Sunday, 07/17/05 - 11:05 pm.
You'll have to forgive me if this turns out to be too graphic. I'll try to keep it clean and simple. But hey, it was graphic for me, too, alright?
This story begins last night, when my brother came back home at night, after being out all afternoon, and went out again. I was very tearful all night, and I'd break into sobbing here and there. Joseph called me from someone's cell phone, and bless his soul for noticing I was feeling like crap.
He later called me from home, and told me he'd had a shitty day, and was frustrated because I was crying (refer to the previous entry). We called each other on and off all night, and when I went to bed, I was feeling much better.
In two years, when you graduate, I'm gonna marry you, ok? Give me just this semester...next year I'll go talk to your parents. I don't care if I'm afraid of your dad, he has to know that I love you, and he'll have to accept me.
Aw. Anyway...
His seminary thing continued today, and he had to leave home at 9:00 am. That discouraged me, so I thought I wouldn't bother to go visit him in the morning. However, I woke up at 7 something, and I realized that if I didn't go today, it'd be a long time before I could sneak out again to see him. And he won't go to the university until the semester begins, at the end of august.
So, I took a bath, had breakfast, took Frog for a walk and got the keys. My brother was asleep, he'd come home past midnight, and anyway, he wouldn't have told me anything. He's cool about me going out.
It was the first time that I drove that car. We got it a few weeks ago, it's second-hand, but easy to handle. I also had to take an alternate way to get to his house, because on sundays the main road is closed all morning for jogging people, dogs and bicycles. Those were two reasons why I wasn't going to go visit him.
I got safely to his house, and he was taking a bath. His mom invited me to take a seat with her in the kitchen, while she was having breakfast. His dad joined us. Uncomfortable much? It wasn't uncomfortable, actually. They make me feel so welcome.
He finished his shower, and I went in his room. We spent some time talking, while he finished his grooming. We'd cuddle or make out here and there, in his bed. I think he put me in a few sex positions, but I never let him take my pants off.
His bedroom had no curtains this time, and I was afraid someone would come down. Nobody ever does, if someone calls him, it's from the top of the staircase. But still. By then he was trying to take my pants off, so I told him we should go to the other half of his bedroom, where the was a shade, and no place to sit on. I was actually trying to get him away from the bed.
He put me against the window, and I won't forget the noise it made everytime I backed up. He slowly slid his fingers, and I was so scared. He'd done it once before, but I wasn't thrilled with the experience. It took him some time, because I was fighting back.
I started to feel...stuff. He always keeps asking how I feel, if I like it, etc. I didn't know how to tell him I didn't like it. It got more and more intense, and suddenly, just as I'd always thought I'd do, I started to cry. And I was breathing heavily, "it feels like you're tearing me apart".
It already is, he said. "WHAT?!". It's torn apart already. We are connected now, this is it. This is making love. "Am I bleeding?". You don't bleed, honey, you're ready for this.
I wasn't sure of anything. I wanted him to stop, but he kept going deeper and deeper and I had to stand on my toes (we were standing). Aside from crying, I started to bite his jacket, and I was trying not to scream. I wanted him out, and perhaps I started to cry, because at the moment I was feeling abused and I wasn't seeing Joseph as Joseph but as a stranger. Though he kept asking how I was feeling.
I was so glad when he slipped it (them?) out of me. But he kept coming back down there. I did like it once it was over. It was a relief, and yet it was some sort of rush, as well. He hugged me, and asked me to look at him...I couldn't while he was inside. But he kept saying the real thing wasn't going to hurt, and that everything was ok, that my body was ready, etc.
He asked me if I wanted to go to his bed and do it. Do *it*. I said I didn't want to. He didn't insist. He had to go to work, anyway. I wish I could stay here and make love to you, but I have to go to work, for you. You make me a better person. Aw.
I felt better once he got out of me. Well, it wasn't so bad, I said, I could even do it again right now....only not. I'm very ambivalent on this one. I don't like it while it's happening, but I like the feeling afterwards.
He was late by then, so we said goodbye to his parents and I gave him a ride to the mall where he'd take a bus. Even the sounds you were making...those belong to the sexual intercourse. I don't quite get the crying, but the heavy breathing, the moaning, the biting. You should watch a porn movie, it's the same thing. No, I get it. And you're not going to bleed. Maybe if you were 16, or 17, but your body is very mature now.
I stayed in the mall to buy my friend Nicole a present. All the time I was feeling strange, like new. Pretty much like when I finish swimming, swimming makes me feel good. And I've been in a good mood all day.
My brother took me to a coffeehouse in the afternoon, and when we came back, my parents were arriving from the beach. My niece is awfully sunburned, but she's been charming all evening, up until now that she fell asleep.
My only regret was that I did not get to see Nicole, we could never catch each other at home and she's leaving tomorrow morning. I got to talk to her on the phone, though, and her voice is so sweet and soft. She's like 16, 17 now? I don't even remember how old we were when we met, but we were still children. I'm like 2 or 3 years older.
I'd bought her a box of chocolates and a few white candles. I waited in line for almost twenty minutes to get them wrapped. When I realized I wasn't going to see her, I got frustrated and decided to eat the chocolates. I unwrapped the present to eat the goddamned chocolates, and I discovered the fucking wrapping lady didn't include the candles. That frustrated me even more.
- Me: so, um...did you really tear it apart?
- Joseph: love, stop it.
- Me: aaaww, come on, I wanna know!
- Joseph: alright, alright. I did. You're not a virgin anymore.
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