And we do keep in mind the Steven Tyler t-shirt "no glove, no love".
Sunday, 11/06/05 - 9:10 pm.

My friends called off our meeting in the afternoon, so I spent almost all of it with Joseph. He noticed my cuts, and asked me why. I was embarrased, and told him, it was because my friends had failed me one of these days. He asked me not to do it again. I said I wouldn't.

I always thought that, if I ever got to have sex, I'd feel depressed afterwards. Today I found out that I was right, not that it hasn't happened before. I had all that rush in my body, that supposedly felt good, but in my mind I felt, in all senses, fucked. I hate it down there.

Joseph cares for me. He makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, and tells me he loves me, and I'm the love of his life, etc. I feel the same about him, but I just don't enjoy sex. We, uh, tried a different position today, and it didn't hurt at all, but I still cried afterwards.

He gets frustrated, thinking he's hurt me, knowing how hard it is for me. I tell him it's just me. I dissociate my mind from my body as soon as I feel something unusual entering my body. He was using his fingers one time, and I started to cry, but I think I was laughing, too. It was so, so strange. It was a painful tickling, and he said it could very well be an orgasm. I don't think so.

I just don't feel anything that could qualify as "pleasure". I like it sometimes, but that's about it. I try to keep up with him, and I try to go along with him as much as I can, I try to enjoy it for him (sometimes I can do it for myself), because it's the least I can do. I can't "return" anything to him, because penises disgust me so much. Honestly.

I don't know what to do to fix this. This is frustrating for him. He's patient and everything, but he also fears I'm always going to cry whenever we make love, and that's not a good perspective. We have a lot of fun in this state of intimacy, sure. We're all laughs. But I wish I could give him more (he's never had an orgasm, or so he says). I wish I could fully enjoy it, like I'm supposed to.

On the bright side, I love going to his house and laying on his bed, because it's soft. And being with him, of course. I even don't have a lot of trouble with taking off MOST of my clothes, because he never misses a chance to tell me I am gorgeous or something. It's the intercourse what kills me, and ironically, it's what makes our relationship so wonderful. Not the sex, actually, but the intimacy. It's something I was never fond of, something I always dreaded, but now I need to have it with him.

In conclusion, I suck. But I'm making progress, believe it or not. I don't want to end this entry so negatively, because after all, it was a nice day with him.

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