Fuck.the.system.
Friday, 07/19/02 - 1:58 pm.

First off...I'm through with Denv. Fuck that, I'm sick of it. As sweet as everything is...I'm through.

As opposite to yesterday, I had a lame day, and I wish I died because I had a lame day and stuff that makes you want to die....

It all started ok. On the first period (english) I had to perform a commercial with two friends. We did it about hair products and a gay stylist named Sammy (hey, he does exist). People bursted out laughing and we were the only trio that won 2 out of 2 points.

Next class was psychology and Geovanni was still absent. I'd taken to school pics of me when I was a baby for the yearbook, so did everybody else. Hector walked in and he took them away. I'll give them back to you guys when the year ends. That pissed me off, but I didn't beg him to give them back. If he doesn't give them back to me, fine. I'm not appearing on the yearbook.

The third period was boring. I hate social studies, I hate the social studies teacher.

On the second recess I had a pastoral meeting. We have to go to orphanages to work with children. I suck at that, but I have to go. We also have to do some other shit that I really don't feel like mentioning. Then I went off to see the soccer match, which sucked because almost no one was playing. So I went back down the hallways and sat alone on the floor. Hector walked by and smiled. I faked a smile (scumbag).

Fourth and fifth periods sucked, too. Fouth was math and by that time I had came to the raw conclusion. So I banged my head against the wall several times, until Vic stopped me. Tyler, what the fuck are you doing?!?! Don't do it, dammit. Or at least do it when I'm not looking.

Vic, the self-destruction supporter. I appreciate it. He's no a fucking book on overcoming that wants to make you deny your own pain.

I want to be more like you, Vic. Fuck the system. He said that it was the best choice. Be yourself, do what you want to do, fuck the others. Sometimes you do hurt people with such behavior, but you hurt the ones you love and viceversa.

On the other hand, he told me what he and the gang did on the second recess. I felt very you. You see, I was with my girlfriend and we saw a group of kids molesting another. Around 6 kids, molesting a younger one. So I called my girlfriend, Art, Cel, QB, Pablo, Basoue (Fausto) and others...we surrounded the kids and we even made them cry...QB said: "teachers and principals may fuck me up in this institution, but outside of it, I can track you down and KILL you". I'm glad they did that. Some kids can only learn the hard way. I love that group. They're very close, and despite they have their odd vices (smoking and shit) they're good. Very good.

I hung out with Cel and Art and their 9 feet in between (well, they kind of have gotten over it and sometimes they're much closer than that). Cel was pissed off, because Karla (the pastoral "leader") is pushing her aside, because of the "9 feet", the group of people she belongs to, and the label it brings. So she may not be able to go to the orphanages to help. She, unlike me, loves going there (the pastoral department takes volunteers and some people had been doing that for two years in a row) and interacting with children. I have to consult that, Karla replied. Cel was upset. Since when do you have to consult to help? I'm going, even if it's by myself.

Shit, that school dogma is a piece of crap.

I had my first meeting as a member of the yearbook commission. We just discussed the basics. Cel asked me to be the one to draw the whole class of 2002. I kicked and cried (literally), I can't do that, Cel, I can't draw!...but she just didn't listen. Her timing to be deaf is perfect. I'm flattered and something-else (can't quite describe it) about her trust in me.

Then, on the last period, we had philosophy. Hector checked everybody's notebook. When I got mine back, I read the note: Your grade is pending until you do it better. A few pages behind: Answers too short and shallow. Yes, they were, I admit it, but because the deep shit was on the paper I turned in. You want something deep? I'll give you something deep, as deep as half of my arm up your systematic ass. Today I discovered he's useless as a principal. I mean, I'd suspected that, but I realized it today. He's just so damn positive. Everything has a good side to him. I'm talking about blindness, living in denial about everything.

I came home and I cried. I cried for the damned day I had. I cried because I realized I have no future. I cried because I can't kill myself and avoid the empty future as a "briliant psychologist", or whatever else. I want to be nothing. NO-THING. I'm not thrilled with having something to look forward to. I'm not thrilled with the idea of having a future.

Then I cried more desperately when I remembered the only thing that made my day worth-living. On the first recess, Cel and Art took me away from the hallways, and rehearsed in front of me. They're participating in some kind of contest (Creative for life). I cried. It was beautiful. Just the two of them, performing. They declaimed a poem about two people in love. Art starts out, and what he says and does gives you the idea Cel is dead. Cel is around touching him but he doesn't notice. But then everything changes, Cel starts talking and you discover it's Art who's dead. It was so beautiful, seeing them together (the 9 feet rule has been put aside for the contest), declaiming the love for each other, not acting. I swear to God I had tears in my eyes. Not because "damn, I wish I had someone who loved me that much", but because...I don't know. It was like seeing love materializing in front of me. I was crying because it was beautiful and for no other reason.

I finished crying. I felt my heartbeat on the wrong side of the chest. That's Simeon's heart. His heart is on the right side of my chest. I looked myself in the mirror. Pain makes you look beautiful, the voices in my head stated. Your face looks beautiful when you cry.

My raw conclusion? I'm becoming an outlaw. I'm becoming more and more like Art's gang. Like Pablo, like Vic, like Cel....and I don't feel bad about it. I'm adopting their language, I'm adopting their "fuck it all" attitude....I'm trying to rebel. I need to. I'm truly sick of being a good girl.

Maybe I've been like that my whole life, but I had either denied it or ignored it or never been given the chance to express it. The truth is I feel comfortable in that group, like I almost fit in, and they make me feel appreciated, like I'm worth for what I am, and I don't need to be anything else. They smoke, they get drunk, some have tattos, some have piercings. I once said to Patch that I kind of felt like a freak for not smoking and/or drinking, while it seemed everybody did (for the record, that didn't mean I was going to do it). He said: I don't want you to smoke, ok?! I'll beat your ass up if you do. I've quit smoking, but if we do it, it's because we're dumb and sad and we have no salvation, but you...I don't want you doing that crap. They all come from problematic, dysfunctional families. I know that's not an excuse to smoke or get drunk....I'm just stating they're product (or "mistakes" like some of their parents have said) of this shitty society that pushes them away.

And I am starting to hang out with Art and Cel more and more, so I guess pretty soon I'm gonna be labeled (I bet Veronica was labeled me by now), or, in the best case, someone "from up there" will tell me to get away from them.

Cel didn't get a "congratulations! you're an outstanding student!" letter on her last report card just because she's Art's girl and they're under the 9 feet rule (for the record, the rule was applied to them just because they were seen holding each other). Other than that, she'd earned it, because frankly, her grades were excellent.

My school's system is supposedly designed to give each student the ability to have their own criteria and opinions.

It seems the system doesn't know that when it teachs its spawns to think for themselves, no matter how "good" the system is, a rebellion against it by the spawns themselves it's bound to happen.

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