Friday, 07/12/02 - 2:27 pm.
Tonight is the pre-graduation party of the class of 2002. I said I wasn't going to go. I swore I wasn't going. I told everybody I wasn't. And I feel kind of bad for breaking my promise.
But there's a reason why I should be there.
Remember last year? I used to have lunch with my friends, Elisa and Patch, sitting on the floor in the junior high hallway. I enjoyed being with them, it was a sight for sore eyes after my problems with Carmen and Veronica.
Now let's get back to the present. Elisa got thrown out of school. Patch and her were still dating, until a couple of months ago. I talked to Elisa, she blamed it on Patch. I talked to Patch, he didn't blame it on anyone, he just said they needed to work on some things. Well, cool.
Like I said yesterday, Patch and I have become good friends. He sits next to me, we talk, we have our laughs...it's all a good, nice friendship. He's been trying to win Elisa back over. He sends her roses, letters (he writes a paragraph and asks me to write her one, because she loves me *shameless plug*), calls her, goes to her house. She said they needed some time apart.
So today...he was trying to convince me to go to the party. No, you won't convince me, I said. I was pretty sure about it. Until...
Elisa is going to take some guy to the party...please, you have to go. I wouldn't stand seeing her with someone else. I'm gonna get drunk and beat the shit out of that jackass, I'll lose control. Not even that convinced me. It was dismissal and I stayed with Patch and Adri for a while. I'm scared. And he broke down. Oh, my God...he was crying. Crying desperately, hopelessly, I'd never seen a boy cry like that. I'm scared to lose her, I don't want to lose her. Even up to that time, all I could said was "yes, I'll try to make it", while thinking "come on, kid, you can do it on your own". Just as I was saying good-bye, he looked up to me (he was sitting, holding his head in his hands, between his knees) and said, with tears in his eyes: see you there. His voice had something that....I don't know. But it was something that made my voices go: damn you! don't be so fucking selfish. You MUST go.
So, yeah...I'm going.
But just because he's my friend. Because I need to prove myself that I can do something for the people I love. You see, when I have this kind of dilemmas, "should I do it or should I not...X is my friend", I always say: nah, I won't do it. I'll save my good will for a time when it's totally necessary. And that's what I'd been saying, even after Patch told me about his problem. But then I thought...that's what I'll say on every ocassion...I'll always say that next time will be more important than this one, and I'll never get to do it. I thought of how regretful I'll feel when I'm home at night.
So, yeah...I'm going.
Other than that...well, Cel said that she wanted me to go, too. She knew my feelings about the party and shit, but Vic wants you to go. Pablo wants you to go. Art wants you to go...I want you to go. Many people begged me to go. Huh. Ok, whatever.
I didn't see Denv the whole day. Early in the morning, he put his arm around my neck when I wasn't looking and let me hear his flu. Then on the second recess, when it was just finishing and I was on my classroom doorway, He walked up to me, gave me his can of 7Up, murmured something (I didn't get if it was either I could drink it all or just goodbye) and walked away. Either way, I drank the rest of the soda.
You wouldn't believe how touched I was. I mean, it was a dumb can of soda and no more...but you know...I'm starting to think I love him. I felt something...I couldn't stop thinking of him and his "gift" (the can)...but it was a different kind of thought. With the heart. Not fantasies, nothing in my brain. My heart was beating faster.
On the last recess, I didn't see him. I did, but Cel was talking to me (about the party) and asked him politely to go away. Next time I saw him, he was talking to a girl, holding her....oh, jealousy. You just can't tell how jealous I was. Incredibly jealous. I hadn't been so jealous since last year, with The Guy.
I was on the verge of breaking down myself when Patch told me his story. I put aside Denv. One of the reasons that made me not go it's that Denv was (is) not going. But because he doesn't even love me, then I should take my own advice (the one I gave Patch) and stay away from him, no more and no less than friendship. Do not expect more than that, to avoid disappointment.
After the big obsession with The Guy you could say I learned my lesson...I don't know what's that sickness that makes be so stupid when it comes to relationships with boys.
But damn...I love him, you know?
Patch's my friend and that's why I'm going to the party. Denv's my friend, too, and that's why I shouldn't expect more than friendship.
Anyway...I'd better go. It's time to go under the shallow world of the looks and fashion. I hate picking out clothes.
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