Wednesday, 04/20/05 - 9:01 pm.
It's been said that with time, you get better. But in my case, I'm getting worse.
I saw Joseph today again. He got a haircut, and was wearing some gray camouflage pants that I loved so much. He was wearing them one day, when we'd just met, when he jumped in front of me and stayed like a frog. That day I knew he was the guy I'd wished for, for a rather silly reason: he reminded of a frog-prince I'd seen in a play. I'd wished for someone like him.
I take it he didn't see me the first time, I almost missed him, and I really wish I had. I saw him once again minutes later, he was walking with an old girl friend and we didn't run into each other by ONE second. I heard him talking, being his loud self, as I was giving my back to him (and viceversa).
In between classes, I ran to the bathroom and cried. I can't put it into words, but everybody (my three friends) say "I know how you feel". Everybody does, because, apparently, I'm not the only human being who's gone through a break-up. They're very supportive, and they manage to stay next to me while keeping their distance.
I've been anxious and afraid. I've been petrified, and after seeing him, aside from fighting with all my human strenght to hold back the tears, I kept telling myself breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe. I can't explain. And even if people know how I feel (which I appreciate), that's not enough. I don't know what to do with myself.
I don't feel connected enough to any of my friends to ask them to hug me. The slightest sign of them getting into the topic is enough to break me, and it's embarrasing. More than anything, I just wish he LOOKED AT ME. Whether if he's really ignoring me, or truly hasn't seen me, I JUST WISH HE NOTICED ME. Even if he's seen me, though, there's a reason why he broke up with me, and this is just a desired consequence: no more contact.
This afternoon I got together with my three friends and an extra gal pal. But when I saw him, I lost my concentration. And they just kept talking and talking about social psychology, and I was sick of it. I wanted to scream, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!! I wasn't going to tell anybody that I'd seen him, but the weight was unbereable. Priscilla was the first to know.
I'm kind of failing my classes. I feel really out of everything, and particularly my grades in Industrial Psychology are the worst I've ever gotten in the university. I have no drive whatsoever, and this is just the first midterm week. I'm really scared of the income, I can't get myself to finish anything. I feel like a failure.
You know what I hate? How everything continues in his life, except me. How he's still hanging with the same friends, how he still walks his girl friends to class, but I'm not there anymore.
After I saw him, I was shaking. Lately my favorite position is fetal, and I indeed feel aborted. Unwanted. I guess that's what it is, beyond the "this is killing me". I feel like some sort of unwanted fetus.
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