Tuesday, 09/06/05 - 10:01 pm.
I hated today's group of kids that I had to evaluate at the ESJ. I think I'm just getting tired of going there, but evaluations finish next week. And then I get a letter saying I've earned 100 hours in concept of social service. And that's going to be, like, yay.
For a couple of seconds, I felt bad being at my old school. I felt nostalgia for something that never happened. This weird feeling crept over me all of a sudden...I wished I'd had a boyfriend at school. Because you see, the school is actually a pretty place, with the trees and the open spaces. But I never had that. I have great memories, of course, and I had "special people", but it's not the same. I wish I could've something like it seemed I was *about to have* with Denver in senior high. Minus the sudden rejection and the self-harm, confusion, and hurt after that.
This question was in my inbox this morning: Why should the UN and countries of the world have to help a country that spends $5,600 millions per month on invading Iraq?
Irene told me today that I seemed to get thinner everyday. And I thought it's sad how people relay their confidence in comments like this one. I don't, actually. I have my moments, but for the most part, I'm quite content looking like a hippopotamus (kidding, my weight is all right).
Michelle saw the big keloid on my arm, and asked me how it happened. I said I got it at school, and then I turned around, meaning "end of the conversation". Seconds later I thought maybe I should've gone for the truth, oh, yes, I was fucked up, so I used to cut myself. I'm not ashamed of that, and she and I are pretty much friends now, but...I've simply found myself -to my own surprise- reluctant to mention I used to do that, when in its time, it was my pride.
In Psychology of Abnormal Behavior, Mr. Miscellaneous was talking about psychotherapists and depression. I got emotional, because I was reminded for a few seconds of my 8th grade debacle. It had something to do with placing all the anger on yourself. I thought of Michelle asking about my keloid just an hour before, and it's a good thing that the other three scars below that keloid aren't visible at first sight, because then you can see they were on purpose.
Have I said sometimes I wish I were a sociopath?
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