I am Jack's tears of anger.
Thursday, 07/04/02 - 5:45 pm.

I had been awaken for maybe 5 minutes, and I thought my day had already worn out. This day was a lost cause even before it began.

Before classes started, I was out in the hall. And I saw Veronica rushing out. And what's wrong with this bitch today?, I asked myself. Seconds later, I saw Roberto rushing after her, calling her. This oughtta be good, right?, I though, half joking, half serious. He grabbed her, she tried to push him away, they argued...and I decided I truly didn't care about witnessing such thing. I truly wasn't interested.

The thing that got me started today, was a bottle of water. I always carry one in my backpack. Sometimes I don't even drink and others drink it for me, but that's ok, as long as they ask me. We didn't have computer science today and we had the period off. I decided to work on some assignment for tomorrow, outside the classroom. Ricardo asked me if he could drink some of my water. Sure, yeah, of course. He always does. Later on, Rod asked me the same thing. Of course, man, help yourself. He walks in and then walks back out...there's no more water. I walked in the classroom and I grabbed my bottle...no water. I yelled at Ricardo, "what happened?", and he said: I put it back in its place but everybody started drinking from it and... I tossed away my stuff and howled FUCK! (someone said: "shit!"), I got the bottle, and walked outside the classroom, feeling every vein being burned with anger. I only heard Vic go: Hey, Tyler!!!, but I didn't reply. I didn't know where I was going, but since I was carrying the bottle, I decided I should go fill it again. Then I realized I could be punished for walking around school, in the hallways, during class time, but I didn't care.

I got back. Ricardo was in the doorway, and started excusing himself and apologizing (yeah, yeah, man, no problem, forget it). I walked in, sat in my desk and started crying. I was pissed off. That's probably a part of my life that repeats often: people drinking from my water without permission. It's a stupid little thing, and I don't care if they drink, that's not the point. The point is, is not theirs, I don't carry it for them and the least they could do is ask. I wished I could've had the guts to start breaking desks and hitting everybody. But instead I cried silently. Vic kept asking me what was wrong. Art lied on the floor next to my desk, like Frog would do after I'd hurt myself. I can't stand it. I can't fuckin stand all this.

Don't tell me nothing's wrong, that's the most incoherent thing you could ever tell me. I don't fuckin' believe you, Vic replied, upset, after I said with tears that nothing was wrong. He knows. He's scared because he had never seen me this pissed off. To him, I'm a peaceful, stoic being. I am. Or I was. But there's always a side you never see, like the moon. Even if it's full, there's a side you can't see.

After the incident, we went to the lab to make an experiment. Don't ask what it was about, at that point, my whole life was written in tongues.

Then we went to the movies. It was pretty stupid. 110 kids in uniform, walking around to go to a movie theater. Yes, we went walking. The mall (with the movie theaters inside) is practically two blocks away. We were sorted in blocks, four teachers for each classroom. We all held hands like kindergarten kids to cross the streets. It must've been looked cute. The guy saw us leave, and I felt sorry for him (damn, baby...sucks to be you).

Norman grabbed my arm and said: hey, I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I kissed him in the cheek. I know he saw part of my anger, I know he saw me cry. Some did. You know, you and I are the same way right now, I'll cry during the movie. There it goes...once again, something happens to me and it something else happens to my friends so my problem doesn't matter. I mean it does...but you get the point. We walked together for a while, listening to a group of kids talking hilarious shit behind us.

I tried to sit alone, but Adri refused to leave me. And since she was here, Patch sat with us, too (their thing is a different story). We saw Amores Perros, a mexican movie. It made me think about my own violence. It's a raw movie, and at times I thought I wouldn't stand it, at least with the mood I was. I kind of hated it, because of the dogs in it.

From 110, only one said thank you...I held the door for everybody (that's practically something that no one does here). I just felt like, I wanted to see if there was somebody else kind enough to hold it. But nope, everyone just walked by, like the fat of the land. Well, Cel did help me. And one girl said thank you.

My Obese Girl insisted in having lunch with me. I told her I loved her so much but I didn't feel like being with anyone. I had lunch by myself. When I was done, she and Sophie kept me company. They just can't understand...but I appreciated it. As much as I appreciated Adri wanting not to leave me alone, despite I wanted to. You just can't help being thankful for their concern.

Speaking of concern, Cel and Art bought me a Spiderman coloring book. It's more a phamplet, something you could get in the streets for $0.50...but you just wouldn't know how much that means for me. I wanted to cry, because it was such a nice gesture from them. I mean...a Spiderman Coloring Book, how sweet is that?

I talked to Roberto in the afternoon. He asked me what was wrong. I asked him what was wrong with him. I'm nothing! Who-am-I-to-tell-her-such-thing?, he said with tears in his eyes. I understood what he was talking about, but I acted as if I didn't. After all, it seemed he didn't want to tell me the whole story, he just kept repeating he was an asshole and that he had said something horrible to "someone" (Veronica) and that "someone" said something back, that hurt his feelings. I guess I should mention that, for what I know, Norman was too involved in that thing, and that's why he was upset, too. But I didn's ask anything. I let them speak whatever they wanted to. I let Roberto cry on my shoulder. Then he left. And I stayed alone. And my rage went away for a while.

I saw Denver after dismissal, and maybe I still have some feelings for him, and I was sad to see him leave school, but...that's life, yo. Tomorrow is the BKB finals and his team, The Toilet Paper rolls (nice name, huh?), will go for the cup. And by the way....so will mine.

Yesterday, on the BKB court, Elisa (the captain of my team) made Carmen fall. We were playing against her team (their captain is such a bitch, she can't stand losing and is always calling down her players). Carmen made a lot of drama, that she even maybe had broken her arm or something. No one believed her (we're used to her dramas). Her team (Glitters) refused to go on with the game. The thing is, we needed three more points than them, to be able to go to the finals. When the "incident" happened, we were winning for one shot, two points. They refused to go on because: a) without Carmen, they're nothing, and b) they thought they'd already made it to the finals, and they didn't even need to win because they had the points they needed. But today, Elisa shook my arm and said with her usual apathic-yet-friendly voice: hey, we made it to the finals!. I didn't react. Yuck for me, yay for me, it depends on your view of the situation. But since we're already there, we should win.

Right now I'm cool. Pissed off, but cool. But I guess I should be more excited. My kids are coming tomorrow from Houston. I've been so pissed off I hadn't thought about it very much. I have so many things to think about, so many assigments, so many shit to deal with...

I'm very tired. In many ways.

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