Monday, 07/18/05 - 8:36 pm.
Perhaps I learned something horrible from yesterday's, uh, thing with Joseph. In the spirit of reciprocity, I asked him how he felt about it. His answer wasn't out of this world, and nothing I wasn't expecing (good thing) but there was something that caught my attention.
He said he loved my face while we were doing it, I had a "pleasure face". That upset me a little, and I told him. That wasn't pleasure! I hated it. I hated it.
In a psychology book I have, there's a chapter about human emotions and there's a picture of two people, a married couple. They're making a strange face, like they're crying really hard. A few pages ahead, there's the same picture, but the situation is explained: they'd just won the lottery. They were actually extremely happy.
So that's pretty much where I'm going. Having all that in mind, it's kind of easy to rape a girl, isn't it? If you can't tell a facial expression of pain from one of pleasure, you may very well rationalize it and use it for your advantage. "Oh, yeah, she loves it". It's along the lines of "when she says 'no', she means 'yes'". Stuff like that. I don't know how often that happens in reality, but it's still creepy to think about it. It did happen to me, as you can tell. I had to explain Joseph I wasn't biting his jacket out of pleasure.
*sigh*
Well, my first day as a non-virgin (it's a technicism, but it gives a pathetic sense of excitement to my dull life) was spent with achy muscles, I think from tip-toeing while Joseph was doing his thing. And also learning I have a huge load of work to do. The semester is over and I have no classes anymore, but my job is taking up a lot of time, and the worst is yet to come.
Happily, I went to the university this afternoon, to catch up on work and newspapers. I checked my final grades on the database, and I got 9.1, 9.2 and 9.6, the last grade being from my brother's subject. That makes me happy. I'm only missing the Social Psychology grade, but I went to get my final exam and I got a 10, so I'm pretty confident. I had 10s in all three exams. Plus, that professor has chosen me to his instructor next semester, for Lectures on Psychodinamics. Yes, feel my excitement.