Wednesday, 07/10/02 - 6:40 pm.
My voices were pretty quiet today. The first thing I heard them say was: stay away from temptation.
Because Denv and got together on the third recess. Last night I'd offered him a massage, because he was feeling bad. So I had to do it today. He took me to the green tables and we stayed there for 15 minutes, speaking with sexual innuendo and massaging each other. But it's not like we hear firworks when we're together.
Life passes me by while I'm trying to ignore Veronica. I do it, but of course she doesn't care. I'm not in a good mood, because of her and other stuff...not upset nor pissed off, but I somewhat feel my heart broken.
I had lunch all by myself, as usual. Roberto keeps approaching and asking me why I am acting this way, why I look so sad. It did piss me off that when I bought lunch, I got back to the hallway, and Veronica was there. She was there, sitting in my fucking spot, next to the classroom doorway, where I always sit and have lunch. She's a bitch. She's a fuckin' bitch!!!! She knew that's the spot you always choose, SHE FUCKING KNOWS THAT! She's just fucking around with you!, one voice told me. Yes, I was mad. I sat a couple of feet away from them (she was with Adri).
I decided to go away after I was finished with lunch. I headed to a walkway, some kind of path between a small "forest" and a hall. And I sat in the middle of the walkway. This might be what people call "middle of nowhere", right?. Not a soul around me. Just the trees, protecting me from the sun with their branches, and a beautiful sky, with weird-looking clouds. I wanted to crack up. I was felt so good being there, all by myself. Fuck, am I miserable?, I asked to myself. I didn't think so. I was feeling so damn good. People'd walk me by. And I suppose they'd wonder what someone was doing alone in such place...must've looked very incoherent. A little girl approached and asked my name...she was Nayda's (Fidel's "girlfriend" according to the masses) sister. She went to Cuba, she said. I didn't quite get it. I mean...I didn't know that, but she approached to me just like that, as if I needed to know that. Hey, thanks a lot. When you talk to her, tell her I said "hi". It was weird. Of course I appreciate that gesture. It's just that it came completely out of nothing. Weird things happens when you're alone, a voice stated.
I was told to move downstairs because soldiers were fumigating school, to prevent some epidemic. I was carrying a notebook to write my conversations with the voices and Domingo (my science teacher last year, my "son-in-law" [related to Steven Tyler and her daughter, Liv]) read it. I was kind of embarrased, but since the conversations had no names, everything was ok. He wrote in the same notebook that today it was his birthday but couldn't care less about it.
When classes started again, we finished watching Fight Club. Finally. Hector brought the TV and plugged it outside the classroom, so we could sit on the floor, in the hallway. You met me at a very strange time in my life. Gosh, when the narrator mentioned the voice in his head and Tyler replied, I kinda freaked out.
We worked on trios on one question. I worked with Art and Patch. Hey, it's been some time since I've talked to you, Art said. Patch...he and I have become closer to each other lately. In a friendly way, I mean. It's pretty cool. They brought up the "voices in the head" line from Fight Club, applying it to me.
And after that, I went to the library to work on some shit, with some people. I got out of it to take a break and found Fidel. We talked about Fight Club, he also loves the movie, it's one of his favorites. He analizes it so deeply...and I just listen. He's a very wise, smart young man. But then his "other girlfriend" (he's -according to people- got two) arrived. No, I'm not jealous. I'm just sorry he focuses on her so deep, so soon. I decided to let them alone. No, they're not dating of course. They're just very, very close. Besides, if they were dating, they wouldn't be together in public. Masses are dumb.
When I went back in the library, my group was gone. Art and other kids were sitting at our table. I felt abandonded. I hadn't said that word, but it was on the tip of my tongue the whole day.
When I was waiting to be picked up from school, I thought about it. I felt (feel) terribly abandoned. Fidel and I don't talk much anymore, because he's with any of his "girls" (which is ok, I'm not jealous, I just miss our thoughtful chats). My friends...they have friends to be with. The prom party (or pre-graduation) is this friday night. Today I heard a lot of comments like: see you at the party, right!?!, are you ready!?!. I kind of felt like going, with all the enviroment warming up. But after gathering and putting in perspective everything, I landed in reality again, and realized that it'd be very dumb.
I see all of my friends have a group of friends. I don't. The voices in my head are ok, but you know...it's not the same. On the other hand, I wouldn't fit in any group already formed.
I'm not your damn instant coffee, fuck you. We do not care for the guy anymore.
I feel bad. I have homework to work on. I have a 6.25 on my math test (the highest grade I've gotten on a short math test this year)...I'm not ok.
Man, what a lame entry. Some things were very nice today, but I can't remember. That pisses me off. Damn everything.
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