddenly say, in spite of me, when I've finally managed to take my mind off the subject for a while.
This day has gone by quickly, but I stop every half hour to lock myself in my bedroom and cry for at least ten minutes. In the morning I sent him two messages, that I hope would reach him (I'm paranoid, so I fear he didn't get them).
[1]I asked you yesterday if I could call you because I had two things to tell you. To avoid awkwardness, I'll just say them here:
[2]One, I'm sorry for not being able to be your equal. Two, fuck, THANK YOU. You suck and all, but you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And that's it. Bye.
After clicking send, I went to my bedroom and cried. I have a consolation, and that's that I'm not hopeful. I wasn't expecting a phone call, a reply. I'm not. Ok, that's half a lie. Everytime the phone rings I LIKE TO BELIEVE it's him. But that's about it. I fear he and I won't be in touch again (ouch...you know, I wasn't thinking when I typed that).
I've been going back and forth through the five stages of grief, and sometimes three stages hit me at the same time. I don't cut myself. I'm not angry. I'm sad. Deeply sad, perhaps depressed. It's not that my life is over and that I'm the unhappiest person on earth. But I'm not very thrilled to "move on", as they say. And I'm certainly dying at the thought of losing Joseph.
I think of him, evertyhing he is. I see things he left behind in me. This morning I realized I never told him that head over feet by Alanis Morrissette summed up my feelings for him. I'm giving in to the temptation of thinking "he'll come back", but he was very clear. His feelings weren't the same anymore. I find it funny (and hurtful) that he fell in love with me the very first time he saw me, and now all that is gone. He fell out of love.
Which eventually led me to understand I'm guilty of the break up. Sure, we were different, different personalities, whatever you may call it. But it was me, I never realized his...needs. And when he told me, it was too late to make up for it. You know, there's another song by Alanis (I was listening to Jagged Little Pill) that says: you know how us catholic girls can be / we make up for so much time a little too late. I cried a lot when that line came up. I'm not exactly catholic (or at least I don't go to church), but it hit me.
Actually, I cry a lot all the time. I watched Monsters Inc. this afternoon, to keep my mind busy in my spare time (I don't cry when I'm working on my essay, but I was tired of my essay). But I cried through the whole movie like it was a fucking drama.
I wish I had someone to hold me, someone I could cry with all I can, someone I could tell how I feel, without feeling embarrased when I broke down. Tonight I imagined a scene, me running into Joseph's best friend, so he'd go tell him how badly I'm doing. I need to measure myself with the crying, though, in case somebody somebody in the house knocks on the door. Plus, if I let go, I'd be very loud.
Every little thing reminds me of him. Everything around me. I want him back. And I realize he's my very first significant loss. I hate myself for losing him, it's all my fucking fault. I feel so empty...I hadn't felt hollow since I met him. I'll be back to being...what I used to be before I met him. And you know, that's not so bad. What kills me is that...that he's not here anymore, and never will be.
- Me: John Lennon once said "Yoko is now a part of me. As I have arms, I have Yoko".
- Joe: so he was your Yoko.
I said, I thought so.
- Joe: you know I was starting to like this girl?
- Joe: but her situation was too difficult.
- Me: all you'll get from me at this stage is a "GET AWAY FROM HER AND ALL RELATIONSHIPS!".
- Joe: Haha. I already follow your advice. I thought I was losing interest, though. I haven't talked to her in a week, and that kind of bothers me.
Yeah, that's me, ladies and gentlemen. And the moral is "be careful what you wish for". You know what's worse? I kept typing "Joseph", instead of "Joe".
It just feels so unnatural. When I was with Joseph, I'd be minding my own bussiness, and he'd come to mind, out of the blue. And I'd feel something strange, a nice strange, as in "this feeling for him has been with me my whole life". I don't know how to explain this...I just thought I was ready to spend my whole life with one person, and Joseph was the one.
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