Monday, 05/23/05 - 10:55 pm.
Today I met the woman Victor and I are working with, regarding Mr PhD's project. Well, it's her project, actually, not Mr PhD's. I thought she was from Spain, though. She's from here. That was kind of a letdown, but she's really nice.
Mr PhD is becoming more and more familiar with Victor and me. I was telling Victor how we're reaching a higher status, now Mr PhD's secretary does us favors. Because she was getting a few photocopies we needed. It's like we have this power invested by Mr PhD, "look, do this for us". But obviously, we're polite dorks, and we must do most everything by ourselves.
That's not the bottom line of this entry, though.
I was with Victor, studying for today's midterm (Latinamerican Literature), when Joseph walked by. He said hi to us, but didn't look at me very much. That kind of hurt me, but it didn't make me doubt he loves me, so I went on with my life, and kept studying with Victor.
Some time later, he walked by again, but this time he did approach. Come on, I'll take you for coffee, he said. I inmediately forgot about the midterm, and Victor said "go". I wasn't expecting that invitation. I paid for Joseph's movie ticket yesterday, and he'd said he'd treat me to something to pay me back, but I didn't think it'd be today.
We went to the coffeehouse. It was just like when we were dating, starting from the fact that I was carrying his backpack (empty) and he was carrying mine (very heavy). We walked in, took a seat and ordered two cold cappuccinos.
- Joseph: I'm going to tell you this, because I love you. It's something very stupid I did, and I don't want you to hear it from anybody else...
- Me: yeah?
- Joseph: You know about rebounds, don't you?
I inmediately knew what he was going to say: he has a girlfriend. I knew from Fer, when he told Joseph had cheated on me. So, who is she?, I asked, charmingly. He said it was her. Indeed, the girl Fer told me he was dating. So I wasn't surprised a bit, and reacted very friendly.
It's kind of hard to explain it here. He doesn't care about her at all, that's plain to see, and I feel sorry for her. I asked him for how long they'd been dating, he said he didn't know. If he'd slept with her, he said no. If he liked her, he said he no. Then why is he with her, he didn't know. I'm too impulsive. I'm fucking stupid. I guess I just wanted to bother the girl I told you about.
Parenthesis: the girl he told me about is the girl who likes him. If you don't remember, there's this girl who he once said she liked him. I met her once, and I've seen her with her boyfriend. So I thought that Joseph was misinformed (at the time I thought he was lying, but, as I've learned, he doesn't lie). Today we ran into her, though, on our way to the coffeehouse. She looked pissed off and barely reacted to us. Everybody knows she likes me, so I guess I wanted to bother her, and show her I wasn't available. She started dating that guy to spite me, like I cared.
- Joseph: so now that you know the awful truth...
- Me: I don't think any less of you.
- Joseph: what?! I'm a piece of crap! I'm in love with you and I'm stupid enough to go off with someone else, someone I do not give a fuck about, and you still don't think I'm an idiot?
- Me: were you dating her when you were dating me?
- Joseph: no.
- Me: then it's nothing wrong, is it? You weren't cheating on me, you were single when you started going out with her. I'm curious, though...what do you do with her, if you don't sleep with her?
- Joseph: nothing, we barely see each other.
- Me: just at the cafeteria?
- Joseph: barely. And well, we went to the mall once.
- Me: you know, that's not very faithful. That you're with me when you're actually with her...
- Joseph: you are faithful to the one you love. You are the one I love.
I don't doubt that, you know. He's proven me several times he's still very in love with me. And I can actually see him going out with this gal "just because". Not even to get over me, not no make me jealous. He's like that. And seeing him talking about her, I just feel sorry for her.
He's going to break up with her, anyway. I don't remember what he said, but I replied stay with her, as in "now deal with the consequences". That hurt him, because it sounded like I didn't want him back. He knows I do, but I'm glad it hurt him.
I was taking it lightly, because after all, he's in love with me and cares about me. It's hard to prove to third parties, though, now that he's dating this girl he doesn't care about. It gives the impression he doesn't have feelings, let alone cares about others'.
