The chronic emptiness has come back.
Wednesday, 05/04/05 - 9:38 pm.

I'll get this out of the way right now: I saw Joseph, I waved at him and he said "hello". Now I'm going to hold my breath and move on.

I got three references to my book today. The first one came from Jerry, a former instructor. Have I said this, that he's handsome and there's "something" about him, but he seems to be a little stuck-up? Anyway. I was sitting on my spot, on some stairs, talking to Irene, and he came from behind and tapped my shoulder as he was coming down the stairs. Hey, I didn't know you had a book. I explained that, as a matter of fact, I do. And hinted it's being sold in the campus bookstore. That was nice. He was nice.

Later on, a classmate approached and said he'd read one of my stories, and that it was great. And went on about how I should promote it, and said he'd help, and we should do this and that. Aaaaawww. And last, another classmate asked me to sign his copy. I was both embarrased and honored. I don't know what to write, I admitted. You wrote all that and you can't write a little dedicatory?, he asked, smiling. Damn right.

And that was my day. There are other details, like hanging out with Irene, and discovering a paper I turned is wrong, so I'll have to repeat it....and seeing Joseph, but I believe I already said that.

I'm very empty. I hadn't felt like this in a long time. I go to bed feeling meaningless, I wake up feeling pointless. I go to the university feeling hollow, knowing there's nothing new for me, nothing to look forward to.

I guess I got used to being emotionally attached to someone, and now I can't bear being alone. I mean, I'm not alone, I spend most of my campus time with my friends. But I feel lonely, anyway. I get anxious, looking around, waiting for something, anything. Nothing happens. And thinking about Joseph tortures me...knowing that he's in the same physical space, but in a different world, light years away from mine, with no possibility of ever crossing paths again. It, you guessed, KILLS me.

There's a screening of the motorcycle diaries tomorrow at noon, in campus. I was hoping Joe would come, so I told him, but he has other things to do. Good thing I also told Irene and Victor, so I won't be alone. I will be, however, having lunch all by myself, which normally would thrill me, but right now it only depresses me. I might as well not have lunch.

Joe went offline earlier. I'll do the same, then. I have to get up early, anyway. This sounds like I'm getting hooked on him, I probably kind of am. That's probably part of the reason I get anxious. Every day I hold hopes of seeing him, but our relationship exists merely through internet. I suppose I'm only looking for a scapegoat, for a rebound. He doesn't like me, though, so there's no danger.

At least I'm not very annoying about the break-up. I was talking to C today, between classes, and he was hiding from a friend. I saw her ex-boyfriend yesterday, so now she's bombing me with endless questions about him, and she won't leave me alone. Good thing you're not like that. Believe me, pal, I bite my tongue. But it's comforting that he thinks so.

And that's how things are, or were, today.

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