Friday, 04/15/05 - 10:00 pm.
Joseph broke up with me a week ago. The day before, he had fixed my ring/bracelet chain thing. The next day (break-up), it broke again. I tried to fix it, and I did. Today, it broke again. But this is probably irrelevant, whatever.
Irene, Victor and I went to ask my brother, our Experimental Psychology professor, about an experiment we have to replicate or create. He gave us some advices, and even lent us a social psychology book to guide us, since our subject is prejudice toward homosexuality. That was kind of...a "push" he wouldn't normally give his students, I guess. But what the fuck.
When we were leaving his office, after clearing our minds and thanking him for his help, he asked me to stay. I've been preselected, he said. For the scholarship. Shit. My brother's going to Spain. He's SO fucking earning that shit. I get sad when I think he's leaving, but the cure to that is to think "what if he wasn't?". I want a happy brother, and even though I'll miss him, he MUST go the hell away and get his PhD degree.
It was a nice day, despite the heartbreaking milestone. I spent the afternoon with Irene, mostly. She was copying some Latinamerican Literature classes she didn't attend (midterm on monday), and we talked about academics and psychological problems of children at our school. AND, we went for a caffeine drink to the coffeehouse. I'm addicted to granita drinks now.
So, um...Joe. I was meeting him this afternoon, because I had to give him back a CD he'd lent me two weeks ago (when I was still with Joseph *sobs*). It was almost 5:30, time for my class, but the professor was late, so we got to talk a little.
You don't seem so bad, he said, regarding my break-up. He probably thought I'm tearful all day. I'm better, actually, but I still cry at night. I kind of feel bad for not looking bad, because that's not the truth, and I hate to give away a wrong impression. I feel awful, I feel empty, hopeless and, in a way, tired. I'd hate for people (namely, his friends, with whom I run into often, for he has a lot) to think, well, she's moved on, she really wasn't into him. I know I shouldn't care what people think. But I can't help it. I really love Joseph, and I miss him. I MISS HIM, and I wish somebody would tell him that. Just for the sake of it.
Joe asked me if I would attend his next class, in case my professor didn't show up. He asked me in, go figure. Over all, I consider we had a very awkward conversation. It was nice, yes, but...it was awkward. I really don't know how to act and react around him.
One thing you must know is that, right now, the four of us are single. I mean, Irene, Victor, Priscilla and yours truly. We seem to be under a curse, because not only we're single, we're brokenhearted, too, each of us for a specific circumsyance regarding love. On the other hand, we have this name, candy, to refer to a human being courting us. Like, right now, Priscilla has a candy, who sent her a cake for her birthday. Victor has a few candies, but there's nothing clear (we call him candy ourselves, he seems to be highly priced among some ladies).
So Irene asks me, what is up with that new candy. Joe. And Priscilla gets interested in our conversation, and so does Victor. I say there's nothing going on, but Victor says he's been "at it" for a while. And he's so fucking amazing with the guitar player. I deny everything. I'd like to tell them, yes, I've liked him since the very first moment I saw him. But I only say I don't feel like having any candy right now. It's the truth, anyway.
Joseph. I just can't let go of him...I mean, his memory (ppffft, like he's dead). Sometimes I'm scared he'll come back, sometimes I'm scared he won't. I tend to think he won't, and that makes me feel terrible. He was everything, and I don't feel like having "another chance" with anybody. Anybody. I like Joe, and I have no reason to think he doesn't like me at least a bit, but I say, anybody.
To lose all that I had with Joseph...it's like losing a long, well thought-out Diaryland entry, you know, you don't feel like typing it all again. It's a loss, and even if you're not disappointed enough to try and type it up again, it's not the same. Love? I don't want that again.
I feel rather sad at the moment. I've smiled, like somebody asked me to, though. I mean, I'm not as miserable as I was a week ago. But this feeling of doom will remain for a long time.
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