My mom adores you. She's seen me suffering over other girls, and she's always told me "you're giving them an importance they don't deserve". She's always known my on-and-offs: "you have a girlfriend?", yeah, I got one, "how's your girlfriend?", blah, I broke up with her. But with you...you're the only one she's been eager to meet, you're the only one she's told me "I can see you and her lasting for a long, long time".
At some point, he started to talk about our wedding. So naturally. I was talking about that with friends at some bar, one of the nights I was feeling utterly imbecile and killing myself for having broken up with you. I made the list of people I'd invite, it was over a hundred. Including the guy who said he'd expected us to get married, just so he could see the triumph of irony on earth.
I can see us in the church, one half for your family, the intellectual, quiet side. And then my friends, having a big party on the other half, with a guy spitting fire. Even the priest would be my friend, so he'd said, "Joseph...ppfff, no, your name is not Joseph, you're just crazy...you crazy, useless, guy, do you take *me* as your beloved wife"...and I'd be drunk from the night before, barely standing on my feet.
- Me: you will invite the stripper from the bachelor party, won't you?
- Joseph: of course! that sexy stripper...male stripper [*I laughed so hard here*], in his sexy tie and Tarzan thong. Oh, and the thing after the wedding wouldn't be a reception, it would be a PARTY, under a circus tent and all.
See, he's adorable (to me, anyway).
Then we started to talk about the child. How do you think this little thing will be like?, he asked. I looked at his face, noticing for the 104647th time how handsome he is, and I said, pretty, very pretty. "That's a given", he said, "I mean his personality". I think the child would probably have some disorder, I said, from being raised by a set of parents who are nothing alike between each other.
After a while, I noticed this whole thing. I mean, we were talking about getting married and having a beautiful child, like I was already wearing an engagement ring. It was strange.
It was 5:14, and he asked at what time I had my class. I have a midterm at 5:30, I said. Then let's go, a midterm is important, he replied. So are you, I said. He made a fist and hit his chest. "Ok, that hit me".
When we were going out of the coffeehouse, on our way back to the campus, I said "there goes your girlfriend". She was on the other side of the street, leaving campus. "I know", he smiled, and ignored her. I felt sorry for her. When Joseph said he was going to break up with her, I asked how would she react, she'd start yelling at me, "I knew you still loved her!". She's always yelling at me.
We found Maniac when Joseph was walking me to the classroom. We only talked about Star Wars. We also saw a red-head girl who we used to see every day last semester. She looks like a young, rebel child, and we thought she'd dropped off. We saw her today, and her hair is blonde now. Joseph and I were laughing...we only see her when we're together.
We said goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and a hug. I had my midterm (I'll fail, but then again, so will everybody), had the class with my brother and talked to Irene after class, until my dad picked me up.
Now, when I came home, I started to feel miserable. Ok, so Joseph doesn't love her. But that still doesn't erase the fact that she's taken my title, he gave her my title, and that hurts me, even if she isn't really taking my place. He's so cold toward her...I know him, I know how cold and cruel he can be to someone when he doesn't care about that person. He's never been like that toward me (thank Heavens for that). I know he's in love with me, and I know he'll break up with her because he can barely stand having her around...but still. I hate all this.
I also hate that I couldn't react like this at the coffeehouse. At the time, I was just entertained by the story. Seriously. I never react like any of his past girlfriends, and he loves me for that. I never explode, or get hysterical, or start yelling. I talk. We talk, and we work things out. But right now, I feel bad. He's made a mistake, he admits it, bla, bla, bla. I'm still hurt.
I'm not very comfortable talking about this, actually. I'm afraid I sound a little pathological, like those women who can't leave their macho man. That't not it. I know he loves me, and it's not because he says it. I don't excuse what he's done. He did something very, very stupid, because he has this habit of doing what his primary impulses tell him to.
I liked a particular statement in Star Wars...how the fear of losing someone makes you selfish. It's just that, when you lose someone, part of you dissapears. And I've lost so many people that I don't think there's any more of me to dissapear. That's probably made me insensitive, and now I don't care. I don't care about her [his girlfriend] and I don't care about a lot of people. I can be selfless and let them go. I am, and I do.