Monday, 07/01/02 - 5:23 pm.
I have ridiculous amounts of math exercises due to july 15th. Around 500 exercises, about triangles and stupid ships going north, south, west or east. And I can barely solve a few.
First off, the classroom ceiling was finally repaired. My life is no longer in danger.
Then, Aerosmith's new video, Girls of summer, is released today. And tomorrow is released "UGH": Ultimate Greatest Hits. Ugh, why not b-sides or outtakes?
On the other hand, I have something in my throat. It feels like a fuckin' afro wig. Simeon mentioned it could be a bug, like a roach or something. Yes, it is disgusting, I can hear you yucking. But hey, that's life. The truth is I have something...don't you apreciate me being open? Dammit, shit happens. I just wish I could stick my fingers down my throat and take out whatever is causing this crap.
Speaking of crap, we're seeing Fight Club in philosphy class (I meant "crap" as is "...crap of this world"). I love Fight Club, one of my all-time favorite movies. I saw it for the first time last year, in philosophy class, too. I'm very fond of this movie, because sometimes I feel I'm the narrator and I'm victim of my own Tyler Durden.
We didn't finish it today, but I, of course, thought a lot about it. Losing all hope was freedom. I love that. It sounds depressive, but it's the truth. So as I walked out of the video room, I was talking to myself. No, this time it wasn't the voices in my head. This time it was me. And my inner voice was exactly as the narrator's...quite, tranquil, ironic...I was very glad to find out that I knew every outstanding line from the movie by heart. I quoted them to myself.
....you know? I actually don't get why I was glad about it.
So I walked out listening to my own narrator. And I felt I'd lost hope. About a few things. And I sat alone. And I felt like I hadn't felt in quite some time. Not depressed, but rather apathetic. I just wanted to be left alone.
...with my single serving life....
I don't know how, but I managed to get out of that insomniac state of mind. I didn't realize how I did it, because when you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake.
On the second recess...I shouldn't even mention it by now, I went to see the gang play soccer. But this time it was different. There were too many people watching. It's not only me now. Some popular girls, Adri, some boys that have given up on playing, another couple...I left earlier. I didn't like that. I'd arrived first. Looking for something...just peace, a new enviroment, running away from something...they arrive just like that, with no real purpose, and...well...
Let's just say...that's so Marla.
Part of losing my hope, involved the crush. I'd lost hope of having a chance with him. So I was free to walk around school, not worrying about running into him, looking for him, talking to him....losing hope in love it's such a great feeling if you know how the replace hope with freedom.
I just wondered...where does the saliva you swallow go to? Hi, I'm dumb.
Wait, where was I? Yeah, that I've lost hope (the voices in the head are useful sometimes). But I keep playing with him. He keeps playing with me. It's not exactly "playing", since we're not doing it with that purpose. That's just the way we've grown to treat each other like. The only tiny problem is that while playing with each other's hormones, I tripped on my feelings. Hi, I'm dumber.
Last night, I found him online. Hey, baby, he said...huh, big deal. But it was for me at that point. You see, one minute he's sweet, even sounds like he's in love, and the next one, we're just friendly-friends and then just indifferent-friends. He followed me when I was on my way to the soccer field (he asked something like: are you going *now*?, and sounded as if he was going to show up later, which he didn't). He was looking for me on the third recess, and sometimes he even calls me.....um, sweet names. Then he acts indifferent and shit. It's kind of confusing. But not the confusion I had with the guy, with the guy it was ok to be confused because he wasn't even my friend.
But it'll pass. He treats me that way because that's the way we've always treated each other. We have always flirty towards each other. It's just that this time around...I made a small mistake. I went too far.
You know, I'd better go. I'll try to cough my throat out. That's gonna be fun.
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