Friday, 02/03/06 - 10:25 pm.
There's a slight difference between being healthily paranoid and having a hunch. You just can feel it. And I felt it, last night, when I was in bed, worried about meeting today with Joseph...which meant lying to my parents, and that implies moral guilt and the fear of getting caught.
I had no problem sneaking out. I told them I was going to the mall, and I was (I always try to make my lies closer to the truth as possible), because I needed to go to the post office. My plan was to pick Joseph up, go together to the mall and then go back to his house for a while. I nearly changed the plan, deciding I'd go quickly to the post office on my own, and then I'd go to his house. But he'd already said he was going to be ready at 9:30 am.
It's really cool, driving with him, listening to the Stone Temple Pilots. But I was frightened and highly anxious, "I think my dad is looking at me", so on the whole way to the mall I barely looked at him. He was entertained. He always is, with my paranoia. He bought this completely dark sunglasses, expressively to intimidate me in these situations. That bastard.
- Me: stop looking at me!
- Him: I'm not looking at you!
- Me: your nose is pointing at me, I can see it from the corner of my eye!
- Him: I have my eyes closed!
At the mall I got a more relaxed, so I could get a bit more affectionate; he's taller than me, so I can rest my head on his back while I scratch it and I hug him from behind (later I learned he was having a hard time trying to be cool when I was doing that, and he was talking to a salesclerk). We went to the post office, and I asked him about having some coffee. Sure, sounds good. Today I don't feel like being at home with you. He was serious, and that was great. I honestly enjoy our bedroom time, but we never get to hang out, say, outdoors.
He bought me coffee, and then we walked around the mall, searching for a store that sold a very odd wire he needed for one of the computers at work. Nobody knew what he was talking about. Our last stop was a music store, where he was going to buy me my birthday present (aaawww). I wanted Aerosmith's Rockin' The Joint, but I ended up going for STP's No 4, for reasons undisclosed.
Then we drove back to his house, where I couldn't stay much longer because I'd already been out of the house for about two hours...a fair amount of time for someone who was going to drop an envelope at the post office and "check out laptops". There was not going to be sex, we'd traded that for hanging out outdoors (inside a mall), for a change. We made out, and I had a hard time stopping. Notice, *ME*. Well, he too, but he was overjoyed by the fact that I'm the one who has trouble now, so he was keeping it cool. He pointed that out, that I used to be so stiff, so rigid.
He says I've changed, for the better. That my eyes are different, they used to have this weak glance, that has transformed into a strong gaze. That I'm always making an effort to be with him, to be in his bizarre world. Which is true...and sometimes I think, "hey, now I'm the only one who seeks the other, I have to go where he is"; but then I realize, he did that for me for over a year. It's only fair, and it's a win-win situation, seriously. I wouldn't mind being always the one who has to move to see the other, because I know he's waiting for me...now, if I could just have the moral freedom to do it (i.e. no need to lie to my parents).
I dropped him off at work, like I did the other day. And I came back home. Then I went to work in the afternoon, myself. The child abuse project, I think it's going to be an everyday job from now on.
Normally, this is where my entry would end. But during that time, between me getting home and arriving to the university for work, I got two comments that freaked me out.
First off, I came home in a horrible state of anxiety. I'd never had it this bad, but I thought I'd pull off my stunt successfully. I started to talk to my mom about any casual topic, and suddenly she goes, in the most casual way, so, did you go to the mall with someone?.
Ok...I said no, and started telling her about my search for cheap laptops (that never occurred), and slowly changed subject. But it was freaky.
This strange anxiety was still in control of my body, and I refused to attempt to drive to the university. So my dad did, gladly, because he's still nervous about me driving, too. And in the car he says, in the same casual, friendly tone my mom had used, I noticed you turned to the left when you were going to the mall.
Here's something you should know: Joseph's house and the mall are basically at the same distance from my house, only in opposite directions. When I leave my lane, I turn to the left (up) to go to Joseph's, and to the right to go to the mall (down). I was always worried that my dad noticed that, but the house is on the other corner of the block. The only way he could've seen it was...if he had stood in the middle of the street.
"Yes, I went to Subway", I replied calmly...I've been prepared for that comment for a while. "Subway?", he asked. "Yeah, I went to buy a cookie". Stupid, stupid answer. A COOKIE?! What the fuck?!?! Although in my defense, I would totally do that.
And the topic changed, and no more of that was spoken. During a break at work, I took my cellphone and called Joseph, my dad saw me!!!, and he was silently freaked, and yet telling me I should take it easy. I explained him, and he said so there's not gonna be a sunday visit. No, no way, man! I think I should tell them..., I whispered. I know you want to. You're dying to! So...when should I go to your house?. I said, not yet. But I was touched, because, you know...he understands.
See, he and I have been together for nearly two years by now. I get more and more hung-up on him by the hour, and, when talking to his friends, he refers to me as his fiancee. Our relationship is unbelievable, and I hate to hide it. But on the other hand, if my parents knew about him and my visits to him, I probably would have some serious shit to deal with. But still.
I'm thinking the end of february. I'd love if he came with me to my brother's wedding, which is by the end of march. The end.
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