Saturday, 04/23/05 - 10:38 pm.
I really enjoy going swimming at seven in the morning. It sounds stupid, but seriously, the time is perfect. The pool I go to, with my mom, is only like two minutes away, by car. And most of times, the place is empty. Today it was kind of cold, because of last night's storm, and it was cloudy. So cloudy, I could see the sun without getting my eyes hurt. It was like an orange coin, so beautiful.
Of course, a couple of hours later, I started to feel exhausted, and I took a nap, hence a break from studying for monday's midterm. My post-swimming naps are AT least one hour long. Which I consider lame, but I honestly have a hard time avoiding the resting.
My point is, though, that I had a horrible dream about Joseph. No, well, it was nice, because it was definitely my dream coming true, being with him again. But it's just a fantasy, which is why I consider it horrible. He was holding me and asked me why did I break up with you?, in a "I'm so stupid" tone.
My parents went out in the afternoon, and I stayed home alone. Before I began to study, I sent Joseph a text message: weekly world news: Bush pushing to be the new Pope / Terrorists hijack UFO / 25 signs you are going to hell. And something told me I'd get a call after that. And I did.
You are really bored, aren't you?, he asked. We didn't talk long, because I had to study and he had a friend over. Watch "the weakest link", he said. And he commented on the lady, and I replied with a "mmm-hhmm", and he said, joking, there you go, you and your jealousy. No, I said, I know that's your type of woman. And then bye-byes.
I was only half-focused after the short phone call. His jealousy comment stuck out for a reason I can't really put my finger on. I cried silently, while learning the characteristics of the experiment. I cried silently the whole time, actually. I just can't accept he doesn't feel for me what he used to, so I keep on repeat in my head what we said two weeks ago: "you don't love me like you used to?"..."no. I don't". No, he doesn't. He doesn't.
Somewhere between the dream and the phone call, I watched Pirates of The Caribbean. Finally. I remembered that the day after Joseph broke up with me, I watched Monsters Inc. and I cried all through the movie. I thought, this time will be different, because I'm more calm.
Yes, I liked the movie...I LOVE Johnny Depp, to begin with. No, I did not cry. However, Jack...Captain Jack Sparrow reminded me of Joseph, too much for my own good. His facial features (he sports a slight beard), his subtle jokes, his strange reactions and faces, his bizarre stories. That's probably a fitting character, it describes him very well. *sigh*
It's probably useless to try to stretch this entry to describe my feelings accurately. It all comes down to the fact that I am still in love with Joseph, whereas he fell out of love with me.
And there's a reason for that: because I disappointed him. I even frustrated him, in a way. I wasn't what he expected. I keep telling me so, to reassure myself that things like that can't be fixed, that he can't fall in love with me again because now he knows me.
My eyes have been wet since around four o'clock, and sometimes the heartache makes breathing difficult. I didn't turn on the lights in the house when it got dark. I remained in the shadows, watching the huge storm clouds approaching. There was no sound in the house, and I just kept thinking of him. Of everything about him. The images go so fast in my mind that I don't know where they belong in time.
WHY can't I just understand something so simple?!
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