Thursday, 03/23/06 - 10:00 pm.
Part of me wanted for Joseph to spend the night with me, last night. We had this long two-hour phone conversation, that pretty much began with me confessing I'd be home alone for the night, which I'd refused to tell him. He was mad at me for that, and...yeah, with reason. I was scared, actually, to give him the option to be home with me. And it wasn't about him, I was just paranoid (it's a longer explanation, but let's leave it at that). And somehow I'd feel like I'd be betraying my parents' trust.
I'm so, so mad that you kept that away from me...you were scared, weren't you? you were scared I'd ask you for us to spend the night together. I'm mad, but here's a point on your behalf: you stick to your principles. You're being true to your parents. There was someone in your place before you, you know? And she cheated on me. Seeing how you stay true to the ones you love makes me believe you'll never betray me.
He often surprises me.
The conversation went on and on, a typical conversation (that's become less common as time goes by) about our history together. But we got to the part where we broke up and he hooked up with this other girl...that always upsets me. He's given me reasons why he did it, I know he didn't love her, etc. But it still hurts me. So I had to fight back:
I would've never hooked up with someone else afterwards, my logic doesn't work that way. How would you have liked it if I'd gone and hooked up with my guitar instructor [Joe]?!. Haha, I got him right there. He yelled "WHAT?! Ok, TELL ME THAT STORY".
There's no story with Joe, as you've witnessed, and I told Joseph so. After a few threats like "I would've killed him...no, just cripple him" (and me mocking him for being such a macho), he said he'd have only said "I knew it". He's the only guy I've been jealous of. I mean...you two have chemistry. Lord. That's scary.
Anyway. Moving on.
I spent the night by myself, of course. But in the morning I went to visit him, and this time I tried to enjoy the love-making. I think there's something wrong with me, because it only hurts. I've discovered other activities I can do while we're at it, and that does make the intercourse quite enjoyable, and Joseph goes crazy. I dare to say this has been the best, err, session we've had so far. But the genitalia, forget it. I always end up crying, I feel no pleasure whatosever. Yeah, he knows, I've told him. He asks repeteadly if I can handle it. I can, for him. But then it gets to a point where I just push him away and yell "no". Then, sometimes, I'm in pain for the rest of the day.
Still, we have a wonderful relationship. We cuddled and talked in bed afterwards, and he invited me to lunch. I like seeing him get dressed and spike his hair. We went to the mall, we ate, and he gave me his sunglasses as a gift, because, he says, they look good on me. Then I dropped him off at work.
Again, I drove to the university by myself. And I drove back home. I've been so lucky, that these two days class was dismissed earlier so I could avoid traffic. I'm not nervous at all, so I suppose a new step in my independence has been made. By the time I came home, my parents and brother were back from the beach as well, and congratulated me for driving.
And, um...the end, for today.
No, wait. Did you hear Steven Tyler will have throat surgery? I hope all goes well, Mr. Tyler :(
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